Women are such a mystery. A source of confusion for me in the recent uprising was the lack of anger on Mrs.Leslie's part. When she presented her accusations on the phone, she seemed more disappointed than angry. This, more than anything she said, made me think that salvaging the marriage would be very unlikely. I've never gotten this kind of response from her before, and it made me fatalistic.
That was Wednesday night. Since then, I have been treated with cool detachment, which I've returned. Phone calls at work have been short and to the point, unusual for her. We've been texting a lot. Tonight we were going over some camping issues, and the following ensued:
She: Although I'm happy you are taking (the boy) camping, I'm sorry we won't be able to go out together.
I left this unanswered for about twenty minutes, as I tried to wrap my head around it. What is my status now?
She: Did you get my last text, or do you not want to spend time with me?
Me: Confused by mixed messages. Doghouse one day, good graces the next. Ground feels unfirm.
She: Trying to look for common ground. Would you prefer I shun you or try to talk to you & attempt to maintain a relationship?
Me: Obviously the latter, but confusion is a legitimate reaction.
She: I don't hate you & I don't want us to fight constantly, & I don't want to get divorced. I appreciate you seem to have set your blog to a private setting.
Me: Yes, I did. I don't want to fight either.
She: Common ground.
Me: Okay.
So, I suppose we are working on it again. We will need a new understanding. I will require more opportunity to express my true self. Living only on the internet is for the birds. I do not want to get caught up in her pretending that everything is okay, then turning on a dime. Not fair to me to give me false hope.
All the comments were greatly appreciated. I always love comments, but it was especially important to get feedback in this situation. Many of you think I need to just walk away from this vicious cycle, and I do see the wisdom in that. Part of me wants to do just that. But I need to see how this plays out first. Her reaction has evolved into something new and different, a posture she hasn't shown before. Maybe this is a catalyst to take us somewhere better. I have to let it play out.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
You have such experienced and wise sisters, who have given so much of their experience and care in the last couple of days. I hardly feel qualified to comment, but, I will anyway. LOL
ReplyDeleteYou are at a point now (with Mrs. L's latest offer to find common ground) where really knowing what you need, and who you are is essential. You obviously don't want what you have had (since living on the internet is for the birds; couldn't agree more) and you need someone to know and love that real person, not someone they are trying to resurrect, or mold back into a version they like (we didn't go to wife school, where they seem to teach them this).
You need to take the time to first be brutally honest with yourself (I know, physician heal thyself. this isn't about me), then you have to be that honest and forthcoming to her too, so there will be no confusion when she tries to fit herself into your world.
Thank you for the invitation to be your family. I've never been a sister before. My heart feels like it is going to fall apart when I think of how you are punishing yourself for trying to make this work by avoiding confrontation, trying to live two lives.
You are such a good soul Leslie. Do not forget that as you continue to decide who you will be.
Big Hug.
Halle
If you insist on someone denying a part of themselves, a few things can happen. They can balk openly. They can comply, but it will probably lead to a disconnection and resentment later, or ... there will be lots of secrets and a break down of communication, when the object of your control can not manage to conform to your requirements any longer.
ReplyDeleteOn many parts of the compromise you tried to conform as long as you could. When you could not any longer, you started breaking the rules quietly. In the matter of leg hair, you stood your ground and negotiated a compromise, but that is the one area where keeping secrets wasn't an option, because it leaves evidence.
Maybe she's seeing that tendency, to avoid confrontation through secrecy, and realizing that if she is unwilling to compromise and doesn't foster open communication, that she's never going to know what is really happening.
And no, this doesn't justify deceit. I mean this more as an explanation than an excuse. In the end, I think its best for any of us to stand our ground and be open in any relationship. If its something important that you are not willing to compromise on, its probably best to just tell what you are doing, for the sake of honesty, and then do it. Don't ask permission.
There's nothing wrong with compromising where you can, but on areas where you know you can't its best to just say so and address it. That way you cut to the chase and if your partner can compromise far enough to accommodate, they will adjust. And if not, you know, and have decisions to make.
Halle's lovely comment says a lot. One line that really stands out is "You are at a point now where really knowing what you need, and who you are is essential." I couldn't possibly agree more. It is time to be very honest with her about your needs, and that can only happen if you know what those needs are.
I think that is true for both of you now.
Well, this seems different than it originally appeared. Lovin' the first two comments and I agree in large part. Something to be said about not asking permission to be who you are... just do it... and be forthright about it.
ReplyDeleteSincerely hope you don't think I'm one advocating walking away, honey. I reread my last comment and perhaps it could be seen that way, even though I try to remain neutral and honestly don't have an opinion on that matter. The best case scenario would seem to be to stay and work all this out. You two have something my ex and I never had, which is a true and sincere love for each other. I endured years and years of Hell and try not to read that into your situation, I try. :)
Maybe just put on your big girl panties..."I'm Leslie, livin' large and in charge, so deal with it girl"...could be a new position for you sure. You know, other people don't bend themselves around our expectations. Why do we feel compelled to do that for them? Why?
Best to ya' girl!
Peace Out, <3 Tina
You know me, girlfriend. I'm all about love and marriage/family, compromise and sacrifice. The key word, however, is love. If the spark is still there, it's worth fighting for the marriage. That means compromise and sacrifice...for both partners.
ReplyDeleteCalie xxx
Leslie, write down just what you want and hang on to it. In the heat of a discussion something will get forgotten and since she has brought it to a head find some solid middle ground where you both know where each other stand.
ReplyDeleteIf she cannot allow you some room to breath what will she be left with?
You can't just go back to where things were. Good luck.
Caroline xxx
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ReplyDeleteI'm with Calie on this one. Mrs. J and I have made the position we have because we're both fighting - for each other rather than against each other.
ReplyDelete(BTW, since you went private your RSS feed has stopped, meaning Blogger doesn't tell me when you have new posts. So I have to get off my butt and check periodically, meaning I sometimes see posts like this one a few days later, sorry about that!)
All of the above comments are good and valid but I especially have to agree with Calie and Jenny. Real love is worth fighting for and will endure all.
ReplyDeletePeace,
Eleanor