Today, I have a dilemma. A choice, really. The direction I am leaning makes me feel selfish.
My son is going to a Boy Scout event in the afternoon. Nothing all that important, but still... Mrs. L has already said that I can skip it if I want. Well, I do want to skip it, at least if it means that everyone else is leaving the house.
I want to spend a few hours figuring out what to wear to next weekend's meeting. I would like to put some things together that would be novel, something I haven't worn to previous meetings. I also need to get my face in order. I haven't dabbled much in makeup since early December, and I think I'll be a little rusty. A dry run with nothing at stake seems a wise course of action. Plus I want to figure out what I can do with the makeup brushes I bought. New ways to apply the beauty means putting in some time.
I just cannot do these things when there are others, especially kids, in the house. I have tried to work this stuff in during the predawn hours, but the occasional child appearances have made me decide that that route is a no-go. This will be my last opportunity to do these things before next Saturday.
Anyway, this seems like a terrible thing for a father to choose over his son's event. Maybe if I had something manly that required my immediate attention, but this? Does this make me a bad parent? I'm not sure, but I'm not feeling great about meeting my needs.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Honey, you have my sympathy in a "been there, done that" sort of way. I can understand your need to have Leslie time and I can well recall the deliberations prior to being able to get dressed up and go out. But, with the benefit of hindsight and having raised four kids I will tell you this. Your son's activity today may well turn out to be nothing much at all. As may the next. But I can pretty much guarantee that at some point one of those "Nothing all that important" events will turn out to have been pretty important after all.
ReplyDeleteI realize that parents need to have times for themselves and that on occasion you are going to miss out on something significant. And only you can put a value on what you were doing instead when you missed the ballgame where your kid hit their very first over the fence home run while playing in a not all that important ball game.
Love,
Sophie
Thanks, Sophie. Well said.
ReplyDeleteI usually don't chime in on these subjects, however I've been there too honey. Of the years I've subordinated my personal desires and time, especially in gender expression, I do not regret one second spent with my kids, ever. As for the others; most didn't deserve the sacrifice and I DO regret that.
ReplyDeleteAs Sophie said, you can't do everything and not all events are all that important. An adult has to have personal time however it's spent. The thing I would add is; Does your son really wish you to go with him. His need or lack thereof, of you're accompaniment I believe is more important than the significance of the event. Being there when he really needs you is paramount to the event. Perhaps he is indifferent or maybe just rather hang with his buds. For the answer, never neglect the simplicity of just asking. Kids are usually pretty honest to us when we are with them.
I totally understand your need for personal time and the tight rope we walk in search of balance is slippery at best. Your time has been at an extreme minimum I know and you can't consistently neglect yourself and expect to be healthy. Your kids deserve you at your best.
Good luck hon. Just some of my blah, blah, blah. Only you know what's best. :)
Peace and Hugs,
<3 Tina
Take why you want to skip the event out of the equation for a moment. Imagine that you're just another ordinary bloke and you've got a rare chance to go off with your baseball buddies or something. Would you feel as guilty in that case?
ReplyDeleteIf yes, then maybe it is an important event. But it turns out no then do it without worry. Being Leslie is as important a part of you as baseball buddies are to our imaginary Joe, so if Joe can do his thing then so can Leslie.
Leslie, if you are going to stick it out you have to remain sane and have some time for yourself too. We live in an age where every living breath is now devoted to over indulged children. In our day there was not this obsession to be a slave to a child's every whim, if this is the only chance of a little time to yourself do not feel guilty.
ReplyDeleteCaroline XXX
I don't know that I can add much that has not already been said, it is all pretty much spot on. I would also ask in the last several months have you been doing this, and will this just be a one time thing? If so and if it is not a big deal, then skip it. But if you reflect and decide that you have missed many of these events and your kids will be disappointed if your not there, then go by all means.
ReplyDeleteIf you are finding that you don't have enough time to your self then you also need to fix that so that you will have time for family when situation like this come up. I have promised my wife that I would never cheat my family for my own desire. You also have to think about sanity too though. Will you be intolerable the next several days if you don't do this? If so well then...
Good luck, you will do the right thing.
B
I know what it is like to not have parents attend some function that the other kids parents attended. When I was back in school, I played on a youth association basketball team. My parents never attended a single game. We won the league championship, and a banquet was held to honor us. I was the only kid there, without a proud pair of parents in attendance. It was embarrassing, and I felt like an orphan.
ReplyDeleteStill, I'm somewhat in agreement with Caroline. I don't think it is necessary, or particularly wise, for a parent to attend every little function a child participates in, and as long a it's nothing important, a simple "I'm sorry, but daddy has other business he needs to attend to this time." should be sufficient. Of course it's up to you. If you feel like you have been neglecting your son, then that's something to take into consideration.
Melissa XX
These are tough questions and the answers are not any easier. When my children were is their teen years, I tried to be at every event. I was not at the same place of transition that you are with your children. If you have gone with you son to scout meetings for several months, then you know if there is going to be something special that night. But I think the Mrs L. has given you permission and will be with you son. So don't waste any time.
ReplyDeleteMy children have had a tough time with my transition, and happily my daughter is back in my life, big time. During long dinners with her and her future husband, she made the comment that of all the memories she has of us as father and daughter, she will always remember that I was there in the stand, the audience, the sidelines or helping with her scouting troop. Those are her memories of growing up in our dysfunctional family.
I began to experiment with dressing and make up, doing thing, going place as Sarah after she left for college.
Leslie, the kids grow up so fast. I never missed an event with my son or daughter, other than campouts, which I just don't do. In addition, attending various events, every weekend, kept my mind off of my TG issues. It was healthy for me to attend and it was good for our kids to always have me there. I so remember the disappointment on some young faces when one of both of their parents did not attend a game or event. I also remember the joy on my kids faces when a goal was scored or a badge was awarded.
ReplyDeleteI do understand your need for Leslie time and I fear that you may resort to doing it at work or in other situations which could result in being discovered and embarrassment for you. Do have some local friends who could offer their place as a safe house?
Calie xxx