I need to share some things from my therapy session Thursday. Wednesday had been very rough for me, which I think was reflected in my previous post. M had read my blog when I got there, so I didn't have to waste too much time bringing her up to date.
It's time to make hard decisions. This will have to involve me airing my needs completely to see whether Mrs. Leslie wants to try any longer. I will have to put aside my fear of confrontation and conflict, and speak my mind. I find myself backpedalling constantly when we talk of Leslie matters, trying to take the edge off everything. I need to keep the edge, and add a healthy dose of openness.
I also need to change my conversation style. When we talk on these difficult matters, she does most of the talking. She throws things out there, and then I start thinking silently, editing my response internally, maybe giving a vague answer in the end. That won't cut it. I am going to start filling the silence with reflexive statements, repeating back what I thought I heard her say, thereby validating her communication. With any luck, responses will form as I do this. I'm sure she feels that I am stonewalling, when it's really me freezing up, deer in the headlights. I have to do better if we are to get over this.
At one point in the session, I asked what Mrs. L's motivation was to stay in the marriage. M said that I need to ask that question to Mrs. L, in exactly that way. It's the nexus of the whole maypole dance we're doing. She deserves a chance to address it.
It's starting to thunder, so I'm going to post this now.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Sounds like you got your moneys worth from this visit. Time for cards on the table for the sake of both your futures.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, no holding back.
Caroline xxx
Leslie,
ReplyDeleteScary stuff .... but necessary stuff.
You are taking a healthy direction.
Good luck through the storm.
Mel ;)
Thats all wonderful advice. You both do need to communicate about how you really feel. I've been saying for a while that truly open conversation is what you'll each need now to decide a direction.
ReplyDeleteIt is easier said than done though. I've never been exactly where you are, but even with parents and friends its sometimes hard to be completely honest.
There's a fear of the reaction, and a fear of whether you will be taken seriously.
I've known almost always that I am a woman, and though I talked to Mom and Dad often initially about my potential path, I would never state with certainly what I wanted to do. In one confrontation with Mom I finally found the strength to look her right in the eye and defiantly tell her "I am a woman, and I'm going to be myself."
After I just straight up told her the facts instead of needing validation or permission everything was easier.
Broaching a difficult topic is a bit like diving into cold water. You hesitate. There's shock for a moment, then for a bit you want to swim back to sure. But if you can handle the discomfort without getting back out, you temper. Then you might would prefer warmer water, but the cold becomes
tolerable.
So whatever you need to say or ask, just put it out there. The truth comes naturally once you realize you have the right to voice it.
I agree you need to have a conversation, but something isn't clear in this post, or in any of your posts for as long as I remember reading your blog.
ReplyDeleteYou say you need to air your feelings completely, but what are your feelings exactly? Do you want to transition? If you say "no", are you sure that's a forever answer, or just another way of softening the edges for the time being? In all the time I've known you, I still don't really know how you identify.
You want to know your wife's motivation for staying in the marriage, which is totally fair and necessary, but what's yours? And more to the point of my first question, what's your motivation for not being in the marriage? It seems like you've been thinking about that a lot lately, and one you both need to know the answer to.
Sounds like you got some good advice from M. Opening up and getting it all out is good. Getting it all out coherently is the problem. When you are emotionally upset, sometimes it's hard to do that. M's advice of repeating what she says, sounds like a good way of keeping on point.
ReplyDeleteI hope it goes well for you, and that it helps you to each an understanding.
Melissa XX
You know, Leslie, Renee has a good point here. As long as I've known you, I don't believe you have ever told me you want to transition. If you don't, then good for you, but let your wife know that.
ReplyDeleteThis post reminded me of the song, by Depeche Mode, Enjoy The Silence. I guess, in this case, silence is not golden nor to be enjoyed.
Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can't you understand
Oh my little girl
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Enjoy the silence
It's not as simple as declaring you want to transition. Sometimes it takes a long time to figure out just who we are and where we need to be, and even when we've done that, for myriad reasons we can't always get there, no matter how badly we want to, or how hard we try.
ReplyDeleteI don't need Leslie to tell me she is transsexual. I know she is. In her heart, she's a girl. Whether or not she ever transitions is irrelevant. Most transsexuals never do.
I actually don't disagree with most of your comment, Melissa. Leslie may not know what she wants, or whether she could get there, or any of the rest of that stuff...yet anyway. But if so, any conversation about "airing my needs completely" won't be very effective, because the needs part hasn't been adequately defined yet. That's all I was trying to say.
ReplyDeleteOf course, maybe any escalation of "need" beyond the current compromise would lead to divorce...if that's the case, well the terminus point of Leslie's needs may be moot. But if the goal of having an honest, open conversation is to actually understand each other and to work towards a mutually beneficial scenario...well, each person kind of needs to understand themselves first to make that work.
FWIW, I don't need Leslie to tell me she's transsexual either...I'm a nobody in her world and she owes me nothing. But if she wants me to regard her as such, she does need to say it, because I believe in the power of self-identification and will not impose an identity upon someone else just in case it's one they aren't comfortable with.
Oh Renee sweetie, the last thing I want to do is get into an argument with you. I do love you dear, but I just know intuitively that Leslie is transsexual. She is going through so much of the same inner turmoil that I went through. She doesn't need to tell me. I just know.
ReplyDeleteWhether or not she decides to transition is entirely her decision. I will support her no matter what. But I do think she needs to assert her Leslieness now, and not take no for an answer from her wife. That may result in the dissolution of their marriage, but if that's what is needed for Leslie to escape her prison, then I think its the right thing to do.
Melissa XX
Aaah, now it's just like old times. Melissa and Renee are in disagreement, and the sun will rise tomorrow. Love you both!
ReplyDeleteRenee raises excellent questions, and I hope to address them directly Sunday night. No time to write a full blog tonight. I think I have spoken to these issues infrequently in the past, but the ground keeps shifting under me. It'll be a snapshot, where I am now.
I don't know how it happens, but I manage to inspire the best comments in Blogworld. Thank you all.
Talk about arriving late to the party!
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm wanting to put forth a point of view, be it a justification for a change in a data analysis algorithm or a description of my trans history for the gatekeeper shrink, I write it down. Not a case of learning an argument by rote, after all that's dangerous if you ever have to deviate from it, but to marshal my thoughts and arguments.
If you're really going to hold nothing back from Mrs. L then I suggest you do the same. Avoid the rabbit-in-the-headlights.
Actually, Melissa and I aren't in disagreement, although we still have to make a show of it, I guess.
ReplyDeleteI suppose you could say she and I disagree about the whole identification bit...certainly, I have an opinion about what I think is going on here, but I'm not going to impose an identity upon someone. It's important for people to come to these things on their own terms, in their own words, in their own time.
As far as the conversation with your wife goes, I agree having one is a good idea. I think constant, open communication is important. I just don't think much resolution will be found until you're both no longer in limbo about what all of this means. But I'm presuming she'll stick around long enough for you to figure these things out...
And who knows, just because it isn't clear here doesn't mean you haven't figured them out, one way or the other. Like I said before, you don't owe me and my curiosity anything.
I very rarely talk about my wife on my blog. Since Leslie's is private, I'll say this:
ReplyDeleteMy wife has but one concern and that is will I transition. The reason I asked you that question is that your wife must be asking herself that question, wondering if you will. I would hope that once you have addressed that question with yourself, you can give her an honest answer.
The question has caused screaming arguments, crying, etc., but I do believe she now believes me when I say I won't and now our marriage is stronger than ever.
Calie xxx
Wow a few days out of town and....
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is to keep your tone and emotions under control--don't start yelling; that just escalates things.
My transition took almost 20 years because I kept my family as my focus and not myself, and it still was a nasty breakup. Problem is that everyone knew, but no one talk openly and honestly about my dressing. Once I defined myself as transsexual then things happened pretty fast. Just sayin'!
Sarah