I am fighting back, but it's a meager effort. It comes out of nowhere. I am having a fine evening, nothing to complain about, when the emotions wash over and pull me out to sea.
Mrs. L is working tonight, but we had a nice dinner with another couple on her break. Good food, good company. Now it's late, I'm computing, and I suddenly just feel so alone, disconnected from the world. There's no cause and effect. It just is.
It makes me want to spill my feelings to my wife. I'm not sure that's a great course of action, maybe pushing more than I should. She's been great in 2010, and I don't want to seem that I'm taking advantage of her good graces. Besides, she'd rather hear tales of brave Ulysses, not tales of weak Leslies. She'd like to think that her husband isn't a bundle of raw emotions, waiting for a trigger. Hell, we'd all like to think that our mates are holding it together well. That's a comforting illusion. Ruining the illusion with truth? That's just cruel.
She has been incredible. We were picking out new glasses yesterday, and, in a private moment, I mentioned that I wanted something gender-neutral that would work both ways. She didn't miss a beat. She knew why and kept it in mind while passing judgment on frames. Today, I told her that my next support group meeting is a potluck, and I have been racking my brain trying to figure out the right thing to contribute. I am neither a cook nor a meal planner. She had several ideas, and I'm confident that she'll continue to make suggestions until I commit to something.
How can I ask for more? I need to lump it and push through it.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
I think the worm has turned for you girl. :-)
ReplyDeleteMelissa XX
Leslie, while I am sure that the slow progress you are making is hard to deal with, the baby steps approach seems to be working. From what I have seen the relationships that survive all involve slow, steady progress. And you are making forward progress. Sure, there is the occasional one step forward, two steps back, but all in all you are further ahead than you were.
ReplyDeleteAnd as far as potlucks go, the classic green bean casserole has always worked well for me. It seems like such a simple, common thing to bring, but people really like it, it is easy to make and it won't cost an arm an a leg. Make it the traditional way by baking in the oven if the logistics work for going right to your meeting or start it in a crockpot and bring that.
Leslie m'dear. I am with Sophie. There are partners out there who would rise to the challenge, and welcome the chance to be a strong buttress to the "Full Leslie", but I get the sense that Mrs. L is not that person, at least not today. And that is fair. She did not sign on to fix anything.
ReplyDeleteThere will be good and bad, and what part of your life does not show both sides after all?
As to the Steely Dan tune, with no functional cassette player in the house, I have not listened to their peak stuff in maybe 15 years. Aja and Royal Scam were both masterworks.
I might try to plug in some old hardware today and walk down memory lane. Thanks for the earworm!
xoxo - Petra
Seems to me that Mrs. L has finally gotten over the "trust" issue. Now that she is convinced you are not just "messed up" and making choices due to external pressures, she seems much more relaxed with your feminine needs. You seem to have a keen sense of how far you can push the envelope. Rome wasn't built in a day and the Berlin Wall didn't come down in a day either. It's just so heartwarming to see you making progress. Good luck always, :)Suzi
ReplyDeleteLife is going OK for you, Leslie, and I'm glad for you. Just read your earlier posts and see how far you and Mrs. L have gone, girlfriend!
ReplyDeleteCalie xxx
I find Mrs. J has strong days when she'll take on anything and other days when the last thing she wants to find is her bloke's a bunch of nerves. If I'm lucky one of her strong days and one of my not-so-good days coincide, if not then sometimes things get a little fraught. I always take the approach that it's best to come out with stuff so if I were in your shoes I'd always talk to my wife whatever, can you catch her on a strong day?
ReplyDeleteI live for the day someone brings a chicken jalfrezi to a potluck.