First off, on the sage advice of Jenny, I have started a public blog on my earworms. It's called, surprisingly, Don't Be Like Me! I will relegate my musical notions to that forum, and I will also announce new postings here on the private blog. So, all you need to do is become a follower of the public blog, and you will know when to visit here. Brilliant! Thanks, Jenny.
Mrs. Leslie decided that today was the day to discuss marital matters, as she will be seeing her shrink on Monday. We went out to eat, and had words over pasta. We have deep, deep trust issues. I don't know what keeps me trying sometimes. She doesn't hear my viewpoint, or more accurately, doesn't respect it. Such contempt in her voice. She is the injured party. My pain is secondary, or so I would be led to believe.
Is it a mistake for me not to apologize in any fashion? I am sympathetic to her worries, and I understand how difficult it is to have a husband that fancies himself to be more than a mere man. Yet, despite the "understood" boundaries that I have crossed, I don't feel that I should apologize for doing what I felt I needed to do. She hasn't demanded an apology, but neither have I offered one.
She is very disturbed that I would receive packages at my therapist's office. She says there is no reason I can't have things sent to the house. She believes that a trusting couple should share their email passwords. She's asked for mine several times, and I haven't given it yet. It's not that she would read my mail, just that she would be able to believe that I wasn't hiding anything from her.
She doesn't want a divorce. She has said it several times now. She seems to think that a marriage where I burst her bubble every so often is better than the alternative. I told her about how my bubble was burst to learn that she hadn't felt connected all winter, that she had me completely fooled and feeling guilty for withholding information from her. She literally rolled her eyes at the notion that I was wronged in any way by that.
Mixed messages, again: She got quite heated in the car driving home. She thinks that if I want to be a woman, then I should act like a woman, putting everyone ahead of me, making sure my family has all their needs met before addressing my own. I behave like a man, eating when I need to, staying up till all hours, isolating myself from my family. She also had a good shout about wearing a bra. She wanted me to understand that the bra is an masculine invention designed to control a woman's sexuality. Real women want to never again wear a bra, and here I am wanting in on this societal wrong. Fortunately for me, my wife speaks for all women.
Then, to confuse me, after we got home, she changed into the short nightie I got her a year ago for Valentine's Day. She wanted to make love after all this horrid venting. My heart wasn't in it, at least to start, and she had a little cry when we were done.
Try as I might, I don't think I'll live long enough to figure out the way a woman thinks.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
you know how women think-look inside, it's there as a seed that needs to be nurtured
ReplyDeleteOh great, someone else claiming to hold the patent on womanhood. I called the patent office last week and they told me no one holds that patent. They are however, taking applications. Real men, real women, real transexuals... please God let it end! What about just real individuals, real human beings? All these boxes and so many claiming ownership of them. I have a box; it's called Tina. It has no walls, no ceiling and no floor. I'm the only one here and I like it that way. Maybe there is a invisible box for you?
ReplyDeleteIf someone is controlling us, it is because we gave them permission to do so. Here's the part that bites; we can no longer say we are victims because we allowed them to control us.
If ALL women thought the same, and ALL men thought the same, psychologist would be out of a job. It ain't that simple sister.
Just my two cents, my opinion. Means a lot to me, but virtually valueless in the big world. :D
Oh, I wouldn't burn that bra. I'm sure someone will think you are a feminist transgendered woman with an attitude and will let you know straight away, you're not a REAL one. :P
Peace Out,
<3 Tina
Amen and thank you Tina!
ReplyDeleteLeslie, you are a saint putting up with so many invasions to your right to do what you want to do.
This too is part of who you are, but... let me say this clearly;
you have the right to reinvent yourself at any time you chose as anything you like to be. Become a Wookie if that makes you happy!
You do not have to explain yourself, or apologize, or even blog about it (but I'll be pissed off if I never hear about it :P )
And for heavens' sake don't get talked into justifying what kind of a woman you are. Mrs. Leslie has been a woman way longer than you and has too much experience in manipulating other women for you to hope to keep up. She is trying to use Jedi mind tricks on you!
Be yourself girl; we all miss you.
New blog followed, glad to be of help.
ReplyDeleteQuick question: is Mrs. L reading this blog now? More specifically, did she read my comments suggesting you introduce her to some of your trans friends? I'd be curious to know whether she dismissed the idea out of hand. Would she take to the idea as a means to retain some control, as Mrs. J has? Yes there would be some uncomfortable moments, but that way can lie a lot of fun for her.
I have apologised to Mrs. J. More than once. Not for having something of the girl about me because I can't help that, but for having put her in a difficult position as a result. That's not to say I'm rolling over and acknowledging her as the only injured party and I certainly wouldn't suggest that you do that, just to tell her I realise I've made her life difficult. In this context you're both hurting and it's important Mrs. L understands that.
"I should act like a woman, putting everyone ahead of me, making sure my family has all their needs met before addressing my own."
You didn't choose to be transgendered but you have chosen to try to manage it to preserve the one you love. What Mrs. L needs to be shown is just how damned difficult and painful that process is, and how you've really gotta love someone to do it for them. Answering the above.
Trust: I don't share my email passwords with Mrs. J. She reads my blog, and occasionally she'll ask me what I'm typing, but just as I don't scrutinise her Nokia for SMS texts I don't expect her to be able to delve in my email. If I were you I'd politely refuse. After all, you've shared your private thoughts on your relationship but you haven't laid into Mrs. L or insulted her.
Parcel delivery, does this mean she'd now be OK with home delivery? If so, that's a good thing, isn't it? Better trust, a control thing for her. My stuff normally comes to Mrs. J at work because she's in to receive it, in fact for s petite size UK8 she's a remarkably good customer of Long Tall Sally! (UK ladies clothing store for the lady of imposing height)
If divorce is off the agenda then that must at least be a weight off your mind. In that you may be seeing the influence of her female advisers, her sister for example. I know Mrs. J has just such a select group of female friends who know about me and have provided her with this kind of support.
Bra? Blimey, that's unexpected! if the early 1970s are back though, does that mean you could go out and buy a muscle car? If so I must educate Mrs. J in the ways of archaic radical feminism!
I'm a bit put off by the bra comment and the thing about your supposed selfishness, which is a supposed male trait. She's back on the battlefield in the emotional warfare game now. These comments are both designed specifically to make you second guess yourself, and to minimize your feelings.
ReplyDeleteMen don't hold an exclusive claim to selfishness. Nor are women exclusively selfish and giving. Look at all the children being raised by their grandparents because their mother's are busy clubbing or some such. While I do think men might generally gravitate toward a protective, providing role, and a woman might naturally gravitate more toward a loving, nurturing sort of giving, both genders have a capacity to give unselfishly for the sake of family, and both can fall short.
As for you, you have made some very unselfish decisions. It is odd that she would call you selfish, when you are the one who has compromised your needs farthest at this point, while she struggles to control you. Actually, her very use of this sort of argument shows a kind of selfishness.
By her own argument, I suppose she's a man then.
On the bra thing, just, wow. It is what it is. An item of clothing with a practical purpose. Whatever the original motivations of the designer, I think that even if it weren't socially taboo not to wear one, most modern women would. Hey, life expectancies are getting longer and gravity isn't becoming any more gentle on ligaments.
On the whole deal about them being designed to limit and control female sexuality - that may have been the case at the time, but modern designs are more about showcasing femininity, while simultaneously helping longevity. I suggest Mrs. L. hit the sidewalk for a 3 mile jog without one. She might walk away with a different perspective.
Really, she's just lashing out, and trying to make you feel perverse, and perhaps a little silly. The arguments don't seem rational when you think about them because she's grasping at straws. Maybe she's not only trying to minimize your feelings, but trying to convince herself.
As for the eye rolling because you admitted being upset by her deception, thats a fairly childish response. You are apparently selfish for holding back during the same period and she feels entitled to feel hurt by that. But the cost of her deception is something that can be dismissed with a gesture. Its a double standard.
The email password thing-don't even go there. The epilator stuff, where you both ended up knowing the other's position via espionage illustrates the communication and trust issues. There has been deception on both sides, and changing email address passwords to facilitate snooping only consummates the lack of trust and open communication.
If the only reason you "trust" your partner is because you have him or her on a short enough leash, then its time to change something or move on.
She just read your very open personal blog that you had no idea she had access to. There was nothing in it more serious than driving around in unapproved clothes and visiting a friend. Yeh, there's been some deception, but nothing that goes beyond Lucille Ball hiding a mink form Ricky or Ray Verone lying about a golf outing. Hardly marriage breaking stuff, unless she can't cope with who you are.
And maybe she can't. Honestly, I want a traditional relationship, with a traditional man and I understand that. But you don't have a right to turn someone into what you need. But then, as Tina said, her control extends only as far as you allow.
As for the romantic stuff after, its untelling. Maybe she's telling you that she loves you and needs you. Maybe she's looking for confirmation that you still want and need her. Maybe she is desperate for confirmation that the man she needs is still there somewhere. She's dealing with a lot of insecurity and lack of trust, and her gender role is being invaded. Thats going to come with a lot of complex emotion.
Great comments from everyone above!
ReplyDeleteThe last thing you need to do, is to buy into your wife's definition of how a woman acts. That wasn't friendly advice, it was an attempt to manipulate your behavior.
Bras are a masculine invention designed to control a woman's sexuality? Oh, really? Has your wife burned all of her bras, stopped wearing any makeup and shaving her legs and underarms? That comment was just plain silly.
Sharing email passwords? Uh-huh.......and I can guarantee you she will be reading your emails every chance she gets.
Having your Leslie packages delivered straight to the house? Why? So she can open them first, and then have something to say about why you bought them without first getting her approval?
The merry-go-round keeps on turning, but always bringing you back to the same place. It must be terribly exhausting for you.
Melissa XX
Leslie, I have thought long and hard before filing this comment. I think the password thing did me in.
ReplyDeleteYou know how I preach love and marriage, compromise and sacrifice. I think you have done all of that and it's going nowhere fast.
You are one stressed out puppy and it's time to take the offensive. None of this puppy stuff. Now is the time to become the wolf.
Get the calculator out and take a look at what a divorce is going to cost. See if you can afford it. If you can, I think it is time to play that card.
She won't bend. She is controlling. You are incredibly manipulated.
You are miserable now. Might as well at least be miserable but able to where a skirt and heels whenever you want rather than put up with this crap.
Yes, doesn't sound like me, does it? I guess I have just had it with this woman who calls you her husband.
Read the post this morning. Went out and did manly stuff this afternoon. Been thinking about it all day. I generally don't write this kind of stuff without thinking it out first...and I did.
Good luck, girlfriend. I may phone you during the week if you're up to a call from me.
Calie xxx
Leslie, I am lost for words!
ReplyDeleteShe does not want a divorce because she has you in a mental strangle hold. To even suggest that you give her your password is madness and has nothing to do with trust. I doubt you could trust her for a moment with that knowledge.
Then she has the nerve to demand sex! If that is the best you can expect from her now you need to be writing honest lists for and against spending a life of controlled misery with her.
Sorry to be so brutal, it is not in my nature but it pains me to hear of this sort of mistreatment.
Caroline xxx
I cant shake my head enough at her. Mostly because I've seen it with my wife...the same reactions, the same retorts, but it's all completely blind.
ReplyDeleteHow is it women put others ahead of them if she is not putting you above her then? That's so hypocritical right there.....anyways sorry, venting.