Tuesday featured two, count 'em, two eye-opening conversations for me. The first with my therapist, the second with my sister-in-law. I'll take them in order.
Being at home these two weeks has been very pleasant for me. I'm experiencing an emotional fulfillment that I haven't felt for some time. I feel connected to my family. It's given me an opportunity to do some reflection from a place of interior calm. I'm starting to see the last two years as a period of figuring out who I am and what I want my future to look like. I feel that this phase is winding down. I'm still not sure of the answers, but I feel like I've collected enough data to chart a course.
My current mindset is that crossdressing is enough. Full transition still holds a fascination to me, but the logistics are daunting and seemingly insurmountable, and the cold hard facts of daily living scare the daylights out of me. As long as the fear is greater than the desire, I don't think I want it enough to commit to it at any level. It doesn't have the inevitability that I see as a requisite precursor. I told my therapist, M, that the current situation is adequate, with a few adjustments.
With the commitment not to "change", I would need more freedom to be myself. I need a real, versatile feminine wardrobe. I need to be able to do things with my friends from time to time, not limited to the monthly meetings. When the dysphoria starts building, I need to able to address it quickly and without a lot of fighting. I will still need to have bare legs part of the year, but a better wardrobe would make this less important.
I told M that I know Mrs. Leslie has been wanting a promise from me that I won't "change". I'm not comfortable giving that promise, and I need to be straightforward about that. I've wavered about my path many times in two years. I don't want to make her a promise and have to break it. My current calm has not been around long enough for me to pretend that it is permanent. She will have to decide if what I offer is adequate.
I finally got to have my followup talk with my sister-in-law, D. It was a brief conversation. At Thanksgiving, she had told me that she had found my blog, but our talk was then interrupted and never resumed. I was left with the idea that maybe she had been directed to my old Yahoo 360 blog a year ago, when Mrs. L found it. Nope, she saw the current one, and is up to date on all my shenanigans. She then asked me whether I am transsexual or a crossdresser. If the former, she thought that I need to make this clear to my wife very soon. She also wondered if I was straight or lesbian, an incredibly astute question for someone outside of our community. I told her that my recent thinking is that crossdressing is enough for me. She seemed relieved to hear that.
Now I will need to ask her what she thought of my pics. I don't get much feedback from the world of natal women, and I value D's opinions on these matters very highly.
Happy New Year, folks! Don't make any resolutions you can't keep. I won't be.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Leslie Ann - Here's wishing you all the best for the upcoming year. I had the same conversation with my wife regarding whether or not I was going to "change". And I gave the answer that was honest at the time, that no, I did not plan to transition. We both understood the difference between "not currently in the plans" and "no, I am not". She would have been more comfortable at the time with a flat promise that I was not going to transition but I was open and honest with her.
ReplyDeleteAnd the question from your sister-in-law about orientation seems to be astute only from our side of the gender fence. It would appear to be a very obvious question to natal women as every single one I have had any sort of conversation with about my transition has asked it. Like within the first three sentences or so.
Good feelings declared here my friend. Nice to see that you have taken all the soundings you can and can go from there.
ReplyDeleteGood posture for what I truly hope will be a happy new year.
Fondly ...
this sounds like a great well thought through plan that should suffice for the time being. I believe that this is the key, "for the time being" meaning if you can continue to put off the "inevitable" it will no longer be that and you will have succeeded in a good life. Happiness in life is what you make with what you are given. My therapist told me that I would always have depressed days and that transitioning wouldn't cure it all. With that I was like "why should I change, I think I can make do" and so I embark on my current journey. Low dose hormone therapy may make things better for you, but I am sure Mrs. L would flip. I think its great that you sister-in-law knows. The more that know and accept the better and the more you will feel acceptance. Good luck in the new year and thank you for sharing, caring, and being there.
ReplyDeleteB
I think you're coping really well.
ReplyDeleteBut that's all you're doing: coping. It doesn't sound at all like a plan for happiness. Just more unfullfillment down the road.
You've found a compromise that you hope will allow you to get a little of what you want, and still not upset the applecart with the wife.
Good luck with that. But I can't watch this train wreck anymore. I hate to see people torture themselves, or allow others to torture them.
You went through all that just to finally decide you're a "crossdresser?"
Like one needs a psychiatrist and therapy for that!
Whatever happens, I wish you well. Good luck, girl, ooops! I mean "Sir."
I don't call you "Sir," to be mean, but to agree with what you're saying, which seems to be that you aren't really of the feminine gender, or transgendered, you're just a guy that likes to wear dresses, sometimes. Right?
And there's nothing wrong with that, if that's who you really are. I hope it is for your sake.
Leslie Ann - I'm glad you're feeling better about things and hope this compromise works out for you and calms things down with your wife. Looks like a step in the right direction, and hopefully a sign of good things to come for the new year.
ReplyDeleteRebecca
On the astute question thing. I have a (natal woman) friend who - even after becoming good friends with a transwoman and knowing she was married with kids and wanted to stay married - still assumed she was straight. "She's not into guys? Oh, I just took it for granted she was. Huh, weird" were her exact words.
ReplyDeleteThose outside the community generally don't comprehend the separation between gender identity and sexual orientation until it's explained to them.
As for the rest of the post, all I can say is that I know most spouses of CDs worry constantly that things will go further, promises notwithstanding. A change in sexual orientation is also something they fear - again, assurances by their spouse are not enough. Maybe you can find peace of mind in a compromise right now, but I doubt Mrs. L's worries will disappear entirely. Life may settle down, but it can never go back to "the way we were".