If you're looking for light wordplay and a happy message, look elsewhere. Unrelenting darkness ahead.
Because she will have therapy Tuesday, Mrs. Leslie wanted a report on my last session. What new compromise on leg hair had I come up with? Well, uh, I didn't. Was I supposed to? From this point, tempers flared.
I've been told that the four months bare plan is not working for Mrs. Leslie. "You unilaterally decided to shave your legs. I didn't have a say." It's my body. And in the past, early notification has resulted in all hell breaking loose. It's easier to do it and ask for forgiveness later. (Shouldn't've said that. That will get major play in therapy.) "That is so disrespectful to me."
"I married a man, not something else." (She can't even say woman, much less Leslie.) "I fear that you're just going to up and leave in five years." Then let's go ahead and make a plan to end it now. "No." You have no reason to trust me. I lived in the closet for 40 years. Deception is second nature. I want to be open with you, but every time I even bring up the subject, you flinch.
I told her emphatically that this is about my identity, that everything I do is paired with a question about who and what I am. It's exhausting and painful. I don't know how far I need to go, or what balance looks like.
She believes that there will always be one more thing, and her therapist is of the same mindset. So, why not figure out a plan to part ways? The only solution she sees is stopping my changes and pedaling backwards on transition. This is a no-go for me.
I have NO desire to off myself, but curling up in a ball and just disappearing has a lot of appeal right now.
Comments are welcome, but please don't encourage my self-pity, and for god's sake, no fighting.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Hm. The usual saying is "My way or the highway". In this case, the highway isn't even on the table.
ReplyDeleteLet's face it, most transwomen who are partnered at the time they start to transition imagine two possibilities:
1) Their partner accepts it and stays. (preferable)
2) Their partner can't accept it and leaves. (much less preferable)
Seems like you got option 3) - can't accept it, but stays anyway. That's a pretty rare (but not unique) one.
I hope your therapists can help with all this, because it's beyond me. At least you're both willing to go to therapy on a regular basis.
Good luck, Leslie, to both of you.
Leslie, with my current mindset I may not be best to offer anything at the moment but...
ReplyDeleteFrom the outsider looking in I really feel that you maybe you would both benefit from joint therapy and not seperate competing therapy...
Thinking of you,
Stace
So she's gone from leaving and finding someone else while she's still young n' sexy, to: You can't leave. You can't shave your legs. It seems she can't live or without you. (Cue the U2 song.)
ReplyDeleteWhat you should remember is that you're actually not the one with the problem. She is. She can't make a decision on things, so she wants you to change your decision. She can't accept you as is (come on, it's not like your warranty expired), and she can't part with you either.
You know what you want. She needs to face reality and make a decision based on what is on the table. Not try to yank the tablecloth off repeatedly.
Sadly, the ball is in her court. You have to wait around for her to make a move, and stop hassling you to forfeit the game.
I'm out of analogies... and thank goodness for that! I hope I made a smirk or maybe a little giggle come to light.
Hugs to you!
Excuse me!? Her therapist is of the same mindset? I thought they were supposed to be neutral and void of opinion, helping the client in self discovery. But then again, what do I know? Perhaps this alliance is only imagined or made up? Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteThere is one rule in Section 3 paragraph 14 of the Transgendered Handbook that states: A girl can maintain womanhood and still "Man-up" when necessary. Seems you have already found this passage and put it into practice. You go girl!
An observation: I know I just see one side of the story. It seems one party is making the rules and demands and doesn't offer or seem willing to engage in any open discussion. My question is; Do we deal with others and especially our kids like this? Is this productive and positive behavior? Maybe it is best to actually talk to our kids and our spouses rather than just create and strictly enforce rules and mandates.
I didn't have much luck with creating dialog either. It takes two to have a conversation. Good luck sister. You have a long road ahead no matter which one is taken.
Ok, I'll leave you with a quote that I put up on my Facebook. It's not for you per se, but I found it applies to me.
"I must be gone and live, or stay and die." William Shakespeare
Peace Out,
<3 Tina
The words "Toothpaste" amd "Tube" keep leaping to mind...
ReplyDelete:-(
Anyway, thinking of you..
Hugs
chrissie
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Leslie,
ReplyDeleteThis is tough stuff, dueling therapists and all. From your so's perspective, the unknown may be even more scary than it is to you. I can offer only the normal advice; keep working on it and keep talking. Attenuate the fear, it is a powerful emotion that messes up rationality. Easier said than done ... I know :)
I wish you well. Keep your courage.
Mel
Wow Leslie. I'm amazed at some of the similarities with my relationship with my wife. In my case, I chose to transition even if it meant losing her. It was hard and I do know people that stayed and tried to work it out but I just didn't think that would work for me.
ReplyDeleteMy wife wanted to stay with me and we would end up "roommates" that were bound by a legal contract. She could only go so far and if it were just my family, going that far would be great...but the one person in my life I love with all my heart, I need to love me and accept me for who I am too.
Not saying that's right for you girl, you have to make your own decisions. Hope you can figure it all out.
I agree that joint therapy might be more beneficial than seperate therapists who seem to have opposing agendas. Seems like she could be a little more flexible and a lot less demanding in what she expects you to comply with. Hopefully she'll realize it takes effort from both sides in order to work this out. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteRebecca
Sounds like you have really laid out the gauntlet and let it be known that you cannot go backwards. I've been wondering when tempers would dredge out the deep truths. I'm sorry it has to come to this for you, but it is what it is, and I really, really hope this works out for the better...whatever that is. I'm always praying for your situation and others like it.
ReplyDeleteI've been off the web since march, so I've just started reading and catching up on your blog; You certainly have come a long way since way back then; unfortunately, your wife obviously has not.
ReplyDeleteShe's still hung up on the leg hair?
From what I see therapists act a lot like divorce lawyers; each taking their own clients side.
I couldn't agree more with Amy! Your wife it seems, is like the Cowardly Lion. Nice roar, but no courage. Congratulations for standing up to her! The ball is indeed in her court now. She now realizes that your body is not the joint property, that she mistakenly thought it was. You weren't being disrespectful to her by epilating, you were simply asserting your rightful autonomy over your own body. Now she has to be a big girl, and decide what she wants to do about it. It doesn't appear that she is willing to take a chance going out on her own. She has too much to lose by taking that route. One thing she said that is probably right though, is her fear that if you do this, there will always be something else. Almost assuredly there will be. Once you get used to keeping you legs hairless, you will eventually want the rest of your body to match, and it probably won't end there. Most likely, nothing short of complete female grooming will ever satisfy you. You may never fully transition, but she will end up living with a virtual woman, and that freaks her out. The thing is, she doesn't have to put up with that if she doesn't want to. She can always leave, if she can only summon up the courage.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments about independent joint therapy, but not at the expense of your current gender therapy sessions. This is about your marriage, and accepting each other for what you are, not your gender identity. There should be no compromises on that.
Melissa XX
Let the cries of disbelief ring out, but I agree with Melissa here. You did nothing wrong. Your wife is entitled to set boundaries for herself, and to determine a recourse for when they're crossed, but she can't set boundaries for you and tell you you're never allowed to cross them.
ReplyDeleteTypically I'm all in defense of wives, who don't really have a voice around here. But voice or not, I just can't wrap my head around the idea that she can say "no" to your shaving and "no" to your leaving and pretty much "no" to anything you want that doesn't necessarily comply with her needs. But then again, I can't wrap my head around the dynamics of this relationship (or others like it). Love isn't simple, but when two people cause each other this much angst...well jeez, life's too short.
And then there's the MORONS (or it "brave ones"?) like me who stay, who tarry, and who forge ahead.
ReplyDeleteI've learned that whenever my own wife set her boundaries, I had to set mine too. "Yes, I am going to do this," "Yes, I have to do this," and "No, I don't wan't to divorce you" and "run oft" with everyone else (A little "Oh Brother Where Art Thou?" kick.)
Both of you will end up setting boundaries. It's only when you paint a huge white line across the center of the house that I'll be saying it's time to leave.
I don't necessarily disagree with Lori's comment...a person can't just hightail it out of dodge at the first sign of trouble. But I kind of want to know what the metaphorical "white line" looks like?
ReplyDeleteTo me the "white line" signifies a point where a couple divvy up what belongs to each, and make clear the other is not allowed to touch what's on their "side". And that sorta sounds to me like what Leslie's wife has done. Except that everything is on her side of the line...including Leslie's legs, body, and identity in general.
I'm still not shouting "divorce" here, but things can't be like that, can they? Can they?
I promise I'm not here to start a fight this time. Brilliant advice all around. Joint counseling: one therapist hearing both sides; both interested parties hearing each side, not in shouts, but in the genuine, open way you tend to communicate with a therapist in the room. Am I romanticizing this idea? Maybe. Still, my first impression is that this could be very beneficial.
ReplyDeleteIt is also true, that your resolve and insistence upon taking control of your own body seems healthy. Now you just have to decide where to go with that freedom. Beyond that, many decisions rest with her now.
How much of her wanting to leave is truly preferring to be away from you, and how much of that emotion is about preempting your potential departure, while she still feels she has time to pick up the pieces?
Mentally, is she starting to convince herself that she needs to leave, with enough conviction to see the process out? Or are the angry outbursts based on flashes of emotion; more an outlet than a glimpse at her intent?
In the end, everything depends on how much she is willing to compromise to make things work, and how much compromise you need. If her concessions so far, plus tolerating shaving is truly enough for you long term, then I have hope that she can eventually adjust.
If you make a stand on this as the one thing you must have to calm your gender issues, and then reach farther at some point in the future, I think the odds of things working long term look a lot less hopeful.
I'm always hoping you both find the course of action that will be the healthiest for everyone involved, whatever that proves to be.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Kidding aside, I agree with Renee here. The white line down the center of the house is more commonly aggressive metaphor "line in the sand." And that speaks more to a war than a compromise. Either way, that's a bad place to be in. It may come to that with you all, and it may come to that with us as well. So far everything I've HAD to do has not caused us to separate, but I'd be lying if I said we didn't have miles to go before we sleep.
ReplyDeleteWell, I've been out of action for a few days, so another late reply but I have an excuse this time.
ReplyDeleteI do believe the earth moved when I read Renee's comment, agreeing with my gf, Melissa. Progress is a good thing.
And, Leslie, I sent you a private email, guaranteed to cheer you up a bit. Juicy, juicy stuff for your reading enjoyment.
And, for my other gf's writing comments here, I do wish I could share with you. Drop me a line, if you wish. Can't do it publicly...and it would make such a perfect blog post for me.
Calie xxx (suffering from the cold that Amy gave Leslie that Leslie gave to me)