In the comments to the previous entry, Renee posed some questions that I've left hanging. I am not required to answer these questions, but it seems like an important thing to address, especially now that the blog has become private. More than anything, Renee made me think about these things more directly and critically. A good exercise for anyone.
What am I anyway?
I've spent a lot of years hiding behind the crossdresser label, appropriately enough. I certainly do crossdress, if infrequently, but when I'm being honest with myself, I recognize that I am likely transsexual. It's hard to know for certain, especially with so little real life experience at it, but given my small sample size, I know that I am more at ease when presenting female, and more social, less anxious.
Do I intend to transition?
A harder question. As long as the marriage holds up, I think the possibility is near zero. Out of the marriage, hypothetically, I'd give it about a 10% chance of living as a female full-time. I don't seem to have the drive to go forward with this, and that's fine with me. Now, lesser steps are another matter. I want to lose the beard. I'd like to lose the testosterone. I want to be able to go out in public from time to time. I would like to be "out" to people outside the trans community.
What is my motivation to stay in my marriage?
I love my wife and family, and don't wish to hurt them. I fear change, creating a new life and situation for myself. Finances are pretty grim, so a bankruptcy would be required to dissolve the marriage. I am naturally monogamous, and I don't think partnering up again would be easy, particularly in light of my "differentness". I like being intimate with my wife.
What is my motivation to leave the marriage?
The opportunity to explore my gender issues fully, and figure out the final answers to the first two questions. Learning to live without being co-dependent. Bringing order to my life, away from the chaos that reigns in my home, which would greatly ease my anxieties.
All these answers are subject to change, of course. These are based on current conditions and the relative emotional stability in my marriage. Mrs. Leslie seems greatly calmed knowing that my blog is truly private now. Accidentally outing myself is a huge fear for her. Now, if I share all this stuff with her, she might decide that living with me is intolerable, and I might wind up with the freedom I crave and fear. Be careful what you wish for, right?
Followup questions are expected and welcomed.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Leslie, I think it's good you are thinking about these things and trying to figure things out. You know my whole take on boxes and labels. My advice would be to just figure out who you are as a person. We are more than just gender, we are unique individuals with our own personalities, needs and desires.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to gender, I do think you are correct about getting out and expressing yourself beyond the meetings to figure out exactly who you are in that regard. Finding your authentic self is tricky when so much of our previous life has been a facade. You'll figure it out in time. Sadly, the situation you are in now will likely keep you in a state of limbo.
As far as the marriage; you know I ain't going there honey. The answers are in your heart...you just have to find them. Seems you are looking at the whole picture. Wish you the best my friend. :)
Peace Sister,
<3 Tina
First of all sweetie, let me give you a very warm virtual hug!
ReplyDeleteNow, let me say that whatever the path you follow, you will always have my complete support!
Secondly, I hope you definitely share this blog with Mrs. Leslie. She needs to know all of this, and I do mean all of it.
As for Renee's comments, please don't think for one minute that we we are in any kind of significant disagreement. We are not. I truly adore her, and have nothing but the greatest respect for her, and everything she has gone through, just as I adore you and respect you, for all of the trials and tribulations you have gone through.
I think you may have reached a point of breaking through the ice. Don't quit now sweetie, keep chipping away. There is fresh air above.
Melissa XX
Oh...I forgot the follow up questions. You did ask for them. :p
ReplyDelete(1) Who is Leslie? If you could design a character in the likeness of yourself; what would this person look like, act like, live like?
(2) Where do you see yourself in one year? Two years? Five years? Ten years? Do you see yourself happy? Accomplished?
(3) What would you do if you weren't afraid? Sorry, I borrowed that one from "Who Moved My Cheese" by Dr. Spencer Johnson MD. An excellent read if you haven't read it already.
Peace Out,
<3 Tina
Well, I feel obligated to say something since I sort of spawned this conversation, but I'm not sure what!
ReplyDeleteAs for being transsexual or not being transsexual, I think it is hard to come to terms with, although for those of us on the other side looking back, it often seems like it was just so obvious. I actively fought against the "transsexual" label for quite some time, refusing to talk about it in regards to myself, even while confessing truths like "I've always wished I had been born female" and "if I had had a choice in this whole birth thing, I would have chosen the other path" in private to my closest friends. But coming to terms with that identity and what it meant to the life I already had in place was a big deal, and an important step. I suspect a lot, if not all of us, go through that.
I will say, I don't think it has anything to do with real life experience. Transition yes, but identifying as transsexual no. I know many transsexuals who have never spent a day presenting in their true gender, and although I am a little sad for them, it doesn't really change who they are.
And now I have to run off to work! Take care and thanks for sharing this post. :-)
p.s. My CAPCHA for this comment is "hypershe". How weird is that?
My heart breaks for you, I know of you journey, as we all do.
ReplyDeleteMy question; How and where do you find your greatest happiness?
Do you live your life to keep your children and wife happy and contented?
For me, not transitioning I was not a happy person and often went out of my way to create unhappiness with others and argue with family. I'll just say that when I presented female, I was much happier, cheerful, calmer, outgoing, more engaging with others.
From whom does your calm happy person emerge? Being Ms Lelsie or your other self?
Sarah
Hi Leslie Ann, it's nice to be back. One point to make as I am trying to catch up. I doubt Mrs Leslie is afraid of you outing yourself. I suspect she is afraid of you outing her. And would make a subtle, but distinct, difference in her attitude and actions.
ReplyDeleteHi Leslie. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, but it often times seems to be a necessary step in order to make some of the more difficult choices such as what's important and who we are and what we truly want to do. Unfortunately it seems like if we choose to be true to ourselves we often pay a steep price for that choice. I also hid for most of my life behind the crosdresser label, but finally was honest with myself about being transexual. That wa a big step for me, and I think it is for you too. The big challange is trying to find some sort of balance between my needs and my families needs. I thought your answers to the motivation to stay/leave the marriage were interesting and kind of telling. I have to agree that it seems like Miss Leslie is more concerned with how this all effects her than with your well being. Take care of yourself Leslie, and hang in there; you'll get through this.
ReplyDeleteRebecca
Hi Leslie,
ReplyDeleteIf I might add one comment to the otherwise excellent and thoughtful, kind words said; there is no deadline to do anything other than what is in your own spirit.
Another virtual hug,
Eleanor
Once more late to the party. Sophie's comment was the one that made me stop and think here.
ReplyDeleteWhat are you? Only you can say that. But if the girl doesn't stop knocking when you're at your blokiest eventually you're left with no other conclusions.
Hi girl! Glad to be back, thanks for the invite. Now i have to catch up.
ReplyDeleteFrom the looks of this post, things are still going at the same pace they were when I left off.
All I can say is that I can completely understand when it comes to the marriage....but I tell many people that because I didn't have kids, I can't really say what I would or wouldn't have done...it's just a whole new element to add to the mix.
*hugs* Hope you can continue to explore your needs.
<3 Jerica
Ok wow, now I've caught up....I can see things have definitely changed hah.
ReplyDeleteI hope, for the better. I'm hoping that what's happening here is leading to a climax that will hopefully bring you closer to some peace....even if that peace has its sacrifices.
Take it from me, I lost my wife, my parents, and my church and many friends but I have gained myself...I now LIVE....I look in the mirror and I LIKE what I see....what a concept????1!!
Also you should know that I had always been a pushover husband...I learned from the best: my dad. When I started realizing I needed to transition (um suicide attempt, yah) I had to change that.
Instead of caving when my wife cried her eyes out begging me not to go see a therapist that actually knew what they were talking about....I looked her in the eye and told her I HAD to.
It was hard but again, I can't begin to describe how much it has been so worth it.
*hugs*
<3 Jerica
...new reader here...
ReplyDeleteI just started reading your blog about 3 days ago from the beginning. I'm sooooo glad it is "public" at this time, it is an inspiration (or horror show?) ;-) I keep wnting to "skip ahead" six years down the road.... but will refrain.