What a lonely life most of us lead. That seems obvious, I guess, but like so many things, I'm slow on the uptake. I'll use myself as an example (naturally). I crave solitude. I live in a house with three kids, three dogs, three cats, and a wife. I only get to be myself when I am alone. Yet, that's not when I feel lonely. The loneliness comes when I desperately want to connect with my wife, but know that I must shut off a part of myself to do it. In a room full of friends who don't know my secret, the nearness of people I love is tainted by the necessity of being less than my whole self.
And so, the other life looms large. The time I spend alone at the computer in the wee hours of the morning are the least lonely part of my day. Aside from the freedom and comradery of my support group meetings each month, this is the entirety of Leslie's world. What a world it is.
Of course, blogging is a huge part of this, both writing and reading. The real magic, though, is in the private correspondence. I can share so much more with my penpals than I can put on a public blog. I commiserate offline with several of my favorite bloggers, but also of late, some non-bloggers have sought me out. They felt a kinship with me after reading of my issues, and I'm getting a great deal out of our shared experience. Sad to say, there are others out there having the same problems with their spouses that I am. I love that I can offer advice or handholding from my little nook. This is how I give back, one on one, to the community that has gotten me through the last two years. It's not much, but if someone reaches out to me, I want to take the time to share and console. This is what keeps me going.
The loneliness of my everyday life falls away when I am reading the latest exploits of my friends and composing responses. I will very likely never meet any of these folks in person, but I hope that I'm making their lives brighter. They surely do that for me.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
... I will very likely never meet any of these folks in person, but I hope that I'm making their lives brighter. They surely do that for me. ...
ReplyDeleteYes you do/are. Leslie Ann, there is much good that comes from thinking, writing and responding to friends. It is solitary and communal at the same time and good for the soul.
I hope you can feel though, regardless of the disphoria or the disputes that time with your wife and your undoubtedly charming dogs, cats and kids is vital and life affirming.
You are there in part to support those souls. And you do. And you should take value from that, even in the face of all the friction.
One of your many fans ....
I can relate perfectly to what you are saying. Many people have wondered how I have been able to live alone all of these years, but I'm not usually lonely here at home. I am always loneliest when in a crowd. I usually don't like having a lot of people around. I never invite people to come to my home. I prefer to think of it as my inviolable private sanctuary, the one place where I can always relax and be my self, without having to worry about what others think about me, or how I choose to live.
ReplyDeleteMany people poo poo online communications, but I like them, because they give you time to study and reflect on what people are saying, and give a thoughtful reply, instead of just instantly reacting with off the cuff remarks. I've never been good at off the cuff conversation anyway. I am always very awkward in social settings. That's one of the reasons I've never much liked going to parties. I'm always self-conscious around people I don't know well, and very uncomfortable making small talk with them, until I get to know them better.
Having to hide a significant part of yourself from your own family is very stressful. Of all the people we know, our families should be the ones we can completely open ourselves up to, but alas, it just doesn't work that way.
Your three hours of alone time on your computer at night, must be very precious to you, and seem terribly short.
Melissa XX
Nice post, Leslie. I have nothing to add. You said it all. Applies to me too.
ReplyDeleteCalie xxx
What Calie said, or: Ditto! :) I feel the same as you do, though for different reasons. I don't have the same spousal issues, but plenty of others that do coincide with my friends. I'm so glad to have them, and you! :)
ReplyDeleteThree thats a magic number...
ReplyDeleteI can say I too know your feelings of loneliness, my question, is it the company you keep? If you surround yourself with people you have nothing in common with, then you will be lonely. Would you still be alone if you were with 5 people from your blog? Many times we have to also open ourselves up to others and share. Sometimes you can even talk Leslie stuff, but in the third person, like I know this girl who...
I enjoy my alone time, but also feel as if it makes things worse as it allows me time to reflect on what I don't have with my whole body/gender image thing. I have also found over the years I have slowly isolated myself from those I feel would not accept me, which are many in numbers. So I in turn have created some of my loneliness. Instead of blogging what would happen if you replace it with running in the morning or some other activity....not that I want to loose you. Many times we place ourselves in places where it isn't exactly the best place for mental sanity from many fronts. Make changes in your offline life that will not allow you to be lonely, where you laugh and have fun, run and frolic! Life is what you make it, as we all know, theres a balance, search for it.
Your ability to share the deep lows and the soaring highs is what captivates your audience. That's why so many people are willing to comment in addition to you taking an interest in their life. I'm glad you're out there ranting, venting, and exploiting the hell out of Blogger! LOL.
ReplyDeleteI still need to call you, too. Been a busy week! ;)
Loneliness is a simple word but difficult to pin down. I remember back to the days I was hiding my dressing from my wife. I was experiencing exactly what you are...how stinkin' long would it be before I had a chance to be myself again...weeks, months, ever?
ReplyDeleteIt may just be me, but it seems that many TG ladies are loners, or at least very independent. As a male, it doesn't bother me at all to spend time alone. However, as a female I feel this aching need to interact, share, talk, touch, and let it all out. At the same time, I don't really like floating through a crowd, trying to fit in.
Now that my wife accepts me and is very generous in allowing me to express my feminine side, I go out fairly often and pass well enough to interact with the public. STILL...something is missing. I go out alone...shop alone...eat out alone...go to movies alone.
I guess loneliness has many faces. Acceptance is surely one of the biggies. But there are other aspects to it too. I don't know if most of us will ever be totally satisfied with anything less than total immersion into the female world...and be accepted there.
So, the beat goes on. We keep on keeping on. We do what we have to do. We continue to fulfill the responsibilities we have accepted as a male and we hope for ever greater acceptance in our female lives. We make the best of every opportunity to be ourselves and fight the various forms of loneliness in the mean time.
A tale of two lives...it is the best of times, it is the worst of times.