Not what you think. Not a longing for divorce. Rather, I'm very tired of living a double life. Do you see how long it takes me to turn an amzing high into another crisis of conscience? If this were a marketable talent, I'd be on Easy Street.
I had figured...assumed...that the missus had an inkling that I might do something beyond the standard meeting, what with her prolonged absence. In conversation Sunday, it became clear that she doesn't even suspect that I might have been out and about as Leslie.
I feel like I'm violating her trust (and at least one commenter will agree wholeheartedly), that I don't deserve her trust. What I did Saturday was a low risk outing to a restaurant that had ten customers when we went in and three or four when we left. Tonight, I have a kind of sick feeling in my belly. It is a lie of omission, but I know full well the implications. This was very much against our unwritten understanding. She does not believe that public outings of any sort are risk-free. She may be wrong, but she has made herself clear.
So, I live two lives, as I have for two years. It is taking a toll on me, and, in turn, the quality of my marriage. I got away clean on this one, but it makes me feel dirty. It's another nail in the coffin. I can't (won't?) change. I need this, and it is completely at odds with my marriage. If presented with the same opportunity again, I would assuredly do the same thing. I am ready to take advantage of whatever good graces my wife retains for me.
What does this say about me?
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
It says you secretly want to be caught, and in a way it even says you want to end your marriage and lead another type of life. You are on a very slippery slope. The feelings you have can and will betray you. In the end you will have to decide what is more important. This 15 min in another skin or your real full time life that you lead with your wife and everyone else. In the end your Leslie feelings are like a poisonous snake, they will bite and kill everything you currently have. Be very careful and think with a rational mind, not an irrational one. Peace be with you.
ReplyDeleteWell, hello, anonymous! I invited a stoning, I suppose.
ReplyDeleteI'm well aware of the tightrope I'm on. It's true that I don't want to believe the worst case scenario, but I visualize it often. Worry is second nature to me.
Thanks for piping in.
Anonymous apparently has no real understanding what it means to be trans. You don't secretly want to be "caught". That's just plain pop psychology nonsense! It is also not something you do just for kicks, or something that you can just give up for the sake of maintaining peaceful a marriage. Not without sacrificing your sanity, and feelings of self-worth as a human being. Being trans is as much a part of who you are, as your eye color. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Only you can determine what your emotional needs are, but if your wife will not support those needs, then you have be assertive, and tell her you are going to take care of them, with or without her support. What she decides to do once you have emancipated yourself, is her decision.
ReplyDeleteOne thing we trans people have to guard ourselves against, especially if we are fragile types, who are very sensitive to the criticism of others, is to not allow others to project their fears and prejudices about trans issues onto us. In other words, do not accept the guilt trips these people constantly try to lay on us, because they can't handle our trans natures.
In you last blog, I could read the joy you experienced from being true to yourself Saturday night. I was so happy to share that joy with you! There was nothing puerile, licentious, or the least bit shameful about what you did, and no reason to have even the slightest inkling of guilt. Anyone who thinks there was, is all wet.
Melissa XX
P.S.
ReplyDeleteThe idea that a marriage must be maintained at the expense of all else, including your own happiness, and possibly even your sanity, is insane itself. No institution is that sacred.
Melissa XX
@ Melissa
ReplyDeleteThanks, doll. Your support means a lot to me. Anonymous is correct that there is a risk of losing everything, but it's not a switch that I control. Can't turn off trans.
I agree with much of what Melissa said. Being up front about your needs is better than trying to accommodate them from the shadows, especially if the latter violates trust. Marriage isn't an unfaltering institution, and sometimes it's best to leave it behind. And sometimes you have to believe utterly in the rightness of whatever path you've chosen because on certain days you might be the only one who thinks so.
ReplyDeleteBut I see projecting happening on both sides of the fence. Be cautious and do what's right for you.
(of course, you already knew that)
@ Renee
ReplyDeleteAlways surprising me! I expected a tongue lashing from you. I think what you say about projecting is spot on. Thanks!
You just have to love people who have such courage in their convictions...and then post anonymously. I think maybe going out to a restaurant says your hungry?
ReplyDeleteBut as Melissa said in her post, you need to let your wife know that you are going to fulfill your emotional needs with regard to all this, though hopefully in a safe and sane fashion.
Brief moments of joy do just put the moments of sadness in higher relief!
ReplyDeleteMy wife was somewhat taken aback almost a year ago when I stated that I could not go on without some positive change towards the real me. I was already fairly androgynous so not exactly similar situations. Still in this year we have been more open honest and accepting towards each other and it has transformed our lives together. She even now admits that she "prefers!" my smooth hairless body after shedding tears when it first came off.
Call a truce and find space for some negotiations to at least establish the battle rules, start with food and wine perhaps.
Caroline xxx
@ Leslie
ReplyDeleteYeah, I figured I was the person you referenced in your third paragraph! lol.
Honestly, when I read your blogs, usually there's three or four comments already, and so my comments are directed not just to you, but to everyone who might be reading. I think it's important to have the support of this community, but sometimes I think we cheerlead too much. We've been dealt a crappy hand, and with the synergy of the group behind us, it's easy to play the GID card as rationalization for all sorts of bad behavior. I've done some things right and I've done some things wrong in my transition; if I can I'd like to bring a little perspective (although sometimes I get carried away).
Very interesting post and commnets, Leslie.
ReplyDeleteI would have to say that most of us have felt that way at one time or another. I certainly have, although it has been a long, long time since I last had those emotions.
I would not totally dismiss Anon's comments. There may be some truth buried deep in what Anon says. To be caught would certainly bring things out into the open. Isn't there a feeling deep down inside that if your wife is apparently accepting (tolerating may be a better word) your hairless legs that perhaps she just might tolerate your going out as Leslie in public? Anon is clearly associated with the Trans community one way or another. Perhaps a SO?
As far as your outing is concerned, the joy and release of stress that you felt is just an emotion that we who are trans need to experience if we are to remain sane. You did the right thing. You did not force your femme side on your wife and family but waited until they were all gone to do it. Only another TG can clearly understand why you did what you did.
My wife once asked me why I told her I was trans. Her comment was that things would have just so much better, for her, if I had kept it hidden from her. That comment was made in a fit of rage, but I often wonder if I should have just kept it all from her. In retrospect, it is good I told her and I think she would agree.
Calie xxx
I think most of us tried for far too long without disclosure and took all the strain.
ReplyDeleteWe need to find an acceptable balance by trial and error like today I tested the water with the ear piercing idea, no longer would I just do it and take the flack. it is nearly 40 years since I stopped wearing earrings and she knows it so I will leave the idea stewing. baby steps to a comfortable balance. We need to keep communicating.
Caroline xxx
I don't think we need to worry about you being reckless in pursuit of realizing your true self, as long as you don't feel it is something you have to hide from your wife. That is where the real danger lies, because living in secrecy fosters compulsive behavior. That is why it is so important for you stop allowing your wife to control this aspect of your life, and take full charge of it yourself. Quite naturally she doesn't like it, so as long as she feels like she is in control of it, she will never allow you any more than what she feels is absolutely necessary to keep you where she wants you. Unless you are willing to cut the strings, and stand up on your own, you will forever be her sad little marionette.
ReplyDeleteMelissa XX
Leslie, I think your guilt is only natural, but the situation is just so complicated that its hard to really lay blame on anyone in particular.
ReplyDeleteIf a typical heterosexual male wanted to pick his own clothes, go out to a restaurant with the guys, and hang out at Joe's house for a while, it wouldn't be a big deal. In fact, people would consider a spouse irrational if they refused their partner such an innocent outing.
The only thing that distinguishes your situation is the gender aspect of it. You visited friends, and had a dinner at a quiet, near empty restaurant, while sitting in a crowd of nearly a dozen, with customers at only one other table. Beyond that, you were presenting so differently, that even at close distances, it is highly unlikely anyone would recognize you.
So, no promiscuity, and ridiculously low odds of discovery. Someone could say that however small the risk of discovery, taking chances on being spotted and potentially altering the life of your family is selfish. You have to look at this in logical terms though.
Every time you roll your car out onto the street, you are taking some measurable risk of facing a life altering, or ending, automobile accident. it is probably higher odds than your being discovered last night. So if those odds are too high, perhaps we are all being selfish every time we get in the car to buy food we crave, or visit a friend, or anything. :P
Ok, that was a somewhat odd way to make that point, but you get the idea!
I'm not saying your lie of omission was the right thing to do, but is it right of her to demand such specific control? You are two people, who love each other, but who's needs are now at odds. Things that are a bit regrettable are bound two happen on both sides.
In the end, I think honestly is always the best policy. Sneaking around is not something you can do forever, and is not right. You both need some honest communication defining each other's tolerances and needs.
In the end, you will both have to decide how much you are willing to compromise, and hopefully there is enough middle ground that you can each be satisfied. If there is not, I think you are postponing the inevitable.
Hmmmmm, lots of good points and observations in the comments made.
ReplyDeleteOk, I was there. I saw a girl who was more happy than I've probably seen her before. As for the restaurant...the odds of being outed there where among the odds of winning the lottery. Leslie is one of the most intelligent people I have ever known. I trust her decisions without question. She is always cautious and factors in everything before acting. Me? Maybe not so much.
Everyone make choices and lives with the results. Stephen Covey says when we pick up one end of the stick..we also pick up the other end as well. Freewill is something we all possess at birth, and what we do with that freewill is up to us, each, individually.
Being trans isn't something we chose (who would choose that?), rather something we learn to live with the best way we can. Choices to make, a life to live, doing the best we can and trying to maintain a resemblance of sanity along the way.
Leslie, as you make your way on your journey, be strong, be wise and try to find happiness when you can. I'll always be your friend to lean on when you need me.
Love ya sis, <3 Tina
What a great bunch of comments!
ReplyDelete@ Melissa
Sad little marionette!?! Sheesh! You're right about the compulsive behavior. I still struggle with that, but the higher levle of acceptance I'm getting at home is helping me control myself.
@ Ms. Shandy
I was gonna use the old "doing anything is risky" excuse, but I thought I'd get crucified for it. Thanks for making it for me. I do agree.
@ Tina Jenson
I appreciate the first hand account of an eyewitness being in here. And, as ever, you have brought a great quote with you. I will definitely use the stick metaphor, perhaps to whack some thick heads. Love ya right back.
My comments were never meant to be a stoning and if taken as such I truly apologize. For the record I am trans, I do have a wife, and I did come really close to chucking it all to live the rest of my life as a woman, as who I thought I should be. Also I am very passable in case some one wishes to tap into that, that’s usually a chunk of mud that some through, although those in the list are very sweet and supportive, but when a challenge arises to who they are, the claws can come out.
ReplyDeleteBack to the issues, I know the feeling you feel when you step into your fem self, from a biological sense it’s a high release of dopamine that cause you to feel warmth, pleasure, and security, it provides a feeling that many others cannot experience. I would imagine it originates somewhere in the sexual part of our brains, as many do not make it to the level we are as they get stuck in a fetish feedback mode. Its very similar to an addiction and the more its fed, and the more it experiences, them more it wants out all of the time. Your brain has rational and irrational sides, and when you carry things to extremes the irrational side gets to drive and it can really do well, and eventually the rational side can take back over, and will accept what is done, this is where the shame/doubt comes from.
You are bucking the system cause you do want to get caught, been there done that. You may carry this all the way through, you may go right up to the line and back down, and that is a decision you will have to make and experience. No amount of neurophysiology I provide will change how you feel. We do because we want the experience, and all of the feelings and rewards behind it.
My point was that you are pushing you limits more, your wife will no doubt push back. You will advance and she will have to decide to accept or not, I will bet she accepts. Her fear is that you will push forward more until you settle, which may or may not happen, which again is how you will feel with it all. In the end be careful, weigh your options, look at a loss/gain list, and move from there. Also do not let the online life dictate how you proceed, we will all push you forward and live through your experience, in the end it is you that deals with it in real life.
I would suggest you listen to a podcast called “Radio Lab”, it can provide you with some good knowledge of who you are as a human being, and why you do the things you do.
Just be careful….
Lovingly yours,
Anonymous
I know this was years go but... I have always been the type to deal with these things up front. I do not think that do some cross dressing things is a slippery slope. So i say dress til your heart is content, but be up front to your wife and deal with it then rather than also having to deal with trust issues afterwards.
ReplyDelete