It's good policy to write things down when you're upset, set them aside overnight, and then find more delicate and politic ways of conveying your message. I'm going to set aside the second and third parts, and just share my largely unedited thoughts. I don't expect this to flow well, or even make sense fully. I don't care, not like I usually do. I am a raw nerve, and we'll see where it goes. I know my audience, thanks to the private blog, so I feel safe to let loose.
After our tense dinner Friday, we went without touching one another in bed, then said next to nothing significant all day Saturday. When she was coming home from work, I knew that tonight was going to be the talk. A brief call on her way home, coming home much earlier than usual, fixing herself a drink. We watched The Closer, then she told me she isn't happy.
I told her that I knew that. It's been obvious to me for a good while. She says she feels like she's faking her way through life, pretending that everything is okay, that we are a happy couple. She says she is trapped. I told her that everything she is saying is true for me too.
Okay, I want to drop the blow by blow. My head is spinning with dark thoughts.
I am a terrible father. My boy thinks I'd rather be at work than with my family. He said this Thursday. I guess my absence is considered to be a choice, not a necessity. The missus insists that she has never said anything to the kids that would even hint at this idea. I believe her. I just have so much trouble bonding with people.
My bare legs were the first thing she brought up, so it's safe to assume that this issue is never going to fade. I do whatever I want to do. I stay up all hours, sleep in and hurry off to work. We never have time to talk, and that is my fault. My question: why would I want to talk with someone that clearly doesn't like me? Isn't my time better spent chatting with Liz or Renee or Sophie or Shandy, writing to Calie or Claire or Halle or Elly or Penny or Petra? They care. They understand me. They want to hear my most deeply held thoughts. They don't require a fucking filter.
I hate my life and she hates her life. And short of bankruptcy, we are stuck together for many years to come. I told her my suspicions that she has a plan to exile me next year. She thought that was laughable, but in the next breath was wondering what would ever be enough for me, how many years she has till I make my escape. I can truly say here that she isn't doing much to make me want to stay.
We are caught up in a vicious cycle. She resents the time I spend online every night. Yet, her coldness and anger make me want to delay going to bed even further. Since she made her issue clear three(?) weeks ago, I have substantially increased my time and effort with household and child care matters. I can't change overnight, and I'm getting less incentive with each passing day.
So, I'll regret this post tomorrow, I guess. I still feel bound up, but I don't know what else to write. My life sucks, and I make little or no progress in changing that. I just complain about it and try to make it another day.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
You needed to write this, Leslie.
ReplyDeleteNow, this is so easy for me to say....
If you wife would just try to understand you. If she would open up to an understand that you need to communicate with your on-line friends... And, if she did, you wouldn't have to be doing this in the dark of night. If you could just talk about this stuff freely around her.
Yes, it's a dream and while my relationship would appear to be much more open than yours, there is still a lot that I keep to myself.
I do hope this works out. You both need to ask yourself if the wall you two have built is worth a lifetime of loneliness. I think, in private thoughts, my wife and I reached that conclusion long ago. She acknowledges my trans side and she embraces my friends. I, in turn, try not to rub this stuff in her face and use my ways of dealing with my frustrating (exercise, friends, work, diet, etc.).
Calie xxx
Yes you need to speak without filter, if you don't express somewhere, you'll explode. I feel for your dilemma, and the apparent impasse or lack of any accommodation of you.
ReplyDeleteHowever, one suggestion as a parent- when things are rough between you and your wife, show extra affection to your kids, they're picking up on the unspoken and need reassurance. The affection is more important than the chores! Let them know you'll still love them no matter what. If you really struggle to bond-fake it, simple things, drawing, puzzles not trips or bought tickets, but time together in the home. You can negotiate the mutual withdrawal with your wife but your kids need to feel security when the grown ups act strangely.
...and keep expressing things, especially with your wife! The "Why would I want to talk with.." comment will become a self fullfilling prophecy. Talk to diffuse it, even if you two are breaking up it will help to keep it amicable.
@Claire - Really good advice!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Claire as well. Whatever happens between you and your wife, it can only improve with communication. She would like to pretend that your condition will go away if you ignore it and we know this is not the case. You need to be gentle, but persistent in keeping the dialogue honest and open.
ReplyDeleteAnd Leslie, don't regret your posts. It's what you need right now. If you cannot tell her, tell us.
xoxo
I've always said that one of the greatest tragedies of the trans "experience" is that our happiest moments are delivered to us by the hands of strangers, and the worst are borne on the backs of the people we love and who supposedly love us. It's like that for so many of us, no matter where we are in transition. People who don't know us have no reason to deny us anything...the people who do have to choose between being generous and protecting themselves.
ReplyDeleteYou are really bringing some bad vibes to my constitution. LOL Bad memories of a dark and evil place. I need a Tums or some Maalox. LOL
ReplyDeleteSome observations and opinions in no particular order (virtually worthless btw):
1. Maybe it's not about you, your gender, your legs, your activities. Maybe it's about her.
2. Happiness is a choice. She can't be dependent on you to deliver her happiness. Or, she yours.
3. Many times, children believe what they are told, or influenced to believe. She hasn't aided their opinion? Bullshit! The truth will eventually surface.
4. No one is a perfect parent. Balancing work, family, and personal time is tricky at best. We do the best we can, and fail often.
5. Never be drawn into another's delusions and unreal fantasies. Your paradigm doesn't have to mirror hers. Stand back and look objectively.
6. The most effective part of communication is listening. Has communication been effective in the past? Why or why not? Are both parties listening?
7. Most people are ego-centric. Some more than others. Extreme versions are narcissists. Narcissism destroys everything in it's path.
8. Everything isn't your fault. The "man" doesn't have to fix everything. People are responsible for themselves.
9. Personal space and personal time is important to one's well being. Without it, responsibilities form resentment.
10. No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. Friedrich Nietzcsche Who owns you?
Or, maybe I'm just full of shit. But, I did live through much of this and nearly fell off the cliff on several occasions. I survived somehow. My only regret is I let it continue so long and let it eat up my best years. I don't have the answers and you don't either. In nature everything is either growing or dying. Nothing stays the same, although it can appear so at times.
These are only a few observations through my eyes. Maybe a few points you can use. I really don't have any advice. You're on your own but you know you always have a friend here with me. :)
Peace,
Tina
I have come back to read again after a nights sleep.
ReplyDeleteDon't regret the post, this is open and honest to yourself which you can come back to.
Does not paint a picture of blissful marriage but that is out in the open so you both have somewhere to start to find a peaceful truce.
If in the end she does not see you as a couple then at least that should allow you to give Leslie more space in your life. There is a strong possibility that not allowing the best part of you to show causes the frustration to show the misery all the time.
Caroline xxx
I'm still waiting for my owner's manual to life and the instruction guide to a happy marriage. How long do we have to wait or do we just find out for ourselves? So many of us face similar 'challenges' though each one is slightly different, that's why I can't offer any advice other than talk and communicate no matter how dificult it can be at times. Not talking is one of my fortes (sp?) and that causes many problems by itself. You do have friends out here that really do care, it's OK to vent.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Elly
Just want to throw you some support from me! There you go, catch it. Not sure why you feel like you are stuck with her by necessity. Bless you, I am pretty sure there are tons who would give you a couch to sleep on while you sell the house and each find other lodging. It's better for everyone involved at this point for you two to be healthier away from one another, than unhealthily shackled to one another. The kids will get over it. I see your love for them through your posts and your willingness to stifle who you are to be the father you are told you should be.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Aeify
I've been pondering a comment all day, but don't really have anything very enlightening to add.
ReplyDeleteThe problem with the whole "if she'd just try to understand" approach is that she has a very strong motive not to try to understand. Because if she did understand, she'd be accepting that her marriage is not what she desperately wants it to be. That her husband is not who she desperately wants "him" to be. To preserve the life she's been faking, she has to "not understand". At least she's now admitting it's a fake. I hear it all the time from other wives, "he couldn't be a woman because he's too selfish, and women aren't selfish", or "no one could ever take him for a woman, he looks too masculine". Not because these things are true, but if they believe they're true, they can be used as evidence to keep their spouses in the male image necessary for their lives to be the way they want.
The main problem that I see is her unwillingness to ever allow your children (at least your son) to ever know you as Leslie. This isn't something that will be solved by separating or even divorce. It's clear she is sure that if you were untethered by your relationship, you'd transition in the wink of an eye, and that would have her fighting to deny you any custody or visitation, I'm fairly certain. You've told us many times how much effort she puts into advocating for your kids' well-being at school and so you know how hard she'd fight for shielding them from what she feels is something they'd be devastated by. You've hinted before that possibly one of her reasons for clinging to the marriage is to have that control over you, to prevent you from being openly Leslie at whatever cost. She's not going to give up that control easily, even if it means her own life becomes happier.
And I don't even want to get started on the "lifetime of loneliness" issue. At least not in a blog comment. ;-)
So, yeah. I'm just fine with hearing your most deeply held thoughts. You've heard many of mine. Quid pro quo, Leslie. Look for me online when you can.
Leslie,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your invitation to your blog. In trying to log on I think I may have succeeded in becoming a google friend.
This post struck many memories for me and the comments from your friends show great understanding.
In "Gone With the Wind", (other than envying the period dresses), I think back to the closing scene where after Scarlett's entire way of life has been turned upside down and she vows never to be hungry again she notes that "Tomorrow is another day".
My advise is to keep that thought in mind as you keep on keeping on.
Regards,
Pat
I've been there, feeling much the same way, other than the kid thing - in my household, I had the more flexible schedule and more time with the kids. But anyway, what I wanted to say is that there is hope. My wife also went through a period where she was super-sensitive to any bit of femininity about me, like the shaved legs, but now, while she still isn't comfortable with me in full femme, my constantly painted toenails and shaved legs and underarms, slightly shaped brows, etc don't bother her at all. For others this might seem like slow going, but for me, my marriage and love for her is important enough to keep on taking it slow and being thankful for each little step.
ReplyDelete