I was a little miffed at myself at the end of yesterday's post. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, but sleep, and a helpful note from Sylvia, made it clear. My little fantasy about how I would live without fear had a big flaw. I can't control others' reactions to me, only my own actions. So, everything I wrote there should be disregarded by the sane among us, which at the moment includes me, I think.
Still, I've been thinking a lot about this all day. Fear rules my life, as all of you have long realized. Jerica made a comment about being rolled over by her ex-wife, and I relate to that. Viewed from far away, it might be amusing. Mrs. Leslie complains that she doesn't want to live with a woman, that I'm no woman anyway, based on my behavior and attitudes. Yet, she emasculates me at every turn. Important decisions are agreed on, unless we disagree, in which case we do what she wants. That might be an exaggeration, but it's a small one. That is my reality. If I had stood my ground on anything critical over the decades, I firmly believe that we would have split long ago. The formula only works if I am a doormat. Frankly, the formula, when it works, only produces one happy partner. Hint: It's not me.
There is much to like in my marriage, but the bad things eat at me. We are very compatible on politics, child rearing, pop culture. Yet, there is no equity. I frequently feel subjugated. I would burn my bra if I didn't love it so much.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Equity, Leslie Ann, is a terrific word, and a lovely thing to aim for and expect of a marriage.
ReplyDeletePerhaps this is a good seam for both of you to mine. :)
I have nothing to add today other than to say thanks for providing a new lens through which to consider my own responsibilities & opportunities.
Enjoy a lovely weekend ...
Thanks - Petra
Leslie, if you are not a regular reader of Keri Renault's blog you should read this post:
ReplyDeletehttp://kerirenault.blogspot.com/2010/04/fear-and-transition.html
There is nothing wrong with fear, per se. Unless we let it immobilize us.
And ummmm, politics, child rearing and pop culture were the first three things that popped into your head that you like about your marriage?
Well, as I and others have pointed out in the past, stop being the door mat. See where that takes you. At this point, based on the thoughts you have put down in writing, what have you got to lose? Yes, I know the obvious answer. Maybe I should has what have you got to gain?
ReplyDelete@Sophie - You ask a good question.
I'm with Calie here. Stand up, argue your corner. There's a difference between arguing and fighting, Mrs. J and I argue a lot :)
ReplyDeletePiping up out of the silence - I've been reading everything, but quiet because I know I'm a bit of an "aberration" here as far as my demographic goes. (cisgendered, trans-friendly ex-wife of a non-transitioning genderqueer for newcomers) ;-)
ReplyDeleteSophie picked up on the aspects that touch on something I've been thinking about for a while now. "politics, child rearing and pop culture" are something you can share and enjoy with close, platonic friends. Even dinners out with conversation are an activity that I associate more with platonic relationships than romantic ones.
You may have to do some soul-searching as to how much sharing your domestic life with others means to you. There's no shame in admitting you are naturally a loner. I have one female friend in her 50s who lives alone and says she could never contemplate sharing her home with someone else again, even though she is the most gregarious person you could imagine. I have another in her 40s who is raising children while in a friendly platonic relationship with her husband, and who says he is the last roommate she will ever have - she wants to live alone once her children are grown. They have both come to this realization as they have aged.
Staying with someone because they "need" you to stay may seem noble, but - depending upon the hostility level in the home - it can be the wrong choice. Many women-raised-as-women are conditioned into believing they require a mate to share their lives with, and can't even begin to imagine being independent. I've read the words of wives who have stayed through transition, and they are usually couched in the same general terms - that they decided their lives would be worse alone than staying with their spouse. To me, that's a tremendously sad viewpoint, choosing the lesser of two "evils". Perhaps that is because I was raised in an environment where women did not feel a need for a relationship to live full and happy lives, but I've seen so many others come out of painful situations to realize they were stronger and more independent than they ever knew to discount it.
I have another friend whose viewpoint is that all marriages should be dissolved when one partner transitions, and that if the couple still want to be together post-transition - if they come through a minimum of a year's separation and fall in love again with the new gender dynamics in place - then they can remarry. Of course, that's a rather drastic generalization and only legally possible in a few places, but I understand where she's coming from.
For me, it all boils down to what you gain from sharing your life with this person. To what extent does a joint household enhance both your lives, and to what extent does it detract? Marriage vows are an important and serious business, but if upholding them is causing distress to everyone involved, do they really make sense? You can still talk about politics, co-parent and watch TV with a really close friend that you used to be married to. Can you imagine the "no fear" scenario of living alone with close friends, if Mrs Leslie is one of those close friends? Or do you need more from her? Does she need more from you, and if so, why? Remember, you can love someone deeply even if you don't share your life with them. And if the life you want isn't something they want, the forcing of a shared life can erode that love on both sides.
Wow...just awesome comments, Sonora Sage. Helps me too.
ReplyDeleteCalie xxx
As a girl who has the habit of yanking myself out from underneath their feet when they try to use me for a doormat so that they fall backwards and crack their fool head on the sidewalk, I am going to recommend being more assertive (yeah yeah, big surprise I think that way). Perhaps when she does the emasculation scenario, tell her if she is going to emasculate you then you are going to dress appropriately for that situation and put on a skirt, or would she prefer to actually discuss things instead? It may take a few repeats at different times and even going to the effort of digging out a skirt (probably just stopping the conversation and heading in the direction of where you hide them will be enough) for it to start to sink into her head. While that will make the point clear, be careful doing so because a dominant personality takes even the slightest loss of power and control as a personal attack towards them. Often a quick metaphorical slap to the face then holding their hand while you walk them almost back to where they stood is how the slow and tedious process of moving towards middle ground works out.
ReplyDeleteYour response to my question wasn't exactly the direction I had expected but it was honest, and that's a good thing. Maybe not a realistic approach exactly, but we can dream a best case scenario and work from that. No, we can not control other people's responses or anything else about them really. We can only control ourselves but striving to be someone we are not is a recipe for misery and disaster.
ReplyDeleteMost people assume my marriage ended because of gender issues. That wasn't the case at all. She never knew till the divorce. Seems she disliked virtually everything about me for 20 years as she said. The androgyny, the free spirit, the autonomous nature, the craziness...she couldn't handle my constitution. Attempts to change me only exasperated the situation. When I tired and yielded, she only lost respect. I think it lasted as long as it did because we both thought staying married was the RIGHT thing to do to. Big mistake in hindsight. I see now it was doomed from the beginning. We were neither one what the other one needed or wanted. She wanted a (man) to pursue her, to provide everything on a whim and it was never enough. Sensitivity and romance was perceived as weakness. I know it's confusing. We won't even get into my grievances.
I'm not saying your situation seems similar in any way, but it may be, just dunno. Point is; when one person tries to change or control the other and doesn't allow them to be themselves, the relationship is Hell of the worst kind.
You're in a touchy situation for sure and perhaps you'll find resolve someday. Maybe gender isn't the big issue. Could it be much deeper than that? At least you are thinking it all through. That's one thing you can control. :)
Peace Out,
<3 Tina
All good responses, especially from Sonora Sage. Thank you for your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI really have to thank you daughter for pushing my ex to file for divorce, for trying to force her to realize that she was stronger than she knew. My daughter see the both of us as much happier people these days.
Peace,
Sarah
I am going to lean on Tina a bit and ask the question is this only on gender issues of expression that she emasculates you? Is it only around this part of your life that she tries to intervene? If so then that is understandable, but if it is on everything which I believe it is not (child rearing, politics, ect), then you must take a closer look at how you wish to proceed.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that will also be hard is changing of the rules of engagement. If your whole relationship has always been this way from the time you met, and you are now deciding to change, then you might as well look for a good lawyer, as this is not the person she signed up to control, or try to. You have some serious contemplation to do. Good luck my friend.
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