I got some really great questions from Tina and Auntee Sarah, and I want to tackle a few here. This whole introspection thing is fun! Me, me,me. How about some more about me?
Sarah asked, How and where do you find your greatest happiness?
Besides listening to my favorite music, which leaves me elated, my happiest times have been when presenting fully as Leslie. I have many happy experiences, like the births of my kids, but the joy I felt the first time I really saw Leslie in the mirror (January 18, 2008) is hard to match. Though my first time dressed in the company of others (March 2, 2008) is right up there. I think knowing the date from memory is an indicator of how life-changing it was. My anxieties ease when I am presenting female. I still have the same problems, but I feel differently about them. If I were able to present as Leslie whenever I desired to, I am certain the giddiness would greatly diminish, but there is a wholeness that I get nowhere else.
Tina asked, What would you do if you weren't afraid?
This is the visualization question, I suppose. If all barriers were removed, what choices would I make? Well, it's all speculative, but here goes. I see myself living alone, but with lots of close friends. I am living as female full-time. I still have my job, which I really like. People accept me as female, not just new acquaintances, but those that have known me for decades.
Now, my own question. How stupid does that sound? I am a realist, and I don't see any of that happening. I feel like an impostor just for having said it. It's not me, and it'll never be me. Yet, in my heart, that is where I want to be. I've spent a lifetime wishing that things were different than they are. I see that as time wasted, time that could've gone toward achieving some part of my dreams. I suppose I am much closer now than I was, much progress in the last two years.
Still, it's a hollow victory. I am acting out one role for my family and workplace, and another for my local and online friends. Who is Leslie? Who is Mr. Leslie? I'm finding both roles unsatisfying and incomplete. I want to be able to live ONE honest life, not these two false ones.
Well, I wasn't expecting this when I sat down to write, but I'm leaving it as is because I think there is relevance in there somewhere. I still have a lot of soul-searching to do. Thanks for your patience. I am a hot mess, no?
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
You have conflicts but you are not a mess at all. An honest person, whose public honesty has helped others. No you are certainly not a mess. It is as if you are walking in new ground, unfamiliar territory, it may be confused but studying the terrain and describing it for others is not a mess.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteA foundation to work on, a little clarity helps focus the thoughts when you next have a chat.
ReplyDeleteCaroline xxx
It doesn't sound stupid to me at all. When I look at where I am at now and then back on what I thought and wrote just six months ago it doesn't seem that it is all part of the same story. Impossible dreams are only that until they happen. My greatest happiness? Every night when I go to sleep, knowing that when I wake up in the morning I will still be Sophie and living life.
ReplyDeleteHang in there girl. I find that doors open in strange places and at strange times and most times I never even realized there was a door there in the first place.
No Leslie, you are not a mess. You have just taken a step back and paused for serious reflection. Listen to your heart.
ReplyDeleteSarah
You're definitely not a mess. You're just trying to figure out what to do with some complex circumstances. And your dreams aren't silly either. Most parts of that, many of us share.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Shan
I was troubled by your comment about living alone. I can see why you would say you want to live full time as a woman, but why alone? Why not with your wife and kids? Is it because they couldn't tolerate it and you're willing to give it all up or is it because you want to be away from them? Or, is your drive to be a full time woman so strong that it over-powers your love for the family?
ReplyDeleteTough love, girl. I hope you know that only a good friend would feel comfortable asking that question.
Calie xxx
Calie, Leslie might not have a choice but live alone if her wife refuses to live with another person that she perceives to be a woman. It's a difficult decision anyway you examine her options.
ReplyDeleteSarah (I think that's you), I totally get what you're saying. Indeed, I agree with you. I was just asking the kind of questions that, perhaps, a therapist may ask.
ReplyDeleteI always preach love and marriage with compromise and sacrifice, but in this case you may be surprised at my personal opinion on the subject.
I also live in a glass house and, like many others, dark clouds sometimes work their way over my house.
Calie xxx