The Next Stage

"Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
What would it mean to say
I loved you in my fashion?"
"Why Should I Cry For You" by Sting

So tell me, what stage of mourning comes after anger and denial? I think I am coming out of the denial stage regarding the slow death of my marriage. I think many of you have realized for some time that I have been in denial about the true state of my relationship. For the last week, I've slowly come to a new place. Much of this was spurred by comments from Sophie B and Calie and Tina, who noted that the common ground I share with Mrs. L could be the stuff of a platonic friendship quite easily. And then Liz, the Sonora Sage, cinched it.

My marriage is essentially best friends with benefits. It is largely a passionless affair, with the occasional steamy booty call. In this day and age, one can have this sort of relationship with or without a marriage license. The kids complicate things (understatement!), and give us our main reason for being together this long. Seeing things this way makes me less inclined to cling to all this like a life raft.

Mrs. Leslie has therapy Wednesday, so, as so often happens, she was trying to shoehorn an important conversation into the last minutes before her session. There wasn't even enough time to start the talk, but after the request, I decided to start writing down the things I need to share with her. Here's what I have:

I've burned you twice. What is your motivation to stay? When I tell you who and what I am, you can barely hide your disgust. Why stay if you hate the truth?

I still love you. I'm still attracted to you. Yet, increasingly, I feel that we are best friends with benefits. There is physical passion intermittently, but the emotional attachment seems gone, replaced by a mutual fondness, at least when we're avoiding the elephant in the room. We enjoy one another's company. Is that enough, ultimately?

I think we're both unhappy with the status quo, but we each think it needs to move in opposite directions.

That's just some ideas and thoughts thrown together, and I am unlikely to give it to her in written form anyway, as that has backfired on me multiple times. I think I can deliver this face to face.

I feel like I'm ready to let go now, without despair or gnashing of teeth. The thought of leaving doesn't upset me terribly. Disappointment, sure. Nothing will get done quickly anyway, so there is plenty of time to contemplate further. Still, I think I have taken the first step toward independence, maybe the hardest one, letting go emotionally.