If you haven't already seen the previous entry, you need to start there.
Sorry for all the confusion. I've never mucked with the privacy settings on blogger, and I wasn't sure what I was doing. I've now invited most of the folks that I correspond with. I have some followers I would like to include, but the invite mechanism requires an email address, and some do not list theirs. If anyone asks you about this, tell them to send me an email, and I'll get them into the system.
I was very happy to have therapy today. It was as serious as any session we've had. I had gotten her an invite and she was all read up and ready for me.
First off, I'm not a sociopath, as I feared. I just felt that my selfish push for more and more despite consequences might mean I was broken. But since I feel remorse, and guilt, and regret, and sensitivity to others' feelings...well, I'm in the clear on that count. M told me that she has seen this coming for a long while, but had to let it happen. She has believed that my decision to lead two parallel lives was not going to be a lasting solution to my problems. Implosion would come at some point. She also told me emphatically that I am not just a crossdresser, something that I already was aware of deep down, though actively denying.
I think the marriage is a goner, though I don't have a timetable in mind. I'm really not sure how this might work itself out with all parties still married to one another. I have now burned her twice, in precisely the same manner. I don't think she'll come back for a third try. Those that don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Yeah...
In reading the previous entry, M had two major concerns. One was the sociopath thing. The other red flag was the revelation that Mrs. L has felt unconnected all winter. Meaning, I'm not the only one being deceptive here. I was completely fooled by her act. I was much happier than I had been for some time, and felling freer to be myself, while feeling guilty to be keeping information from her. How is her deception any different, any more sympathy inducing? I was on a leash the whole time with her feeding me more line, then she pulled rug out from under me.
I had been going to therapy every third week, but we decided that every other week will be required for the time being. I sense that I will need to do a lot of thinking in the coming weeks, about what I want to do, and where my head is. I'm a lot better today than yesterday, but I would still like to hear from you all. Leave whatever comments come to mind on either post, and don't spare the tough love if that is what's warranted. I am far from blameless and having that confirmed won't hurt me. I need to hear some honesty now. Thanx, ladies.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Leslie, I'm very sorry to read these two posts. Those of us who walk this particular tightrope understand how easy it can be to trip.
ReplyDeleteIt's too easy to be wise after the event and say you should have done everything differently somehow. But that doesn't help. The alternative route of taking great pains to stay within the spousal comfort zone can sometimes err dangerously close to giving carte blanche for all aspects of your existence be micro-managed and believe me, that can be just as devisive at times.
Has Mrs. L ever met any other partners of trans people? It strikes me that she's rather too successfully walled herself away from the whole thing. I've commented before that it helped Mrs. J a lot to meet the support group, though I can see that might be a step too far for Mrs. L maybe meeting others in her position would be of benefit to her.
Is there a local-to-you equivalent of something like WOBS, for instance?
She may not find the idea attractive, but given the rather final terms in which you describe your situation, is there much to lose by giving it a go?
Leslie, honey...
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to read of all this, although not surprised...
I can only hope that things go as smoothly as possible for you both.
If you need a shoulder, you have my email address...
Hugs and best of luck, chrissie.
xxxxx
Oops, baring your soul online does have it's risk, doesn't it? Sorry to see you go through all this and we both know it was destined to happen though, just a matter of time.
ReplyDeleteIf you really want to know what we think, guess this is a good time I suppose. Whatever my opinion is worth. :p
You're far from a sociopath, not even close honey. Because of our struggle with gender we all tend to be ego centric at times, most everyone is to some degree. Don't make it worse than it is. You do seem to be on this course of doubt, self loathing and second guessing every decision you make. How can one live under that pressure?
Frankly, having read all your blogs for the last couple years, they seem to be the same issues cycling over and over. Nothing ever gets resolved and sometimes it's really painful, seeing you go through all of this. No one likes to see their friend suffer. I know I only see one side of the story and from here you appear to be some puppet on a string doing this crazy dance or something. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to the mandates you've been subjected to by Mrs. L. It's all madness, pure madness girl.
Perhaps if you two could communicate in some way, you'll have a bit of hope. Otherwise, no matter how much you love each other, you two are gonna crash in a big way. I think gender variant folks learn deceit at an early age just to survive and it becomes a way of life. We learn to hate that about ourselves too. Seems Mrs L has no problem with deceit either, as you've said. Oh, what a tangled web we weave....my, my.
One final thought; breaking free of lies and deceit can be very liberating. Just remember, people don't always want to know or need to know everything, even if it's true. Volunteering information only for truth's sake isn't the best policy either.
Ok, I've blabbed long enough. Hope you don't think I'm preachy cause I don't mean to be. I've made more mistakes than I can count or even want to remember. What ever happens, life goes on sister. Living with a little happiness makes it much more pleasant. Wishing you happiness where ever you find it. Godspeed to ya sis!
Peace Out, <3 Tina
Despite where your relationship goes from here Leslie, you can still have an emotional relationship with Mrs. L, if she's been supportive and trying to understand. Despite the worst that can happen, you can still end up as supportive friends.
ReplyDeleteIf you've suppressed all your feelings, like I did, it's no wonder she feels disconnected. I know love is a feeling, but it's also a verb. It's tough as h*ck figuring out how to tell her what's going on.
I can't always explain to my wife right away, but it eats at me and I can't wait too long to tell her my feelings. Physically separated, I fell head over heels for someone here, and I did feel obligated to tell her that "I felt really attracted to that person."
If you feel you're in a dilemma between two things that you need, remember that there is often a third path, that can be discovered by having an open mind.
Hugs,
Sophie
I'm really sorry all of this has happened, but I pretty much knew it would, sooner or later. I don't think you're being deceptive. The situation just isn't ideal. You're both fighting over who you have the drive to be, and who your wife wants you to be.
ReplyDeleteYou have to take care of you, hun. You have to make yourself the most important person in your universe. After all, who else is going to look after you and take your best interests to heart? She sure won't... and she hasn't. If your marriage is to work, then your wife needs to give you a LOT more space and freedom to be you. The urge to be feminine is NOT going to go away, trust me.
So the only thing that can be changed is your wife and her controlling behavior. If she loves you and cares for you enough, she'll make a TRUE effort, not the nambly-pambly crap she's been giving you. She's hardly compromised at all in regards to your needs. She needs an attitude adjustment and a wake up call, sorry. Things change, people change, life changes. If she can't handle it, then just remember to put you first. That should be the basis of all your decisions. It's that simple, and that complicated.
I wish you the best of luck with all this, and I'm here for you if you need me.
Leslie Ann,
ReplyDeletePlease see my comment on your previous blog.
First of all, let me say how worried I felt, when I clicked on your blog yesterday, only to find you had taken it private. My first reaction, born out of my own silly insecurities, was that I had offended you with some of my comments, and you simply didn't want to hear them anymore, but then I thought no, Leslie is no temperamental prima donna. Having dismissed that silliness, my intuition told me exactly what you have just verified, that you wife had discovered your blog, and the shit hit the proverbial fan.
I'm not surprised. I never once believed that Mrs. L was coming around to acceptance, and it has been an agonizing experience, sitting here and watching you constantly deluding yourself into thinking she was. I can't blame you. Who would want to believe that the woman they loved and had raised a family with, though painful as it might be to her, could not find the space in her heart to accept such a fundamental part of their being?
Leslie sweetie, I know this is extremely painful for you, but change often hurts, and hopefully this change will allow you to get off that insane merry-go-round you've been on, and let your life move forward in a more positive direction.
Thanks for emailing me, and confirming that I am still your friend! My shoulder is here for you to cry on anytime you need to.
Melissa XOXO
Wow so sorry to gear about all this.
ReplyDeleteIts easy to look back and say I should have done this or shouldnt have done that.
But we dont have the wisdom of heihnsight when we make that decision.
From what I can see you have made the decision to hide this from your wife in order to protect your relationship.
That doesent mean it was the right thing to do but I know your motives were good.
In some ways out of this challenge comes an opportunity.
The opportunity you both now have is that the truth is out. Both of how you feel and how your wife feels.
I think if you can both talk honestly and openly about how you both feel and what you both want / need, you may find a way through this.
That could be together or at least it could be as good friends.
I would ask you both to keep communicating.
I think for you to have any chance of being happy you need to express yourself more but maybe you can find a framework that works for both of you still.
I know from personal experiance my wife felt a lot better about things when she met others in her position. I know your wife may not like this but if the relationship is going to survive she is also going to have to make efferts at understanding this and being part of it in someway.
I wish you luck and am sending a big hug.
xx
Leslie,
ReplyDeleteSorry to read what has happened - as others have said you have my mail if you need to do an virtual shoulder.
Stay strong,
Stace
Leslie,
ReplyDeleteI am writing this on what I have read so far. I hate to hear that you are going through this pain.
Thank you for extending the invitation to read your thoughts in this blog once again. Even though I am late for this club, I have read some very helpful advice and suggestions as to "what the f**k do I do now" and my offering would be in the same manner.
I have stood, as many of our sisters in the same place you are now standing as to what your relationship with Ms. L. might go from here. Having this secret discovered or uncovered by the one's you love can shake the foundations of your relationship to its very core. Most of the time it's knocked off its foundation.
Those of us who have passed through this nightmare will gladly tell you what they did wrong, or how they think they could have proceeded differently to protect the one's we love. This 'advice' may or may not help you in your struggles, and you can take it for what it's worth.
What I learned from my protracted divorce, is not to let my feelings of sympathy, shame, guilt or fear control how I approached my divorce negotiations. Do not let her shame you into giving more away than the law allows. You have done nothing wrong.
Just know there are a lot of shoulders to cry on and ears to listen as for you vent your frustrations.
Peace be with You.
Sarah
Well, I am late to the party, I know. Tough love? Okay, here it comes. You are rationalizing and trying to justify your actions by claiming Mrs. L was also being deceptive. Her attitude and actions were based on assumptions she made that turned out to not be true. She was not aware that you were changing off-site of your group meetings and being out and about as Leslie, was she? It is time to put your big girl panties on and deal with it. I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but you were being deceptive about something that sooner or later is going to have to come out in the open and be fully hashed out with Mrs. L.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that you both have been deceptive. Which is a no no in my marriage book.
ReplyDelete