A Kinder, Gentler Post

Hello again. Not sure how to top that for controversy, so I'll not try.

I was very glad to have a therapy appointment today. It was probably the most emotional session I've had since my first couple of months with M, my therapist. Still didn't cry, but I felt like it would've been appropriate. I just don't cry easily. Demonstrating the depth of my emotions would be much easier if I cried, but barring that, I'm left with my fondness for large words and complex sentence structures. Not the same.

At today's session, we talked a lot about the seeming hopelessness of my situation. We discussed at some length the co-dependent nature of my marriage. I feel enormously selfish for wanting a life that scares the dickens out of my spouse. With me as principal breadwinner, she feels stuck. With our near bankrupt status, I feel stuck. We have little choice but to stay together and try to get along.

When I demonize the missus here, I am doing it to let off steam. My fondest wish, aside from being female, is to be able to carry on with my wife. We have so much in common, and one big thing stands in the way of a healthy relationship: my gender identity. She is the only woman I've ever been with. We share three kids. I don't want to leave, but I often wonder if I will have to. I don't think the status quo is going to satisfy my troubled mind. I'm not sure how long I can deny my alter ego. I do believe that my fear of conflict and my drive to feminize will ultimately be the death of my marriage. My fault for needing to change? Her fault for needing sameness? Maybe a little of both, but mostly two adults growing in different directions despite their probable best interests.