Leftovers

Just a couple of items from my trip, before I relegate it to the annals (that's two n's, pervert) of my history:

--- In my last entry, I described getting a sign from on high(?) telling me not to go dress shopping. The following day, Friday, I was unexpectedly told that I wasn't needed at work. If that's not a sign that dress shopping is on the table, I don't know one. So I concocted a plan. I decided to walk over around dusk, so I could see the layout and situation within the store from the street. When I got there, the store was very brightly lit, and I quickly realized just how visible I would be from the street, if I went in. Despite being in drab, I had fully intended to ask to try things on. But ultimately, my downfall was the fear of being seen inside the store by passersby. A failure of nerve, to be sure, but more a matter of timing than a lack of execution. I remain proud of the firsts I've managed this month.

--- The drive to Maryland was about eight hours each way. My coworker, a very conservative man, made more than a few disparaging remarks about homosexuals on the drives. I think he lumps crossdressers and transgendered into that group, as well. I'm ashamed that I didn't have the courage to call him out on his bigotry. In my head, I was screaming for him to shut up, while outside I passively let him have his say. If I had pointed out that they were just humans being, he probably would have chalked it up to my liberal bent, as we have had verbal dustups before. But for whatever reason, I just felt too exposed to go after him on this subject. Not my proudest moment...

Lessons Learned

I got my end date for my trip. I'm driving home Saturday. Glad to be going back, but Ill miss some things here too. For instance, the ability to come home every night and be Leslie as long as I want. I could choose from outfits hanging in my closet, instead of rummaging through bags and boxes in various undisclosed locations. And I just found it great to be able to leave heels and makeup lying about my room without a worry.

I had fully intended to go dress shopping Thursday. Set my clock early (for me), had a plan, had built up a head of steam after my shoe escapade. The electricity went out at the hotel a half hour before my wake time. The power was out throughout the mall that I had planned to go to. The power came back on about five minutes after we left for work in mid-afternoon. I concluded that the universe, and whoever might be running it, was sending me a message. "Don't do this now."

Actually, I heard it in all caps, shouted. It was enough to make an agnostic wonder.

It was really fortuitous for this trip to come so close on the heels (pun intended) of my first outing as Leslie. I took the confidence gained, and got to bask in it and reflect on it, away from the stink eye that I might have received at home. And I was so pumped (pun again), I parlayed it into another first, trying on and buying heels in person as a male. This is all very exciting for me! Doing a little living...

My best girlfriend Shannon has repeatedly shown me, by example, the power of overcoming your fears. If you know the fear is irrational and unfounded, you just have to push through it. Just do it. Leslie is a lot more courageous than the Charlie Brown mope I was for forty-plus years. I still look more or less like that guy, but Leslie is in charge now. And she doesn't dither. She makes a plan and (eventually) follows through. And maybe it's time to stop referring to her in the third person.

Thinking Aloud

"I can still fly, but not half as high as once I wanted to"
"Space Race Is Over" Billy Bragg

I was chatting with a friend today, when a question was asked of me. I've considered it before, but maybe not so directly. We were discussing the difficult decisions that we transpeople have had to make. "If the world had no expectations of you, what would your goal be?"

If I were single and childless, and an orphan(!), I think I might go for the whole ball of wax. Deep down, I'm convinced that I would be more content being a woman. What it comes down to, for me, is liking yourself. Of late, as I have leapt fitfully forward, I find I like the person in the mirror more than I ever have, which is faint praise, but progress. To like myself at all is a major change.

But I'm not single, or childless, or an orphan. There are many people in my world who would be profoundly disturbed even by the little I've accomplished so far. Certainly, my wife is disturbed by my antics, though she's keeping it more to herself now. I dearly love my wife, despite some of the venting I have done here. She's the only partner I've ever had, the only person I ever dated. We've been together since high school. And I won't leave her, unless I get an ultimatum. I'll do my best to shield her as I explore the world of Leslie, but I don't think I could surrender that part of me now, not like I did before.

When we were about 24, we separated. Not ostensibly about the crossdressing, but she was upset by it. I immediately started collecting the artifacts I would need to make crossdressing a much bigger part of my life. I didn't know it till recently, but that episode was the first time that Leslie tried to break loose. I just thought of it as a shameful impulse at the time, and wound up back with my wife, committed to being a man and a husband, and soon a father. But my insides had been crushed. I was sleepwalking through life for twenty years. A lot of memories are not vivid, because I really didn't have emotion attached to them. It's like they happened to someone else, and I got a briefing, or watched a tape of it.

Well, I'm done with that. I can feel now. I look in the mirror at the end of the day, and through the eleven o'clock shadow and the receding hairline, I see Leslie. My heart flutters, the hair on my arms stands up, and I smile. I'm clueless about how far I need to take this to be content. I just know it's further down the road.

Shopping in Drab

"Everyday I get closer to the place inside where I can be normal too"
"Normal Like You" Everclear

The plan has been executed. I bought a pair of heels in drab in broad daylight, and lived to tell the tale. It was exhilirating.

This is not a place where you can hide in the racks. The shelving is low, so they can keep an eye on you. I was browsing deep in the bowels of the women's section, in full view of a warehouse size store. Standing around the 12s and 13s, there was no doubt that I was shopping for myself. And when I stepped out of my shoes, and started slipping my stocking (literally) feet into heels, the commitment was full.

Just like going out dressed the first time, the hardest part was over once I passed through the door. They've got force fields on them, or something. I have to push myself through, but once in (or out) I relax a little. Too late to turn back, so enjoy the ride.

Thirteen was their largest size, so the selection wasn't what I had hoped. Nothing in the way of slings in my size(damn!), but slings were everywhere around me, taunting me, offering themselves to dainty-footed girls. I had to settle for a small collection of pumps. I wound up with a pair of black open toe pumps in size 13 with a kind of faux satin finish, 3-inch heels. They'll look great with my favorite black skirt. Hell, they look great with the boy clothes I'm wearing now. Gettin' my gender freak on.

Dare I walk over to the Dress Barn tomorrow morning? I'd love to pick up an inexpensive LBD. Yeah, I know you're supposed to buy the dress first, then shoes to match. So sue me. I'm a new girl.

Road Trip

The call came down: Maryland needs transwomen. So off I went.

Well, sort of. I have come to Maryland for work, probably for a couple weeks. I'm so glad I had my outing last weekend. I couldn't have stood another delay. Most of Leslie traveled in my suitcase, all but the hair. I knew I wouldn't be going out anyway. I can't risk being seen by my coworker. I travel a couple times a year usually, but I've never brought more than a few undergarments with me before. But now, Leslie is such a large presence in my everyday life, I can't see leaving her home that long.

Around the corner from the hotel is a large shopping center. Off Broadway Shoe Warehouse is calling my name. I'm so tempted to slip on some pantyhose, and go look for a pair of black slings. Really, there are a lot of shops catching my eye, Victoria's Secret among them. I have the advantage of real anonymity here, not the false sense I have at home. Lexington may have a quarter million people, but it has a small town feel to it, and you're always running into people you know.

So, I have clothes and makeup to play with in my room, and more free time than I'm used to. How could anything other than trouble ensue?

Okay. Yeah. It Was a Milestone.

As Suzi noted, I composed the last entry at a very late hour. Rather than being wired, I was physically exhausted and emotionally spent. But I felt I had to write it down while it was fresh. It was a great day. Eating out as Leslie has brought a grin to my face more than once today. My heart always sings when I get to be myself, and it had been almost four months since my last hair-to-heels experience. Tooooo long...

I promise I'll put up a picture when I receive it (them?). I'm at Tara's mercy till then (and likely not the first). When she took the pics, she said she had stolen my essence. I can only imagine the craven things she might do with someone's essence. I know I'm not objective about my looks, and the internet would be a duller place if only "beautiful" people posted their pics. So, I hope everyone's expectations have been properly lowered!

I'm very touched at the outpouring of stories and encouragement. What a great bunch of girls I have looking out for me, online and locally. So many people care about me, and incredibly, what I take away from it is to take myself less seriously. I'm lucky to have several gals mentoring me. God knows I need propping up sometimes.

So I guess I'm a different person today. I accomplished something I've dreamed about for a quarter century. Damn, I feel old when I say that.

One Small Step for a Kinda Woman

"Lipstick is a sign of my declining mind" -- Ani DiFranco--

It wasn't starting in a promising way. Family matters had me running an hour behind. Shannon had emailed me to say she couldn't come to the meeting after all. A sinking feeling was coming on. Unwarranted, as it turned out.

I had to change into Leslie with more haste than I would've liked, once I finally got to Cassie's. But after donning the uniform, the tension eased. The nerves were gone. Maybe a few butterflies left, but only the pretty ones. And at last, the new wig had its maiden voyage. She comported herself very well. I felt much less self-conscious and more prettier(!?).

So, anyway, Cassie, Kim, Cindy and myself all went out to an Irish restaurant. Cassie is friendly with the waitress there, and had given her a heads up about who was coming. My biggest worry there was not being seen by a hostile public, but making sure my wig wouldn't smell like corned beef tomorrow. I'm surprised long-haired women can eat without tieing their hair back. It was not a busy place, and I stayed calm inside, except maybe a little quiet panic walking in and out of the place. There wasn't a lot of staring. We were mostly ignored. Yay! So now I've been out as Leslie. In hindsight, not that big a deal, but I'm very happy to have done it.

I was thrilled when Shannon showed up at the meeting. She brought her camera as promised, but the batteries were dead. I didn't care. Just glad I got to spend time with my friend. And Tara took a picture of me. I glanced at it and all I could see was boy-me in drag, but maybe I'll like it better when I get it. I am no better at posing for pictures as Leslie, apparently, than I've been as a male. It probably would have been better to do a candid shot of me chewing or yawning. No forced smile. If it's not completely hideous to me, I'll post it.

The wife was a little pissed when I got home. I guess I haven't adequately communicated the end time of our meetings. She had a totally wrong idea. So I feel I'm in the doghouse a bit, but I did apologize. She hasn't yet asked me about my experiences tonight. Maybe tomorrow. I would like to share it with her. I'm certain I'll look back on this day as a milestone.