I have a compromise in mind at the moment. Well, more of a one time deal. See what you think.
In exchange for shortening my hairless period from four to three months (this year only), I want Mrs. Leslie to read my highlighted copy of True Selves. I don't want her taking notes on all the passages that support her views; I've heard all that and I already know it's in there. I would also like her to start referring to my female persona by name, and use feminine pronouns for my friends.
My goal is to humanize Leslie in her mind. Rather than "villain" or "other woman" or "sad delusion"*, I want her to think of Leslie as a real entity. Which she is...which I am...you know what I mean. I am real, dammit. This is not to start a debate or argument, only to try to open her eyes and mind a tiny crack to my world.
In other news, Mrs. L is already making suggestions for her early January birthday. I haven't given any kind of response yet, but I have a thought. I will tell her that I'm going to re-gift what I got on my birthday: a big bag of diddlysquat. I can carry a grudge just as well as she can. After being ignored on my B-day, Dad's day and our anniversary, and getting her nice gifts on all three of her days, I think it's time to drop a broad hint. If Obama can defend war while accepting a peace prize, I can start a war while negotiating a compromise, right?
*not actual quotes
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Leslie Ann, I have to say that my initial feelings to your proposals are not positive. A “tit for tat” response in a relationship only works when the relationship lasts long enough for both negative and positive responses be given to negative and positive stimuli. And for those responses to be evaluated and acted on in turn. Thinking back on your previous entries, how many times has a positive action by you resulted in what you would consider a positive response from Mrs. Leslie? Not giving her a birthday present is not a broad hint. It is throwing gas on the fire. Giving her a gift does not compromise your position on shaving your legs.
ReplyDeleteOn the surface, asking her to read your book and expecting her to not take notes on passages supporting her position is a little unrealistic. I'm just guessing here, but whose position do the highlighted portions reflect?
Your really are in a difficult and confusing situation. Others who have actually been through where you are at may be able to give you better advice, but I wish both you and Mrs. L the best.
I don't think it unreasonable to say up front that you fell that she deserves something of equal vale to and as well chosen as the gifts she provided for you. Just say it and wait for the response. perhaps tell her that your love is so strong the gift should be of several times the worth of your gift!
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to hear her response.
Caroline xxx
All I'll share is that your biggest fight is probably going to come from asking her to refer to you as Leslie. Doing so is a concession she may see as the beginning of the end. Good luck with that.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm...Great ideas...if it worked. My first instinct is it won't float. She may even take it as a hostile reaction to her demands. And, it may very well be. Dunno.
ReplyDeleteThe last few years I received diddlysquat as gifts although I always bought her something. Then...she gave me the Best Present ever! She left! Have no idea if the door hit her on the ass on the way out. But ahhh, that image...the gift that keeps on giving. LOL
Good Luck Sista!
Peace Out,
Tina
I've got to agree with the others. If she doesn't like you shaving your legs, do you really think she'll use your female name? And she's not going to read the book with any kind of an open mind.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I'm not sure why you're still together, and why this is a woman you want to stay with. I know there are children and financial issues, but it sounds like she's not even respecting you as a husband. If it's the husband -- the man -- she wants, why wouldn't she give you a father's day gift, or an anniversary present?
She just sounds too much like my ex-wife, and she would never have gone for any of this stuff. We've been divorced nearly 10 years, and I still get looks and comments about shaving my legs etc. Even after I transition, I have a hard time imagining her calling me Dana.
We were in marriage counseling for a time before the counselor finally said, "You know, I never normally say this, but you two just don't belong together."
It's going to be hard and sad to end the marriage, especially having kids, but you're never going to be who you truly are until you do that. The only alternative is playing the role of The Man, for the sake of everyone but yourself.
Maybe if she had just let you shave your damn legs, that would have been enough. But if she couldn't do that, I don't see where any kind of compromise is possible, except on your part. Some marriages survive this. Most don't.
The thing I keep telling myself is this: we don't live forever. We only have one life, and it's a short one.
The time to live is now. The trick is finding the best formula for some degree of happiness and validation.
Best of luck and love,
Dana
xxx
Perhaps I should add something more than the usual cynical wit that I usually add.
ReplyDeleteOn the subject of being called by your chosen name, the use of pronouns for you and your friends. Is this really that important? The reason I ask is my Son for example: Is 17 and the first one I came out to and explained all this to. He lives with me and is very accepting and quite understanding. We talk about my friends and refers to them by the pronouns and names I use. I present as myself completely here at home with him. Seems I am as much a mother as a father...maybe just being a good parent is the most important thing.
The point here Leslie is; he is so kewl with me being Transgendered yet continues to call me Dad (I've not ask him to do otherwise). Probably uses male pronouns but I can't really recall. Are names and pronouns that important? The thing about us is we can be the father figure and mother figure. The positive PARENTAL figure. Perhaps the same principles could apply to a spouse. I'm the worst person to say in that area. I do feel I've been a good parent if I failed at everything else. You can do better than me in the spousal relationship department. Just thought maybe some of this could be food for thought. Maybe just forget the gender thing for a moment and think about being a good parent, a good spouse and a good human being. Abraham Lincoln said "What ever you are, be a good one."
I'm sure I'm rambling so I'll go now. Good luck sista, be so much better than me. :)
Peace,
Tina
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ReplyDeleteI think you're going to be disappointed. I also don't see much point in the pronoun thing or the no notes thing, but it's your negotiation. Somehow I know Mrs. L.'s type, (aka sounds like my mother sometimes) where the world is wrong they are right and no amount of evidence will persuade them otherwise. So I doubt if True Selves will help, but I'm not saying don't try it. Why not? Not much to loose.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you should get her much of anything for any occasion including Christmas. If you get a Christmas present you can exclaim what a wonderful Birthday present it is, only several months late...
Or maybe you buy your own birthday present and put it under the tree wrapped and everything with a big note that says to Mr. L. HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM SANTA.
Good luck, and toast those waffles, they're probably from North Korea or Venezuela.
Sylvia :^)
I really can't disagree with any of the commenters, Leslie. I do think that asking her to accept the name, Leslie, is a bit too much.
ReplyDeleteAs far as her birthday is concerned, I would not hold back. Do what you always do, as if nothing has changed.
You know, I love my wife even more after she accepted me and my friends. When my wife came to understand that I was TG, and has accepted it within limits, it was almost a rebirth of a marriage that was already a pretty darn good one.
That might be a good point to focus on. If she could just accept the fact that you are TG and you have various "needs", with the understanding that you are willing to compromise on those "needs", it could really work out to her advantage.