I'm feeling much more serene than I was this time last week. There were a couple comments on my last entries that hit home. One was from Caroline, who said, "If there is love there should be dialogue." The other was contributed anonymously from the wife of a transgendered woman. In part, she said, "Treat her as you would want to be treated if it were her who was doing the transitioning." Yes, the Golden Rule.
While not a Christian, this is a tenet I think about frequently. I like to think that I live by it for the most part. But seeing those words relating to whatever scorn I was heaping on my wife...well, it was an eye opener. My shrink has said many times that my wife and I are both incapable of seeing the other's position. Today, I am seeing my wife in a new light.
I'm feeling more forgiving of her. It makes me want to slow down and have a true conversation about our inner truths, and the externalization of mine. I'm finding that I understand the loss she has experienced, the fear of further loss. I'm not at all certain that I can mitigate that feeling in her, but being upfront about what's in my heart couldn't hurt.
I'm still not sure how I'll introduce the topic. I don't know if I can maintain my calm if she gets snippy or argumentative. Yet, I know deep down that I owe her more than I've given. She deserves a full accounting.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Sounds a very healthy attitude to take, I hope that you manage to pull it off.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean of the apprihension - I suffer from a similar problem when trying to broach the subject (in seriousness, oddly enough in passing comments it's fne) with my other half.
Good luck!
Getting a dialogue going is the hardest thing. We snipped away at the situation for DECADES so while my wife seemed to have a fairly good idea about my state of mind it was not until this time last year on the eve of my orchiectomy that we finally had the no holds bared but civilised conversation that we should have had so long before. I was foolish, we were foolish not to have done this thinking that everything would work it's self out.
ReplyDeleteI was stupid and took it to a life or death choice since my old life was so intolerable. That one conversation turned it all around and we are now both much happier and in tune for the first time in ages.
Learn from the suffering of a fool and find a way to talk.
Caroline xxx
Dialogue is a two way street. Respect for your wife's feelings is a good thing, but respect needs to be mutual, otherwise it becomes servitude. If that respect isn't mutual, then you should not feel guilty for resenting it. She will still need to find a way to accept that your needs have to be fulfilled, or you will remain in a constant miserable state of GID, which of course is unacceptable.
ReplyDeleteI fear for you in this, because it sounds like the old vicious circle you've been stuck in, i.e., your dysphoria, followed by wife's cool intransigence, followed by your resentment of her intransigence, followed by feeling guilty for being resentful, then eventual acquiescence to her, followed then of course by more dysphoria, intransigence, resentment, guilt, etc., and the wheel goes round and round, and nothing gets resolved.
I hope for both of you, that you can find an equitable way to break that wheel.
Melissa XX
It is a difficult path but one which is achievable with communication and acceptance by both.
ReplyDeleteI would encourage you not to give up on this relationship until you have communicated fully.
Like Caroline said, in her case after an honest talk things became easier.
Good luck.
x
Leslie, This enhanced level of communication you seek and desire is exactly what some of us have been advocating. We never meant that it had to cause a breakdown in you, but in many cases, it did for us. Lori has been preaching to us for a long time, about empathizing with the struggle spouses of TG's have. It's great you are beginning to appreciate her struggle...this takes true love...concern directed away from yourself and towards her.
ReplyDeleteI can only see good coming from such an interaction...at least in the long run. Soul searching, mind melding, true openness, and trust are so vital in our special relationships.
Best of luck girl...I predict improved levels of acceptance in your future. :)Suzi
Ok, I'm starting with a quote this time. "Seek first to understand, then to be understood" Stephen Covey. I believe you are at this place now. Melissa made some excellent points. Don't give away the store...you can't afford it. It is good to see you are seeing the other side as well.
ReplyDeleteIn another blog I left a comment which in part said.."Looking back, I found that I didn't want to be a guy OR a girl as society would define it. I just wanted to be me, however defined. To live authentically". Perhaps that is all any of us want, just to live as ourselves. Dysphoria, shmisphoria, forget being Trans, forget labels, but don't forget who YOU are.
So, as you enter into dialog with the wifey, instead of arguing for the plight of Leslie, stockings, shaved legs and whatever. Perhaps its best to argue for the right to exist as the person you are. The right of every human to exist as themselves. I really don't think you've stood in the way of her freedom to express this of herself. Asking and even expecting her to reciprocate this is not only fair, but entirely human.
Only my opinion honey, that and a buck won't even buy you a cup of tea. Wishing you the best on your journey sister.
Love and Godspeed to ya,
<3 Tina
My question is can you truly have an honest dialog? I know many times I never could with my spouse. The reason being is that she couldn't understand what I was feeling really deep down within the gender confines. I can say I have the ability to understand her point of view and maybe I could even go as far as understanding the why of it. I say all of this because the true decision of what we do is within ourselves on how we wish to proceed. Now I have said don't do this or do that, my opinions are based on the collateral damage that will ensue with those decisions. After the decision is made then be honest and forth right with your communication. Until then she will never fully understand how you feel or what makes you happy within the confines of your gender duality, she can't, as she has not grown up with it for her life. Many of us cannot grasp it or accept it, much less someone who hasn't had to deal with it their entire lives.
ReplyDeleteWhat your doing now is pushing to find a comfortable place to settle, she sees it as moving toward transitioning, and actually she probably sees it as choosing to not be with her, and to dissolve what relationship you do have. Plus you should always be weary about what you communicate and how it may or may not be used against you in the future. She wants a decision, you want to be happy, and shades of gray are not acceptable. That's what I live with in my day to day life, my spouse feels its all about appearance and how others see your family unit. Hopefully your spouse has someone to talk with and share her feelings, although all of my spouses counselors told her to accept the inevitable and divorce now. This is where I made my decisions from, if I see myself as transitioning eventually, then better now than later. If I don't see myself transitioning, then pack up the camp site and accept the rules for what they are, and come to peace with it. Happiness is a relative frame of mind and you may need to be happy with other things in your life than your gender. There are many things we don't like about ourselves change some of them first, and those you can't accept them for what they are.
B
Really thoughtful comments, so I won't add anything other than to say that Melissa is spot-on.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, Leslie.
Calie xxx