Slipping Back

I have been denying it for a long while now.  I have been slipping back into the hole again.  Two weeks ago, I had an evening where I felt much like I did seven years ago when my gender issues hit the wall.  The deep sadness, the single-minded obsession with my gender failings, the constant bellyache, and worse, the knowledge that I have been here before.

I was on the plateau of "good enough" for several years.  It had a good run.  I didn't notice that the terrain was no longer level. Sure, I have had ugly spells frequently, but less severe and shorter-lived, usually just an hour or two and it was past. Now I'm worried.

We have been seeing a counselor as a couple for some time now, and this last time I talked some about how I felt on my bad day.  She offered to see me one on one, and I agreed.  Truly, couples sessions are 85% the missus going on about our lives and kids, and 15% me quipping and adding grace notes to her thoughts.  Seldom have we concentrated on my problems, and that is usually fine.  But now I am scared, and I need to talk it out.  It has been two years since my former therapist went back to school, and it is time to get back on the horse.

I am really quite excited to have it all about me again in therapy.  My appointment is this week, and maybe I can report some realizations after that.