By all rights, I should feel happy right now. I don't. I was pretty happy in the days leading up to my meeting. I was distracted in a positive way by the myriad tasks required to make this boy seem lady-like.
We had our Transgiving meeting last night. It was reasonably well-attended, and the food was very good. Barbara Ann made a wonderful Cajun version of stuffing. I was full and content. The company was grand. Lots of time talking to Sylvia, Tina, and Shannon, among others. All terrific things.
We were late getting started, and we stayed late. About 10:30, I get a text from my missus: I'm leaving for work. Where are you?
I reply: Changing!
She: Kinda late, isn't it?
This made me suspect that she was upset, though it wasn't spelled out. When she comes home after work, she normally calls me and chats for 5 or 10 minutes. This time, a terse text: I'm driving home.
Uh-oh. When she gets home, she makes herself a drink, but doesn't offer to make one for me, which she normally would. Defcon 3. Conversation was typical, if not warm.
I do not want to ask her what her issue is. Was it my staying late at my meeting, or did she believe that I had gone off to do something else? It's a terrible thing to say, but I would prefer that she keep her suspicions to herself, rather than dump a bunch of accusations on me. I have had a rough go of it for two or three weeks, and I kept it to myself. I was counting on this night raising my spirits for an extended period. Well, even as I was driving home, I felt like I was going back into the hole.
I hate to write whiny stuff like this. I don't want to read it. I don't know why anyone else would. I am incapable of long-term happiness and should stop pressing for it. I have again painted my wife as a bit of an ogre, even if that seems a fair assessment to me at this instant. Yet, I have to record this here, because this is my safe place to vent, and venting is required. More than happiness, even, I would like to be in a place mentally where I didn't need to vent.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
I doubt she'll confront you with her worries directly. Maybe she was only angry over your being late, but my first impression is that there is some insecurity involved on her part. I'm not sure she was really mad enough last night that it subconsciously changed her routine. I might get scathed for saying this, but it seems she very much wanted you to know she was upset.
ReplyDeleteI actually think you should ask. Someone in this relationship needs to keep communication open. Her attitude last night may seem immature but she does have a precarious situation and reasons for occasional insecurity.
I would ask her very sincerely what was wrong last night. Sincerity shouldn't be a problem. You obviously care or we wouldn't be having this conversation.
She noticed you were down probably and didn't bother to ask in past weeks. I'm sure it's tempting to think "eye for an eye" and just leave it. Except you are hurting just as much as her and any worries she has about your conduct last night are unfounded. If you can clear that up it's better for you both.
I'm kind of at a loss for advice here. I think Shandy is right, because I think talking is generally a good thing. But I'm not sure it'll do any good.
ReplyDeleteWhether she is or isn't mad about you being late, or whether she is or isn't suspicious of you stretching boundaries, is almost irrelevant (in my mind, anyway). It all goes back to the fact she doesn't like any this. And most wives won't...perhaps it's unfounded or unfair, but not many are going to be enthusiastic about this situation. So as long as the status quo remains in place, these things are going to happen from time-to-time. She's going to be unhappy about this stuff and on her best days she may reach out a little, but most times she'll just try to deny any of it is real. And when she's at her worst she'll let show that disdain, try to exert control, and lay on the guilt. You might be able to smooth over some of this right now but you're both living with a situation you profoundly dislike. Or so it seems to me.
That said, you shouldn't hesitate to right about this stuff. Whine about it all you want. Lots of families live with a certain amount of tension, unfortunately, and writing about it is a great way to decompress. This is your blog; we come here and read not to be pleased and entertained, but because we care about you and want to know what's going on. And when things are rough, we want to offer what support we can, little as that may be (very little in the case of this comment).
Ummm, "right" should be "write" in the first sentence of the above paragraph. Yeesh! I need a copy editor.
ReplyDeleteAgree with Shandy and Renee.
ReplyDeleteNobody is going to win here but you need to speak to know by how much you are loosing!
Curfew at your age!
Memory is a fickle thing, this blog is the backup memory if you ever need to remind yourself of how things really were. We read and comment because we care. If only we had the magic suggestion to put it all right. I don't really think masochistic Psychological bondage by a sadistic Mistress of the art is really working for you Leslie.
Caroline xxx
I don't think we ever get to a point where we don't need to vent every once and awhile.
ReplyDeleteYou and your wife need to find a healthier way to communicate right now or it's just going to get worse. Don't let her get away with the silent treatment, even if you know what she's got bottled up in there because you are bottling a lot of stuff up too and pretty soon it's going to explode on the both of you. You have a right to be an equal partner in your marriage and she needs to know this and accept it. Otherwise, you're just on the receiving end of a lot of negativity and I cannot see the point in living that way. Things are already hard enough.
I hope you can find some kind of common ground with her on this, Leslie, I really do.
xoxo
Leslie, more of the above... and a Halle twist, of course, with a little diversion attached. Maybe you don't know the musical "Sweet Charity". Your struggles and mine make me think of "Something Better Than This".
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wGgfYJoZts
There's gotta be something better than this, there's gotta be some good reason to live...
And a great Bob Fosse dance number at the end if you can last that long.
Ask her why she isn't working with you, find out, keep your sanity Leslie.
Hugs
I'm in agreement with all of the above. Feel free to vent anytime you need to.
ReplyDeleteI do think you need to air this out with her now. Don't let it fester.
Melissa XX
"I don't really think masochistic Psychological bondage by a sadistic Mistress of the art is really working for you Leslie." -Caroline
ReplyDeleteThis one goes in my top 20 sentences of all time list. LOL
Good advice from all.
ReplyDeleteLeslie, no reason to feel bad about venting via your blog. Vent all you want!
I have found that I've stopped venting via my blog because I was getting too many comments about my doom and gloom attitude (and I have had plenty of that as of late). It was nice when it was read by an intimate group, as yours is. Got to get my private blog up. What am I doing? Venting via your blog? Sorry, Sis.
Calie xxx
Btw, the "comments" I referred to, above, were from locals who read my blog and not from other bloggers.
ReplyDeleteLook at your friends and how much they care! That must raise spirits a little. As a fellow trangressor, but with a slightly more communicative partner- I can only agree with the above, but say give it a day or two, then communicate, sometimes we need to lose our sharpeness, and our partners anger needs time to diffuse. It's not always a rational fear on either side.
ReplyDeleteClaire makes a great point. The comments I have received here and during the last couple weeks have made a big difference. Though we are separated by many miles, I have close caring friends all over the Western hemisphere.
ReplyDeleteYou kids are swell! I can feel the love, thanks to all.