All this drama seems to be raising everyone's blood pressure. Funnily (to me), all the drama depicted here is unilateral. Mrs. L is blissfully unaware of any disturbance in the force.
Many of you are providing me with tough love, and I appreciate it. I detest small talk and niceties in serious situations. Meat and potatoes for me. Make your argument, get to the point, and then we can work with the truth. No dancing. You ladies have been taking off the (opera) gloves, and giving me a good rogering. Thank you, mistress, may I have another? I like to know where people stand. Many of your comments have been blunt, but none have been unkind. They are the words of folks that care about me. Thank you for helping me sort things out, and see things from other perspectives.
Of course, I'm one to talk. I've been dancing around my truths here at home for years. That's because Mrs. L has a very different style of communication, and being the dominant personality, we do things her way. It's hard for me to blame her for her ignorance, when I am the one withholding the facts. I accept much of the responsibility for the position I am in.
Sophie left a very telling comment, I thought. She dropped an extended version in my mailbox. She is encouraging me to start making some decisions, and calling me out on my BS. And it is BS. I keep going around in circles without committing to any goals. My therapist has suggested working out some goals (more than once), but I truly don't know what I want, or what I am. I complain in this space, and in the shrink's office, and chatting with my friends, but the response to those complaints should be, "So what? What do you intend to do about these problems you are tangoing with? When the music ends, will you still be with your partner? Or will you have changed into a slinkier, curvier outfit, and started looking for a new partner that dances to a different tune, knows more steps?"
I have a lot of work to do in the coming months. I am going nowhere now. Time to map out a future that makes sense to me.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Honey, I've read your last three posts and still not sure what to say. You're one of the most intelligent people I've ever met and I believe you know (what) to do, just not (where) to do it.
ReplyDeleteLife is nothing more or less than a journey...our own personal journey. Suppose you would like to take a trip, vacation or holiday to our European readers. You know what and how to pack the suitcase, gas up the car, pick up traveler checks or credit card for expenses. You can book a motel and I'm certain can map your route to get to the destination. But...perhaps you're not sure where you actually WANT to go.
Maybe Europe sounds like a fun place. But, will you like it there? Would the wife and kids go with you? What if you love it and want to stay? What if you can't get back and have to stay? Will your family want that? Would you want that? So much uncertainty and fear wrenches in the gut, doesn't it?
Perhaps you would settle for a weekend in Gatlinburg or someplace closer to home. But the above questions still apply.
Or...you can just stay at home, as you've been doing. It feels safe and the scenery never changes. Or, does it? Will it? Can it? And without your direction?
I've ask you before; what would you do if you weren't afraid? Not that you have to commit to it...but what would you do and where would you go? What do you want your life to look like in a year? In five years...in ten?
It's all up to you. If you don't choose, someone else may very well choose it for you.
Godspeed sister.
Peace, Tina
After re-reading my post...I hope everyone understands the (trip) is a metaphor and not meant literally. :D
ReplyDeleteI remember Tina's question to you from long ago now. And I think its a good one.
ReplyDeleteIMHO though, I would suggest that you plan to expand your boundaries and be prepared for the consequences. You're a pressure cooker waiting to pop! Best to blow off some steam than to explode. I don't think exploding would do you or your family any good.
Further, I don't think you have to transition to full time in an instant. Is that where you will go? Maybe, but not tomorrow. (Tina's experience not withstanding. :o) You might be very happy as a part time cross dresser for a long time. But it's clear that right now you are not happy with the meager crumbs you get at the dressing table.
Only you know best whats for you.
I'll tell you though, my plan for me all along has been to go slow. I take baby steps and they are small, but I take them. One at a time.
(If you can call electrolysis and hormones baby steps, but they haven't outed me yet and it's been nearly 2 years with electrolysis/laser and >9 months on hormones.) But you don't have to do that, by baby steps I mean just going to the restaurant after group {which I think you've done only once}, go shopping dressed - with us gurls of course! Do something. Shopping online doesn't count.
I suggest you consider small plans and soon. Take a baby step. I think the Finesteride was a great baby step, but clearly you need expression not pills. I can hardly believe that I'm now going out in full daylight dressed to go shopping by myself! Two years ago I would've been petrified to even consider such a thing. But your problem isn't fear of going out, I think its fear of making waves and confrontation.
I offer to go with you some weekend on a girls day/night out someplace; maybe Louisville so the missus won't be too upset. Doesn't have to be too exciting, maybe some shopping, some food, a pedicure, who knows. We can drag Tina along or Shannon or Cassie or whomever so we have a group. But dear, you need to get out! Breathe deep, collect your wits and live.
My therapist, Julie, has told me that I've gotten old too soon and now all I do is sit home and work on the house or yard. I need to get out and live life while I can. "Have some fun," is her admonition to me. I think I can share it with you. You need to have some fun with this girl in you or she's going to come bursting out of you like that nasty alien thing! And if you manage to hold her inside, she'll eat you alive. I know, my inner girl drove me to the brink.
Sylvia
P.S. On another note, I hope to drop by Heavenly Ham in person tomorrow after my Dentist appointment since I'll be on that side of town. I'll let you know how it goes.
Leslie, we know you quite well but to ask us to do a bit of "rogering". It is all a bit sudden and unexpected! Are you wanting us all at the same time or in orderly fashion? I am a bit shy, can I think about this request and get back to you?
ReplyDeleteCaroline xxx
I really worry about you, Leslie. Going back a few posts, I worry about this dressing at work. Do you REALLY think this can go on forever without someone seeing you? Remember that incident in the parking lot a while back?
ReplyDeleteAnd, should you be found, what are the ramifications regarding your job? As long as I've known you, I really don't know if you work in the private sector or public. If a university, than you're probably OK. If private, well I guess it depends on the company.
And what has forced you into going en femme at work? It's your home situation. The one common thread in all of your posts has been your wife's controlling personality. Someday, you really need to make a stand.
And, all of this coming from someone who constantly preaches the importance of love, marriage and family...but is the love really there?
Calie xxx
Well, what do you want us to do, Leslie? Do you want us to all show up at your door, bearing paddles, canes and whips? Under the right circumstances that might be fun, but I don't think that quite applies here. :-) Might even be kind of weird!
ReplyDeleteYour story is sort of like a broken record. Don't worry about it, sweetie. Just keep lifting that stylus, and inserting it back in the the right groove. Eventually you will get beyond the skip, and on to the end of the song!
Melissa XOXO
@ Caroline & Melissa -- I want everyone to form an orderly line and take turns, please. I prefer serial rogering. Thanks for asking!
ReplyDelete@ Tina & Sylvia & Calie -- Thanks for taking the time to write so much. It means the world to me that you care. I wish I weren't worrying everyone, but the concern isn't misplaced.
ReplyDeleteI've got a lot to chew on. Decisions and commitment aren't my strong suits, but the time is nearing when I truly need to make some kind of move.
Being a strong willed wifey myself, I have lots of things I want to say, but I find that none of them are appropriate to really say out loud. I'm not in your marriage and I want the best for you, I really do, but you have to decide what that best is. If you need a shoulder, Penny and I are here for you. You know that. Please keep on posting so we know how you're doing. The thing that really upsets me the most is her apparent unwillingness to really and truly compromise with you. If only one partner "wins" it's not a compromise.
ReplyDeleteI like Sylvia's idea of getting out. If you ever decide find the time and decide to hit Louisville or something, I'm game, if its a weekend.
ReplyDeleteHope I get to see you this weekend at the Transgiving thing!