My little corner is getting smaller. Judging from the history on our computer, my wife found my epilator. I kept the packing slip in the pouch as well, so she was looking into who my benefactor is and where she lives. It's quite far away, so she won't be chucking any bricks through windows.
Mrs. Leslie has not yet mentioned her discovery to me, but if I bring it up now, as I was planning to do, it will seem that I am doing damage control. That was not the way I wanted this to go down. When I found this about a day ago, I felt a flush of embarrassment and a little nausea at the consequences of my omissions. Any confessions I might make now will be tainted by her discovery and whatever fears have been spinning in her head since. Now, the talk is loaded.
The fallout from this is still a mystery. If she brings it up, I intend to be bright and tell her how nicely the device works and what great results it gave me. I suspect she went looking for it after I asserted that it had been over three weeks since I had removed hair. She knows what stubbly legs should feel like, and probably thought I was playing some semantic game with her. My reputation for subtle deceit is well deserved. I've been dodging the truth for many years. Such is the life of the crossdresser.
With the kids at home this week, it's hard to imagine when we might get some time for a private heart to heart. I sense that the air needs to be cleared before my Saturday meeting. I just keep making my life more interesting. Again, my motto: Don't be like me.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
I know I have been over this ground before, but though I completely understand Mrs. L's being upset on lots of stuff, this leg hair thing is really more control than any one person should have in another's life. It's kind of like if she went to the salon and got a pixie cut or something short and you tripped out and demanded she style her hair in a way you like. It's just unhealthy and controlling.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if she acts like this is some violation of a rule, she is the one playing semantic games, not you. You get to shave. Eppilating has much the same result, only without stubble. People's opinion of leg hair might vary. But I think pretty much everyone in the world is in agreement that leg stubble is nothing to miss.
You got a gift, from a friend. You used a better hair removal system. You are using it on the agreed upon annual schedule. With the gaps in the schedule, permanent hair loss and reduction will be at an absolute minimum.
In short, if she gets upset over your changing off site without telling her first, she might have a case. But if she wants to call you a liar because she feels a need to argue semantics on shaving and epilating, in my opinion that is fairly knit-picky.
Oops. hit enter to soon! I wanted also to stay, I hope you'll stand your ground on this one and not let this situation make you feel guilty. Honesty is great, but when you change an appliance, or receive a gift from a friend, you are not required to tell about it if you don't wish to. We're talking private grooming here. :P
ReplyDeleteI digress. Finally. LOL!
Leslie, your life is never easy is it? But we've all had that momnet when someone close to us makes a discovery and asks "What exactly is this?" We've rehearsed the answers and often found the responses (good and bad) surprising. So where next for you? You do need to clear the air, whether Mrs L brings it up or not. You might be better saying "you know this (dressing, shaving etc) is part of me, if you want to know anything, ask and I'll tell you honestly and completely, otherwise I'll assume you don't want to know". She might be very resilient as a person but I guess she is facing many fears and internal conflicts around your dressing and needs to hear from you that she is central to you. Yes it is about control of a seemingly petty thing, but probably because of her insecurity around where you're going as Leslie. Debates about who is most right, or least deceptive don't achieve much other than establishing a scorecard. Sorry to be so heavy, and just ignore everything if this doesn't relate to you. You know I'm probably working through my own issues in the guise of a comment to you! Love from Ireland. Claire Hallam
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Shandy in that controlling your leg hair is a little over the top. Then again I realize in this type of situation you tend to try to compromise. *hugs* Hope everything goes down well when it does come up.
ReplyDelete<3 Jerica
I too agree with Shandy, and I'm not a bandwagon jumper by any means. So you want to shave your legs, epilate them, whatever... you don't want hair there. It makes you uncomfortable. SO??? I can't imagine being in your position. I certainly wouldn't be sticking it out like you are. That could be good or bad depending on one's opinion, but I think it's neither. There's only so much I can take, until I go, "Get off my ass, willya?!?" Sorry, I'm just frustrated for you. I wish I could help. Hugs. :)
ReplyDeleteI assume your wife has girlfriends. You being transgendered, have girlfriends too. I assume that on occasion, your wife receives gifts from her girlfriends. You receive gifts from your girlfriends too. I assume your wife shaves her legs. Because you are trans and not cis-gendered, you shave your legs too, but unlike your wife, you bow to her desire that you remain uncomfortably hairy for nine months out of the year. For those three short months out of the year that you are allowed to own you own body, because it is a more effective method of hair removal, you decided to use the epilator that was given to you as a gift, by one of your girlfriends. Nothing wrong with that, and certainly nothing to feel guilty about.
ReplyDeleteYour wife already knows that you are trans, that you shave your legs, that you go to meetings crossdressed. The fact that you used an epilator given to you by a friend this year, instead of a razor, is an insignificance. Don't bring it up at all. It will only make you look like you have something to apologize for, and you don't. If she asks why you didn't tell her you were using an epliator, simply say you didn't think it was necessary to tell her. If she complains, tell her she is wife, not your mother, and you don't need to explain every single detail of your existence to her. Don't get snotty, or act like you are looking for a fight, just confident and assertive. I've said this before, and I'm probably beginning to get on your nerves, but for the sake of your own self-respect, you really need to establish some boundaries that she is not allowed to cross.
Melissa XX
I'm not reading this as a control thing but an anxiety thing. Control is the symptom. (Leslie I'm reading Mrs. L's reaction in terms of similar reactions I've had from Mrs. J in the past, please accept my apologies if I get it wrong on that basis)
ReplyDeleteTo those readers who aren't in Leslie's non-transitioning-husband state, let me try to explain. Mrs. J's life stability would crumble and fall apart if she lost me and I am guessing so would Mrs. L's were she to lose Leslie. As a result the transgender is about as scary as it gets for her because for all she knows her man is off with those Evil Trannies plotting a path to becoming female and running off with another bloke and leaving her destitute. Strong words but you have to realise how strongly a happily married wife sees something like this. We know it isn't like that because we know just how huge a force it is we have to resist to stay the way we are, but our wives may not fully get it. And who can blame them, this isn't in the training manual for Being A Wife. And that's the anxiety laid bare. Mrs. L is not being the Evil Wife thwarting Leslie's every move though it might sometimes seem that way, she's the Desperately Anxious Wife who's fighting to stay in control and avert what she sees as a looming disaster. I have *SO* been there myself!
Mrs. J changed her outlook considerably when two things fell in to place: she realised just how strong the pull of gender dysphoria really is and how much I meant it when I said I was doing all I could to resist it, and when she met my local support group and found a friendly bunch of ladies.
Would Mrs. L consider meeting a few of your trans friends? Maybe in a neutral location with you in bloke mode if a full-on support group meeting is too daunting for her.
Its a tough road trying to keep everything in balance. Sometimes impossible in fact.
ReplyDeleteI think Jenny has a good point and I too had resistance at each hurdle from my wife.
But she saw how much I was hurting and came to undersatnad the best chance for us to stay together was for her to give a little to.
Meeting partners of some of your trans friends could be a good way forward, but she would have to want to do that.
Sarah: Jim... I have something to tell you.
ReplyDeleteJim: Hey hon, what's wrong?
Sarah: I've been keeping something from you. I knew all along I would eventually have to tell you, but its just so hard.
Jim: ...
Sarah: I was at an office Christmas party a few months ago, and there was a gift exchange.
Jim: Yeh?
Sarah: And... Beth bought me a curling iron.
Jim: WHAT!!? An F#$%ing curling iron?!?!?! I knew it!!!!
Sarah: I've been using it. I know you like my hair straight, but you said I could wear curls sometimes, and this works so much better than a round brush and blow dryer for what I'm trying to do. It's just made my mornings so much faster.
Jim: I can't believe you would keep something like this from me. I've been so worried, because I knew your hair was just TOO curly. You've let me worry about this for months.
Sarah: I wanted to tell you, but I just didn't know how. I've had it hidden in the sink under the q-tip box since Christmas.
Jim: Well.... tomorrow, it goes back where it came from. And you can tell BETH... to stay the hell out of our marriage!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sarah: I'm so sorry!!!!!!!!!
I'm so sorry if this is totally inappropriate. Its also not a perfect parallel. But my point is, there are things that anyone should feel responsible for, and there are other things that life is to short and precious to waste time fighting over. And in my humble opinion, the appliance someone uses for grooming falls so squarely into that category.
There is enough to feel bad about without feeling guilty about things that really are totally innocent and fine.
Love ya sis,
Shann
PS: I'm going to shut up now for real. I can usually show some restraint commenting on your blog, but one thing I just can't deal with is seeing you beat yourself up over something silly.
Wise words from Jenny!
ReplyDelete@Shandy - A very good analogy. You should develop it into a blog post.
Leslie, dear, please tread very carefully through the mine field.
Calie xxx
Darn, I've done a Leslie and missed the fun by arriving late!
ReplyDeleteIn your negotiations it is time to tell her how you HATE smooth legs on her and next winter she has to let it grow out while you loose yours!
Can you do a utube video of the exchange for all your fans.
All the best stuff has already been said, good luck.
Caroline XXX