Writing is great therapy, and good for problem solving too. After writing yesterday, I slept on the ideas, and awoke with a realization, one that some commenters mentioned as well. This resentment that I feel isn't about losing my audience, at least not specifically.
No, this is about being pushed back into the closet. Said that way, it's even more angering. As I've said before, 95% of my Leslie world is online. Now that part is three quarters smaller, conservatively. Plus, I have had it made clear that I am not to be dressing away from my meeting site and driving around as such. Another outlet gone. My therapist told me that I need to address all this head-on, not to wait for Mrs. Leslie to come to me. I haven't done that yet, but I feel confident that I will be able to express the utter insuffenciency of the current situation. Too bad, so sad.
On to brighter things. Today my favorite sister-in-law dropped by. She and my wife spent some time out at her car talking, while I was eating breakfast inside. My wife came in a bit later with a bag of clothing. My SIL was cleaning out her closet. I approached the bag, peeked in, and asked what was in it. She said, with some irritation, to wait a minute, there were some things in the bag for me! We went through the bag. She showed me each item, and made clear which were intended for her. I received three items. There was a dark gray silk tunic, and two untailored jackets, one a cream color, the other a pastel pink. I like the jackets a lot, as layering seems to be a fashion fave for me. The tunic I'm less sure about, but we'll see what I can do with it.
I don't know who had the idea to include me in the clothing handoff, but they both had to approve it, or it wouldn't have happened. I have wanted SIL's castoffs for so long. She has a great fashion sense, very feminine. Glad to be in the loop now. I'm wondering if Mrs. L is recognizing the new pressure being put upon me, and is trying to compensate with wardrobe... I don't mind getting more clothes, believe me, but it doesn't make up for my losses.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
I think I'm with your therapist on this one. I'm not one to advocate transgressing Mrs. L's comfort zone because that would not be profitable, but negotiating extensions to that zone has to be done if you are to remain sane.
ReplyDeleteThe clothing sounds very positive. Mrs. L and her sister are still with you enough that they are extending an olive branch. And that can only be a good thing.
Did I spot the words "lurk" and "shadow" in the same sentence in a recent post?
ReplyDeleteCould this be an oblique reference to British punk band "The Lurkers" and their 1977 hit "Shadow". Fulham's finest punk band? Perhaps not....I ain't got a clue as the young men said.
New clothes?, come on, that's got to make you smile.
We are all on a leash of sorts, some longer than others, some self-imposed, and some imposed by society. We just have to learn to live within our boundries. Easy to say but difficult to actually do.
ReplyDeleteYou're lucky with the clothing exchange though, wish I could say the same for myself.
Keep the faith
"God, grant me the serenity
ReplyDeleteTo accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference."
I actually think about that little prayer all the time.
Some boundaries wisdom will dictate changing. Then you find the courage to move them, break them and push them until you have the space you need.
Other boundaries, wisdom will tell you to live within, because the consequences are just too high, or because something simply can't be changed. It takes serenity to accept those limitations.
The first step though is using wisdom to define those boundaries.
I know your wife has been trying to stop you or at least reduce the opportunities you have to be you, but I think she is trying.
ReplyDeleteIts great she does have these times where she shares things with you.
Handled in a firm but fair way on both your parts you may well be able to find a good balance for you both.
She does need to know how important your female side is to you and now things are in the open more I think you should tell her more honestly how you feel.
Hopefully you can then find a framework that works for you both.
I approahed this in small steps over several years, (listed in a recent blog) and it helped my wife adjust.
xxx
I really don't see much change here. I still see your wife as trying to control and ration your Leslie time. She allowed you to accept 3 items of clothing from her sister. Can't you see that she is treating you like a child? Why couldn't your sister-in-law just bring the bag inside and say, "I have some clothes here I think you two might like. Look them over and see if you want any of them". Then you and your wife could have gone through the clothes together like a pair of adults, and decided who would get what.
ReplyDeleteI think this goes much deeper than the fact that you are transgendered. Somehow I get the feeling that even if you weren't trans, your wife would still be trying to control some other aspect of your life.
Melissa XX
I strongly agree with Melissa on this one. Your wife is still trying to limit and control Leslie. I am happy to know that your sister-in-law is aware of you and wants to offer you her old things. As you wife met her at the driveway and didn't let her come into the house, (I am thinking) she is not comfortable letting those she knows to meet you. This is the way my first wife controlled me and limiting my access to her friends and family.
ReplyDeleteSarah