I suppose I shouldn't have left everyone hanging like that. I did leave off in a bad place. Allow me to bring you up to date.
After the big talk Saturday night, we had a fairly quiet, if tense, Sunday. We were apart most of the day, allowing tempers to dampen.
Monday, I went to see my therapist. It was a rather intense session, as you would expect. Nothing was settled, mind you, but we did explore the major choices I have, the biggest being should I stay or should I go? I am still ready to keep trying to make this work, and it would be great if it could. Realistically, though, I cannot imagine Mrs. Leslie bending to the extent I would need. Miracles happen everyday, but not usually to me. In light of the facts, we will begin to look at an escape plan, in case things become intolerable.
Mrs. L went to see her therapist on Wednesday. Before she left, she asked if she needed to talk breakup with her shrink. I assured her that she didn't. That's a pretty big whopper, even by my standards. There is nothing eminent, but she ought to prepare for that contingency. Maybe I'm leaving her with false hope, but if I pull the rug out from under her, there might not be an opportunity to heal. Tough choice, and one consideration was the difficulty of the subject. So, nothing at all learned from the last talk.
Our affection has resumed to a degree over the week. She has been more talkative and touchy-feely. Even a few hugs and kisses. The bare legs make me question the resumption of conjugals, but the lessening of tensions is good enough for now.
My support group meets Saturday night, so I have been preparing myself and my trousseau for the evening. When feminine presentation is pursued fully only once a month, the details do not come naturally. Essentially, I start from scratch each month. Such is the fate of the part-time woman. We are expecting snow all day Saturday (nothing resembling what the UK is enduring), so attendance may be a little thin.
I think I am going to use the Christmas shopping excuse with the kids, just to give me a fresh reason to be leaving them alone. I am becoming increasingly reticent about telling stories to them regarding my whereabouts. No solutions come readily to mind. Funny how much worse I feel lying to the kids than to the missus.
Oh, one last thing, a happy thing. I picked up my wig from the shop today. Pam washed and conditioned it, and gave it a much needed trim. The tangled ends are gone, the hair is soft and shiny, and the bounce is back in the wavy curls. It's an inch or so shorter, but so much nicer than when I left it with her. Pam is an artist. All for twenty bucks! I will take my hair in for maintenance more often, given the quality and price.
Now, off to final packing for my meeting.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Hi Leslie. Still hoping it all works out.
ReplyDeleteFunny, the first thought I had about the hair....as I told my wife the other day....It always grows back. But, now that I think about it, I suppose a wig is an exception.
Calie xxx
These are crazy times indeed. Maybe it doesn't get better, only different. Depends on perspectives. I've always said a committed relationship is nothing more than selling your freedom and autonomy for companionship to alleviate loneliness.
ReplyDeleteI totally get what you're saying about excuses to get out. Feels like plain lies which I detest and you prolly do to. Who really submits a detailed itinerary before leaving home anyway, especially with kids. We have cell phones if they need us. Maybe try going where you said, leaving out the details. Hey, it worked for me. :p
Have fun at the meeting. Doesn't look like I'm gonna make it.
Peace, Tina
good luck Leslie, I think you're in a really wretched spot.
ReplyDeleteAnother question you might need to ask yourself is; "how far do I have to go to be comfortable and live with myself?" (meaning transition type activities or cross living.) Then follow that with... "realistically where will my relationships need to be to do that?" And then you might begin to get a picture where things are going - if painfully slowly.
Good Luck dear,
Sorry I missed you last night.
Syl
Penny told me I had to sleep on any comment I might want to leave you before leaving it. I'm glad she said that. A person once told me something that I have held very close: We do whatever we want to do....
ReplyDeleteAt the time I didn't really believe it, but now when I look at things going on in my life, I know it's true. I embrace this advice and no longer let myself get "talked" into things like I used to. I hope if you think about it, it will empower you as well.
Hugs
I think that accomodation, concilliation and compromise are three concepts that you should consider.
ReplyDeleteAs much as you may be dealing with your gender issues you do have obligations to your wife and, most immportantly to your children.
I know that there are times when it is critical to one's mental health to be able to express ourselves but there may be compelling reasons to do what you can to control your actions and words.
It is important to be aware of what may be going on in your wife's mind. I have seen surveys that the fear that is shared by the largest percentage of women in this country is that they will get old and end up out on the street. Most of these women can intellectually acknowledge that the odds of this occurring are remote but this fear seems to be hard wired in many women.
Take things slow and do what you can to keep all the balls in the air.
Best of luck
Pat