As I write this, I am still processing what went down two hours ago. Mrs. Leslie called me at work around 1:15 am. I was wrapping things up to come home. She told me that we needed to talk. She was going to wait till after camping, but she saw that I have therapy Thursday, so the talk needs to be now.
You all know that we are having computer issues, and we are now using an old laptop instead of the PC. Things are set up differently, and I inadvertently left myself signed in Tuesday night. She proceeded to find and read my blog. The particulars of my deceit were soon evident. Dressing away from the meeting site, driving about as Leslie.
Heard this story before? Yes, in November 2008, she found my blog, and we nearly divorced in the aftermath. We agreed at that time, she recalls, that I would set my blog to private, that I wouldn't post pics of myself, etc. She was wrong to trust me. I freely admit that. I have been unable to strike a balance between my two lives, so now I will likely lose everything in one of them.
So now I am limiting access to the blog. The settings page says that blog authors already have access, so I am trusting that most of you can still see this.
Mrs. L told me that she has been struggling to feel connected to me all winter. I thought we were doing very well. I cannot read her at all, nor she me, it seems. She has become increasingly uncomfortable with my behavior, she tells me now. I don't know what to think. I felt kind of blase about it for the first hour, but I am sinking now. The tears are building. I can feel it.
When I started saying, "Don't be like me," a couple weeks ago, I said it lightly, but I knew the truth of it. I am a bit of a snake. Deception is second nature to me. Maybe there is a sociopath lurking within me. I have to question everything, I guess. I don't know myself that much better than she did. What are my motivations? Why was I compelled to risk everything walking this tightrope? The answers really won't help now, but I'm glad that I will have a therapy session this afternoon.
And for God's sake, people, don't be like me.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Ee Gads, I'm signed in and can leave comments now. Wow. I wish'd I'd known that sooner.
ReplyDeleteHey Leslie dear, you're not a total snake. You did your @#$#%'est to strike a balance that would keep you sane and keep your wife happy. If you're a snake then you're wife is the one with the basket playing the pipe. You just keep on dancing.
Hang in there, Sister. I dunno where life is going for you, but the "truth shall set you free" is very true, I found out. But I also found out that it still hurts like hell. Sometimes I wonder if its worth it. But ultimately I feel better when I'm truthful.
Call me if you need to. I'm off tomorrow so even if you wake me in the night that's okay.
Breathe deep, then let it out slowly. Then take a Valium.
Sylvia
Honey, you have NOT been deceitful...
ReplyDeleteYou are entitled to a life and to privacy, married or not. That last has certainly been violated and that was not your intent. I'd be as mad as hell.
BUT, if you can see this as an opportunity to reassess just what is happening in your life, then maybe some good will come of it.
Hugs
chrissie
xxxxx
Deceit, that's loaded word. It connotes evil intent. I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Being trans isn't easy. Our trans nature is rarely accepted by our parents or others, yet it is an integral part of our being. Fearing their ridicule and rejection, it is only natural that we keep much, if not all of this part of our lives secret from those who can't accept it.
ReplyDeleteChin up girl! You are not an evil person. In fact you are far from it. It's very obvious to me that you love your wife and family, and have made painful sacrifices for their sake. You are truly a good person.
Warm hug,
Melissa XX