Gawd, I'm glad to have therapy Thursday. Tonight was a downward spiral. Felt fine when work started, ready to cry the last couple of hours. Then the drive home, well, nuff said.
Mrs. Leslie wanted to talk today. So, we talked. Well, mostly she talked. About dishonesty, deceit, trust, therapist's ethical code. She feels stupid to have trusted me, and yes, I burned her in precisely the same manner as before. She felt that I understood that blogging was not to be public, that pictures of me were not to be posted, that Leslie would not venture outside the home or meeting site. It was in the contract, after all, that expired over a year ago. The expiration reasoning is the kind of excuse a teenager would use, she says. I knew what she wanted, and the contract was a formality.
I'm tired.
She thinks I just want to drop all my responsibilities and run away to wear dresses and makeup all the time. She thinks that if I'm not getting my needs met at home, that I will meet up with some online friend. I think this is why she wants my email password. Not...gonna...happen.
She wonders why I don't just write about skirts and jewelry, and stop compromising her privacy by writing about our marriage. I told her the point of the blog is to work out my emotional state, and she is a huge part of that. I do write about skirts and jewelry, but it's peripheral to the emotional baggage at the core. She agrees that journaling is a good way to figure things out, but why public? I'm kind of getting used to the private status, it's not the problem I'd thought it would be. People are starting to sign on, including people that I feared losing altogether.
I need to figure out if I want to continue with this farce of a marriage. I'm sure she loves me, or at least the idea of me, and I do love her. But this isn't enough, is it? I cannot continue to pretend to be the guy she married. I can pretend to be a guy, but a very different one than before.
I expect I'll have much to write about after therapy.
A wood and two roads
11 hours ago
Leslie,what she wants is what she signed up for, second best is you on a choke chain and obediently behaving like that person and punished if you step out of line.
ReplyDeleteNo doubt love may still be there but elements have changed, the love is not unreserved anymore.
Caroline xxx
I want start this by saying that I do think partners get sidelined a lot with the issues that we have, and when dealing with the emotional baggage that goes with it.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think that by saying that you just want to go about wearing dresses, and just blogging about dresses and jewelry really misses the point, and belittles the issues that you have. And shows that she is really does not appriciate the enormanty of the issues that exist in your head.
Stupid question, but have you had a heart to heart about the enormity of the issues. That this is not just a fettish about dressing up, but about who you are?
As for the continuing... I wouldn't even dream of getting involved there. Unfortunately that is something that only you know the answer to.
Sterkte,
Stace
Both Caroline and Stace have very good points.
ReplyDeleteI think that you two need to toss the TG shit off to the side (see, I can say bad words on a private blog and not have to wash my mouth out with soap) and remember by you two got together in the first place.
Remember the love (must be a song my that name. If not, Nicky or Teri can write it). Talk about the early days of your relationship. Remind her that if you were interested in guys or your blogging buddies, you would have been doing kinky stuff with guys instead of doing stuff with her (and I did not say kinky).
Don't hide your emotions from her, Leslie. Let them come out, like a dam breaking, of a volcano in Iceland blowing up. Make her realize you love her and you want this to work but make her understand that she needs to truly understand you and your friends. To do so, she needs to meet some key friends of yours, face-to-face, and see for herself that these are good people who just want to be themselves.
I like this private blog. Allows me to say things I would not necessarily say on a public blog. And, you seem to get just as many comments.
Calie xxx
Leslie dear,
ReplyDeleteI should have added comments to some of your previous post, but I wanted to catch up on how your relationship was doing if I were to speak too soon.
What I will tell you is what I learned from my daughter recently. One of the professor from the University wanted to do a documentary about my life, how its different with Kay and how other people have reacted to my transition. I lost my daughter for several years after I transition and just within the last year, she has accepted me and wants to include me in her life making new memories with Sarah.
My daughter spoke openly on a video about how she reacted and saw the affects my transition had on the family, consequences that I chose to ignore as I pursued my dressing and going out as Sarah. What she revealed in the video is that if I had only been truthful to my children that as I was discovering my connection to Sarah and how much a part she should be in my life was important I should have included them. If I had sat them down and we discussed openly and honestly that I did not understand the journey of being transsexual but we would discover and talk about it together, that that might have eased some of their fears and concerns. Then I might not have disappointed my children and lost their trust.
That the way I transitioned by keeping it secret, or thought I kept it secret, they (my children) didn't have the opportunity to transition with we. They didn't get to chance to see what a different, more happier and healthier person I was when I was Sarah. And because we didn't or couldn't talk openly all my sons only remember a father who hurt them and turned away from them. I know they would like to sit down and vent their frustrations but are too proud to at this time in their own lives.
We forget that people need time to grieve and transition with us as they see the person they know, disappear and feel forced to accept this other person who they don't know.
Peace,
Sarah
You know, if you had started your blog as a private blog, no one would be reading it today, other than a few people you already knew, and that you could trust enough to offer an invitation to. The fact that your blog has been public, is why you have 66 followers, and so many online friends.
ReplyDeleteSo many people have left comments on your blog, saying they want to see a mutual trust established between you and your wife, but that can never happen as long as she sees your being transgendered as something you just do for kicks. A dress and makeup wearing fetish, that is something to hide and be ashamed of. How are you ever going to be able to strike any kind of balance in your life and marriage, when she has told you in no uncertain terms, that she hates all of it. With an attitude like that, is it any wonder that you would keep things from her? Why would you share anything with her, when you know that all it is going to do is spawn criticism. You have no firm foundation to build any kind of trust on, because her idea of balance, is to hold you to a one way contract, where except for your monthly meetings where you are let out but kept on a very short leash, Leslie Ann stays securely locked incommunicado in a back room closet, and she maintains control of the key.
She needs to understand that this is not a fetish with you, but that you are indeed transsexual, and that she has no more right to ration or control your gender expression, than you do hers. This is simply something that she can not be allowed to have jurisdiction over. This constant battle for control of this fundamental part of your being, is doing serious damage to both of you. If indeed your relationship is to survive, she has to let go.
Melissa XX
It's taken me a while to get to this piece, and reading the comments I think Stace and Calie have said it very well.
ReplyDeleteAs we all know, here's a difference between a TV and a TS. Yeah, I know, about three years... Damn I wish I was just a TV at times, have all the fun and none of the bother! I bet you do too! As I read it Mrs. L hasn't appreciated that difference fully.
Is it the dressing that scares her the most and would it benefit to move that to one side in the issues pile? In your local support group is there anyone else in our position who she can meet as bloke rather than in Big Scary Tranny mode? Calie, Stace and I are all a little far away.
Writing about skirts and dresses haha, i remember those days too and I also remember saying that I needed to "figure things out" before I really began enjoying skirts and dresses again. And so I did.
ReplyDeleteI hope you do too.