When I went to therapy Monday afternoon, I had a goal in mind. Or rather, my goal is to have a goal.
I've confessed my confusion here many times, an inability to decide whether to move forward and deal with my gender identity with more than a Band-aid. Being stuck in limbo, neither this nor that, has been useful in some regards, but ultimately futile. I bought myself some time, but my condition is no better. I need a plan for the future.
One reason for this is a persistent worry that I am being strung along by my missus. While she has frequently shared her worry that I will leave her to be a "woman", I too am concerned that she might make a preemptive strike. My boy is in his last year of private school, and I have wondered if, when that financial hurdle has been cleared, I might have outlived my usefulness.
Is there evidence, you ask? Circumstantial, I reply. Her part-time job now requires her to work Saturdays and Sundays. This arrangement is doing us no favors maritally, but she is unbending about keeping it. I think she might be putting her ducks in a row, making sure she has options. If she were only worried about me leaving, wouldn't saving the marriage be the first priority? I dunno. Maybe I'm just seeing conspiracies where there are none. I've said before that wanting to be female doesn't help me understand their thought process.
My therapist has given me homework for next time. I am to create a couple of timelines for myself. As I am unsure of my final goal, she wants one to reflect an ideal future, the other to assume that things stay roughly the same (we'll call that one reality). Both start with the actual present (married, school age kids who don't know, financial quagmire) but build in different ways from there. The idea is to figure out what I want, and how I might get it.
I've already done some brainstorming on it. My first move on both would be to begin hair removal. It is not a real commitment to anything, but it would make me feel so much better. I will definitely be doing these timelines in pencil, because I have never thought this through fully. It's always been an impossibility, just a fantasy outcome without actual defined steps. There are so many increments to consider.
And, just like blogging, writing it all down will be therapeutic.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Hi Leslie,
ReplyDeleteThe timeline suggestion sounds good, especially in pencil; much better than trying to 'erase' a stone carving. One thing to think of is whose in charge of all this? Being in a limbo state is tough, I know cause I'm there too.
Hugs, Elly
Leslie,
ReplyDeleteLimbo is an awful place to live because it's just gray and you cannot see your way out. But you are doing the right thing. Make a list of things you want to do in order, and then go about them as you can. I've been slowly adding one thing and then another thing and it keeps me on an upward path.
You need to at least feel like you are doing something.
As for the wife, she's either going to be a part of your life or not, but that requires some effort on her part as well. If her response is simply to shut down, I'm not sure how she expects you to deal with her.
xoxo
Agreed about limbo. It would be a lot easier for you to know what your wife is thinking/planning, but even if she said something like 'I will stick with you no matter what', you know that a week later you might find a note on your pillow to move out because she cannot take any more. The future is uncertain even for those who are not in our place.
ReplyDeleteAs for your list, this sounds so useful. I should really do the same. Please do yourself a favour however, and keep it to yourself (as much as I would love to share with you) so that you have the flexibility to do what seems right at the time, as conditions permit. If the list is a really good one, it will be a guide for future thinking and action, not a rock pulling you down into the depths.
Hugs
Lots of good advice above which I won't repeat.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the "ducks in a row" would explain a lot.
Hmmm, the best ending of two paths. Stay married and in some form of domestic bliss (I'm not sure how much of that there is, or if there's any), or proceed down the path which will cause "Mrs. Leslie" to jump ship. At the end of that path (being the one of the best possible outcome) you would be fully transitioned to female, with Mrs. Leslie as some sort of friend (what I think is the best possible outcome there), and the acceptance of your kids, coworkers and friends... but you would no longer be married.
ReplyDeleteStrive for the best, but also realize that the best is not necessarily what will happen. I'm not trying to deter you from coming to any resolution, just giving some food for thought. In all probability, though, such thoughts have probably been dined on very often.
I think you should aim for whatever would make you the happiest, whatever that may be. I really do want you to be happy, Leslie. :)
Why would you ant to have a hairy face no matter which path you take? It calmed me down so much getting rid of that fuzz in the face and in the head.
ReplyDeleteCaroline xxx
I'm with Caroline on the fuzzy face! Honestly, Leslie, it was the first step I took outside of going for therapy. And besides, since getting rid of a full beard will take years and thousands of $$$, starting sooner than later will reap rewards down the road. Plus, as a bonus, it'll take so long anyway that the Mrs's isn't likely to notice for a while (unless you do all electrolysis.)
ReplyDeleteOn the timeline thingy, I would make a timeline but not with any hard and fast dates on it. Tentative dates maybe. I'm with Halle on that. Keep it to yourself and the therapist so you have flexibility with time and directions. AND DON'T KEEP IT ANYWHERE THAT THE WIFE CAN FIND IT!!! Even though I wish to encourage you toward something resembling more independence for Leslie; I also hate to see your marriage dissolve. Of course these are choices only you can make.
On the "ducks in a row" I hope you've got your own ducks lined up. The good news is that you're the primary bread winner. The flip side is called Child support. Nonetheless, were I you, I'd be making contingency plans. I know, I've said so before. But the nice thing about contingency plans is that you don't ever have to use them... unless you have to use them and then you're prepared.
Good luck dear!
Sounds like your therapist has a good line on this.
ReplyDeleteI guess you ask yourself...
Would I be happier with or without her?
If with her....then just ask her flat out: Do you want to be with me till death do us part, as we had agreed x number of years ago?
If without her:
1 - If you split the sheets, how do you deal with the kids?
2 - Alimony will be a huge issue and guess who will have to pay? Can you do it?
3 - Who gets the house? That's a no-brainer.
4 - Who do you spend holidays with?
5 - At that point, with no family in the way, do you transition?
Just asking the practical questions, sister, but you don't need to answer them publicly.
Calie xxx
Personally I don't think there is one universal way that either males or females think. Regardless of our genders each human thinks in an individual way and we are all difficult to figure out.
ReplyDelete