My writing has been really mediocre of late. For two years and almost 200 entries, I've trudged along, and at times, the prose sang (she said modestly). Not so much recently. I still feel the need to write, but I've just been going through the motions. I've fallen into a formula, and the formula doesn't work for me anymore. Too much has changed.
This blog was built on two pillars: the struggle with transgender identity and the subsequent struggle with my wife. The first reached a nice plateau a couple months ago. The latter has settled into a pleasant truce. So, what to write about? The answer has eluded me.
Today was a therapy day, and I talked with M about my increasing need to express my inner woman, and the lack of opportunities to do so. I often feel that this need to dress is somewhat superficial, that I should be able to live my inner life without the need for an external manifestation. M disagreed. She said that the visual, the tactile, are validating my inner self. To see the woman that I hold inside confirms her reality. To touch my hemline or glance at my heeled foot or notice my made-up reflection, sends a message of "Hey, I'm a woman."
I brought up my unsatisfactory dressing experience of the other night. The thrill just wasn't there, and after such a long break, it should be present. The answer will be obvious to some of you. Again, validation. In this case, doing the dressing thing alone isn't cutting it. Other people need to be involved. My TG friends, store clerks, a movie audience, even Mrs. L would do in a pinch. I've reached a point where the validation of others is paramount. There is a social animal growing within me, and the late night basement routine is getting stale.
So, my internal landscape is shifting, but my writing has stayed in place. I need a new vocabulary for my new paradigm. Small unassuming words need not apply! The language of marital confrontation will be put in storage for a time. A period of external exploration begins now.
What Happened to Womanless Beauty Pageants?
17 hours ago
Validation. Yes.. Nice word. I do remember when that hit me; when the dressing up simply failed to cover the whole story. It was early 1984 and I was still in the army.
ReplyDeleteBumpy rides ahead, Leslie Ann.... You hold on tight, girl.
Hugs
chrissie
xx
The thrill just wasn't there, and after such a long break, it should be present. The answer will be obvious to some of you. Again, validation. In this case, doing the dressing thing alone isn't cutting it.
ReplyDeleteReading what you have written just made my head go click.
For the last week or so I've been too involved in with the pain in my throat to think about much else, but today it's taken a back seat. I'm still not back at work, Mrs Stace is and yet I am here wearning my normal work clothes.
Getting dressed behind Mrs Stace's back just doesn't feel right anymore. Even if she knows. We went shopping together just after the new year and so far everything is sitting there unworn. The reasoning you give makes perfect sense in my head - but wasn't somthing that I had thought of before.
Seriously, thanks,
Stace
If it helps the problem you write about is something we all go through. The things that made us happy before do not work now. It is like your soul is crying out for more. I don't have an answer for you as I still face the same problem as you and have for years. Keep the faith girl we are all in this together.
ReplyDeleteChristine Elaine
For me it is not about the clothes. They are simply a manifestation of who I am on the inside. And the who I am on the inside wants to get out and DO things and live life. And in the doing I get validation of who I really am. But is the actions and not the clothes themselves that are providing it. Perhaps you are moving beyond the point to where it's not about the clothes themselves but rather about the doing?
ReplyDeleteWonderfully articulated post, and lovely comments as well. Clearly this is about much more than clothes for you. Its about expressing part of who you are, and that can not be satisfactorily achieved in a vacuum.
ReplyDeleteYou and your wife seem to be communicating much more openly right now, so maybe you'll make progress on getting her to understand your social needs.
As always, wishing you both the very best. :)
Having recently gone through a similar process I can understand too. In my case it was the realisation that if I didn't get off my butt I'd be in the closet for the rest of my life that did it.
ReplyDeleteI'm still a clothing fiend though. However I recognise that I've shifted slightly over the years from the fun of simply wearing them to an interest in clothing itself, from "Wow I'm wearing a dress!" to making my own and thinking "She shouldn't be wearing that skirt with that top!" when I'm people watching.
Whatever you do, don't take too much risk, that's all. You don't want to turn what should be fun into something stressful.
I agree with M. It's all about validation. When I pass a mirror, I want to see the reflection of a female. If I don't, it just doesn't feel right, so I dress everyday, from the time I get up, til the time I go to bed, and even in bed I wear women's pajamas, and night gowns. The only time I don't dress, is when I have to appear somewhere in public, where it wouldn't be appropriate, so dressing holds no thrill for me either, but it does validate who I am. I guess that's why I rarely ever wear dresses and heels anymore. I get validation from wearing the same contemporary casual styles, that the average woman wears. Other than on television, or at formal gatherings, how often do you see a genetic woman in a dress and high heels?
ReplyDeleteMelissa XX
Leslie,
ReplyDeleteAs some of you have let me know, I haven't written a blog entry in a long time. Part of the reason is exactly what you're talking about here. You call it validation...for me it's more about interaction.
In my last blog I talked about loneliness. I think this is part of what you are feeling. Dressing by yourself in the basement is lonely. You need the interaction with the public. When they interact with you, and accept you as a woman...that's the validation level you seek.
I found that I could pass in public nearly 100% of the time but I still was not feeling that validation. Interaction with those around me became a new goal because it forced me to push my feminine limits...voice, etc.
So, you're right...you NEED to reach another level in your femme life. The trick will be finding the opportunities to do that. Best of luck always. :)Suzi
What a wonder batch of comments you have received, Leslie.
ReplyDeleteI relate to so many of them, especially what Jenny has written.
As you know, I have rarely dressed over the years and only recently have I dressed from head to toe. I just don't get anything out of dressing. I need much more than that. I need the whole package (or lack thereof, if you follow my drift) and I need to be myself in public. Being myself does not necessarily mean wearing a skirt and heels. It means blending in, as a woman, and being with woman and accepted as a woman. Probably will never happen...
Keep writing, girlfriend. I ALWAYS read your posts.
Calie xxx
@Suzi - Nice to hear from you. I have been concerned about you.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, sounds like you are embarking upon the next stage of your journey. Each girls journey is unique and as individual as she is. You were there the night I made my first public appearance, it was yours as well I believe. Things change honey, they always do. We are cramming an entire lifetime of a girls life into a few short years it seems. That night, I was wearing what, a black wrap dress, pantyhose and heels? I can't remember the last time I wore a dress, pantyhose or heels. These days, it's jeans, some funky top and flip flops if it isn't too cold. What I wear isn't just an expression of a woman but who I am inside. My own style that says this is me...who I am. Getting out and just being me is what gives me satisfaction. The clothes are just an extension of that. Dressing up and taking tons of pics for validation aren't important anymore. Things just evolve and move along I suppose. The journey of discovery continues for us all.
ReplyDeleteSo let the external exploration begin. Validation of the person you are is important. Not just a woman, but the person within. Discover YOU, the person you are. So, go forth and find yourself, the original and unique YOU! It's a journey sista...YOUR JOURNEY! :)
Disclaimer: Buckle your lap belt and keep your arms in the car at all times and ride at your own risk. :p
Peace, Tina