After my crisis of conscience Sunday night, I was feeling better Monday. Tuesday started off fine as well. Before heading off to work, I went to see if I might commandeer the computer for a minute to check my email.
Me: Oh, yeah. I have therapy tomorrow.
She: (short pause) There's just never a good time to talk about unpleasant things.
Me: Ummm...
She: So, are you planning to keep your legs shaved all winter again? I really don't like it.
Me: Well, I didn't like the eight months I left them hairy for you.
As euphoric as I felt Saturday night, that's how pissed and unhappy I was this evening at work. I've gone over and over the trajectory of the past two years. It isn't improving. The details change, but the play always ends the same way. I don't know if I have some victim pathology or martyr complex or what. Bend but don't break, and I'm surprisingly flexible.
I'm very glad that I have therapy Wednesday afternoon. I need to make some decisions.
At work tonight, I just kept thinking that I need to figure out my escape plan. I need a plan to get our finances back in order, tie up the loose ends, and just fucking go. I can't stand my little scraps of happiness being crushed. I just want to be myself for a couple months. I just want to be able to talk openly without the internal editor biting my tongue. I'd like to be able to share my feelings without them being twisted into a debasement of my marriage. Would it kill her to give me a small vacation from my brilliant disguise?
I read blogs where transwomen have worked things out with their wives. I read blogs where they divorce but remain close. I read blogs where the marriages go down in flames. I don't know what I expected from mine. As pessimistic as I am (and I am), I keep finding some hope to hang onto, and I keep getting beaten over the head with it.
If I didn't love her, I wouldn't have taken this for so long. If she didn't love me, she'd have left long ago. But I'm very tired of feeling that it's my fault. I'm tired of feeling like a warped screwup. I'm tired of feeling...tired.
I'm running out of reasons to stay.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Leslie, I've been reading your almost daily postings, but not commenting. Everyone is rooting for you and your ache for freedom. I just don't think your wife understands yet, just how important "Leslie" is to your life. She doesn't believe it's anything more than some anomaly, some quirk, or some strange choice. Until she does, there is absolutely NO hope for acceptance.
ReplyDeleteWhen I came to understand my transgenderism, my wife was already somewhat accepting of my dressing. However, I soon realized she did not fully comprehend how deep in my soul "Suzanne" was embedded. It finally came down to a "make it or break it" confrontation. I broke down to the point that she no longer doubted my real identity.
I'm not saying the same will happen for you, but I am saying that she just doesn't get it...yet. Until you remove all doubt, she will continue to ratchet down the come-along attached to the reins, the bridle, and the bit. Believe me, I know how much you hate to confront her. I can tell you love her and you've done so much to appease her. It's not working...break out the jackhammer and open up some closed hearts or you will be writing this same type of blog forever. I have seen how painful that has been for you so far. It will be painful to change the process but at least the butterfly will begin to escape the cocoon instead of slowly dying inside it. Best wishes dear. Hugs, Suzi
The fact that you left your legs hairy for her at all is amazing in my book. I have been able to compromise with some things but lately not as much. I hope that whatever decisions you make or whatever happens with your marriage, that you are able to be happy with those choices.
ReplyDeleteBut I can understand how you must've felt when she said that "are you really going to shave your legs???" .... um yah!! Sounds like something my wife would say hehe
Honestly Leslie, her query seems fair to me. She has a way she wants things and she made her opinion known, but it seems like the conversation stopped far short of insistence. However, I expect that she tried to make the conversation demeaning and insulting for you, while trivializing your situation. That makes the tactics incredibly unfair.
ReplyDeleteYou stuck to your guns and didn't imply that you were going to stop for her. I think that is what you needed to do. You kept control of your own decisions. Time will tell how things play out in the future, but its safe too assume that she is going to try to assert control of you at points, and probably by hurtful means sometimes.
I would think that the best course of action for you is to remember that you are capable of being a strong independant person. She has only has much sway over your decisions as you give her. It is good to be thoughtful and considerate of those around you, especially a spouse, but you must remain your own person. She has no right to dictate every answer.
What you are doing right now is showing signs of resistance after allowing someone to control your life for years. A restructuring of that arrangement is bound to cause some growing pains.
If you think she is on the verge of letting this break you up, you definitely have major decisions to make. Otherwise, I would say stay your course and show her a bit of spine.
I agree with Ms. Shandy completely. Her comment is perhaps the wisest, most sensible thing I've seen written on the subject in quite some time.
ReplyDeleteLeslie, your friends (and mine) are all giving you sound advice. Suzi's resonated with me. It took a complete (momentary) breakdown for my wife to finally realize just who and what I am.
ReplyDeleteI commented on someone's blog, yesterday, (yours?) that only someone who is trans can truly understand someone who is trans. That means that she will never truly understand you and you need to face up to that. But, understanding and acceptance are two separate issues. You need to work on the latter. Whether it is showing your spine or curling up in a ball and crying uncontrollably, as I did, is your call.
Private email coming your way, girlfriend.
Calie xxx
Hmmm...I just have to say, emotional breakdowns happen, but planning to have one as a way to convey some important point? That's not a breakdown...it's blackmail.
ReplyDeleteDo you remember that blog I wrote, the one you all said was so awesome? Do you remember the parts about trying not to mix tears or threats of suicide with moments like these? These moments are hard for any wife - their identity as as wrapped up in you not being trans as yours is in being it - and they need support as much as you do, if not more so. Sometimes you can't help the emotionality of it all - trust me, I know - but let's not sit here and figure out how to trump our spouses' every move.
I agree with Callie and Suzi that some very honest and open exposure of your emotions would go a long way. Also I agree with Renee that you can't really fake something like that. It just has to happen. Faking would indeed be emotional blackmail, which is a form of emotional warfare. Both of you have played on that level before and really, no one wins.
ReplyDeleteSo, I think... stand up for yourself. Don't be ashamed of your emotions, and be willing to let her see what is happening in your heart.
If you keep up this stoic stance, I'm afraid a time is coming when you will not have to worry about FAKING a breakdown.
Blogging is therapeutic, but if her position is this upsetting and frustrating for you, she really needs to know where you are at emotionally.
It is hard to open up to someone who you know will try to trivialize your concerns and not take you seriously. I'll never forget the first time I got backed into a corner so far that I ended up crying to dad that my dream is to be accepted and respected as a woman, eventually marry and hopefully some day adopt. The hardest part: vocalizing the core fact of my argument. "I am a woman!" Looking someone who did not believe me straight in the eye, I said it, with all the strength, determination and defiance I could muster. I know I said it with fire in my eyes through the tears, but despite my defiant tone, deep down, I was opening up in a very vulnerable way. My heart was on my sleeve-the full scope of my implausible hopes and dreams laid bare.
Not what you need to say obviously, but the point is that whatever you feel you need, you need to express that. If you are at the end of your rope, then she really needs to know it. I use the word a lot in my comments on your blog, and here we go again! ~*~*Communication*~*~ biatch! :P
Err, and spine. Err... Commication, spine, and sincerity. Yeh!
Leslie, I'm glad to hear you have a therapy session today. You sound like you need it. I wish your wife could go to therapy with you, to help you two sort this thing out, because it's not going to go away.
ReplyDeleteAs I'm sure you already know, I wholeheartedly agree with the others, who say you have to stand up for yourself and be more assertive. I don't think you necessarily need to deep six your marriage at this point. Obviously you love her, and as you have said, she loves you, but you need to let your her know in no uncertain terms, that you do not intend to keep putting up with the status quo. I know the word ultimatum scares people, but somethings gotta give on this situation, and you can't be expected to be the one, who does all of the giving.
Calie is right. We can't expect understanding, but we can expect acceptance, especially from the people who are supposed to love us. There is another word for acceptance. Aretha Franklin called it r-e-s-p-e-c-t.
A warm hug to your, girl. I really do hope you two can work things out.
Melissa XXOO
Renee, what happened to me was not planned. It was a spontaneous, emotional collapse; something I have never blogged about. One of the low points of my life. Very personal to me and I deeply resent the insinuation that this could be a staged event. Only an actress can fake emotion. How dare you even suggest that my emotional breakdown was contrived or that I am suggesting that Leslie fake it.
ReplyDeletePerhaps my comment was phrased incorrectly, but what I was trying to say is that emotion will most likely eventually settle this. It might be the "spine"...perhaps a screaming session, or the "emotional collapse".
@ Calie (and everyone else)
ReplyDeleteThis is getting stupid. I can see how it got this far because my comment isn't very precise (I was already late for work when I sat down to type it), but I never said anyone "faked" anything, or that Leslie was being advised to "fake" an emotional breakdown. Indeed, I qualified my statements by saying "emotional breakdowns happen" and "sometimes you can't help the emotionality". I didn't use the word "fake" at all and indeed, living closeted is such an emotional rollercoaster, the only thing you're probably ever faking is an outer calm.
So there, now that I've addressed the distracting hyperbole, let's talk about what was said.
You said "acceptance" might be obtained through either of two ways: "...showing your spine or curling up in a ball and crying uncontrollably..."
And I responded by saying that planning an emotional breakdown was tantamount to emotional blackmail. I may or may not be wrong about it being blackmail (I'm pretty sure I'm not, though), but sitting here on this blog telling Leslie that one of the best things she can do right now is to curl up in a ball and cry uncontrollably in front of her wife...it does seem like you're suggesting it as a viable plan. And Suzi's comment read the same way to me.
So maybe you misspoke or didn't communicate clearly, or maybe you actually meant it...I don't know. I know how it reads and I know these blogs have an audience outside the trans-community, and the image we portray frightens me a little bit. In one of your blogs we had people suggesting you set up "accidental meetings" between your wife and a trans-friend. Leslie's last two blogs dealt with crossing lines of privacy and trust...mostly to the enthusiastic encouragement of her commenters. And in this blog we're discussing how to eke understanding and acceptance from Leslie's wife without considering that maybe she understands as much as she needs to and has decided to not accept it...which admittedly would suck for Leslie, but is nonetheless valid. And so I come here to provide a different perspective partially because I think it's valuable to the blog-owner, but also because this is a public space and this is my community too and I care that non-members who may be reading (especially spouses) don't perceive us a monolithic entity so trapped by our own feelings that we can't empathize with anyone else.
Oh please, Renee! Climb down off your high horse! I read Calie's post, and in no way did she imply that Leslie should plan an emotional breakdown, as a blackmail tactic in confronting her wife. How in the world you could possibly have read that into her comments is beyond me, but I have noticed a pattern in your replies, and reading a hidden negative meaning into people's posts, seems to be a penchant of yours. This is especially so, whenever a female spouse receives the slightest criticism. Your perspective appears to be one of extreme male guilt, as if all natural born females are goddesses, beyond reproach, and all male born humans, even those unfortunate enough to be born TG, are privileged ingrates. What utter nonsense! Perhaps it is your perspective that is skewed, and not the person, who's post you are reading.
ReplyDeleteMelissa
You know...as the wife of a Transgendered woman...I feel that understanding can lead to acceptance, and they don't necessarily have to be kept apart from each other. And it doesn't take a "showing of the spine or curling up into a ball and crying" in order to help your wife come to that understanding. Treat her as you would want to be treated if it were her who was doing the transitioning.
ReplyDelete@ Melissa
ReplyDeleteLook, I'm going to try to be as balanced as I can about this.
For starters, you do what so many others, when confronted with someone you disagree with, do: Play the "male" card. Note that I've never done that to you or anyone, anywhere. That's because I respect your identity no matter how much I don't agree with what you say. Some things need to be off-limits in discourse between ourselves; as much as we hate that others politicize our identities, thereby affording themselves the right to debate and discuss our personhood with or without our participation, we validate the practice when we do it within our own group. Opinions don't have genders; resorting to the kind of debasement you do here is simply shameful.
Also, women - trans or not - aren't goddesses and aren't beyond reproach. But the behavior of non-trans women isn't the topic of conversation here; at best the behavior of Leslie's spouse might be considered on the table, but she gets persecuted blog after blog after blog (with you being one of the main instigators). She's done nothing wrong and is entitled to her feelings and a bunch of us camping out on the internet spewing vitriol about her is more than just a little mean.
It's true, when I comment, it's usually to raise a point of contention. And perhaps I do over-react sometimes...I'll state as much again right now: This post got out-of-hand. But exactly when was the first time you think I incorrectly deduced a "hidden negative meaning" in something someone said. Was it the time you suggested Leslie's wife might be intellectually inferior and that she needed to be struck by lightning on the road to Damascus? Maybe it was the time I advised Leslie not to wear her wife's clothes, or because I wasn't super-enthusiastic about her violating the public-outing agreement they seem to have? Maybe it was the time I called a trans woman out for making sneering remarks about homosexuality being a "choice", or the time I publicly confronted a different trans woman for saying polyamorists were fundamentally incapable of love? Or maybe it was all the other times I spoke up for all the voiceless people we've trampled in our blogs? If that's being on a high-horse...well, so be it. There's just one of me...I think you can handle it.
@ Renee
ReplyDeleteRe:"Hmmm...I just have to say, emotional breakdowns happen, but planning to have one as a way to convey some important point? That's not a breakdown...it's blackmail."
Quit rationalizing, Renee. Your admission that emotional breakdowns happen notwithstanding, that statement is clearly an implication that Calie was suggesting emotional blackmail. And please don't accuse me of playing the male card. You yourself have played it time and time again in reverse. I am a feminist, but I'm not a irrational radical feminist, who thinks all natural born females are victims, and anyone born male is privileged. No gender has a monopoly on virtue. All of us are capable of both good and evil, charity and selfishness.
No one is asking Leslie's wife to understand what we ourselves don't even understand, nor is anyone saying that this isn't hard for her, but the expectation of acceptance (read that as respect) in the face of an unyielding reality, is not out of the question. In fact, if their marriage is to endure, then she will have to accept it, like it or not.
Melissa
@ Melissa
ReplyDeleteAnd please don't accuse me of playing the male card. You yourself have played it time and time again in reverse.
You're going to have to prove that statement. I daresay it'll be hard...I have a fundamental opposition to exactly what you're accusing me of (which you don't seem to have any problem with). The very closest thing you could possibly even link me to would be the statement in my "Pillars Can't Falter" blog where I suggest that sometimes male privilege gets in the way of us seeing our wives point of view, but I don't state that as a unilateral truth, nor do I think of that as a controversial point...until that point in our transitions that we are no longer seen as male, we still benefit from male privilege. That's not anyone's fault; it's the birthright of being born male, and it's not something that is taken so much as afforded by society based on how it perceives the individual. So if you think I'm treating you like a man, that's you projecting and has nothing to do with anything I've said.
Your admission that emotional breakdowns happen notwithstanding, that statement is clearly an implication that Calie was suggesting emotional blackmail.
Again, you're not reading closely enough. I never retracted my statement about what was being suggested. I clarified that I never accused Calie of staging or faking a breakdown. Nor have I accused anyone of suggesting faking an emotional outburst. But once people on this blog started talking about how an emotional breakdown might be a good way for Leslie to help her wife understand her issues, I feel like it entered the realm of calculation. And to be sure, while I realize emotional outbursts are hard to control, you usually have a choice of sparing a loved one from seeing the tears or not. If you choose not to...well yes, it may very well convey the depth of your pain, but it also makes it difficult for her to express her feelings because now she has to be there for you. Well, maybe she doesn't have to, but if she loves you she probably will be.
And to be honest, this is all pretty pointless. The success of a marriage through the coming out and transition period probably has less to do with how any individual moment is handled than the personalities and mindsets of the individuals involved. This small, mostly hypothetical scenario became something cyclopean and untenable...an argument about the morality of the smallest of choices that devolved into name-calling and incivility. My initial words weren't chosen carefully, but I'm content to let the body of my writing stand on its own for this subject. Individual readers can judge for themselves the rightness and wrongness of it all.
I think I'm growing tired of reading how our cis women spouses need to put up or shut up concerning our transition. It's an approach that reeks of impatience and a lack of empathy for someone grieving in their own way. Would you tell your mother to "get over it" now that dad's been taken from her life? Would you expect your kids to so easily move into a new world of a life without their father? In the same way, I understand how painful this is for Leslie while knowing how her wife's world has been turned upside down because of this. There is no place for fault, only opportunity to either grow through the changes together, or separated if that's the only option.
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I hold on, barely sometimes, now that I've completed such a major part of my transition. Suzi, Renee, and many others here know how far my own wife has come towards acceptance. But it didn't come without denial, anger and grief first.
Leslie has every right to vent here about her feelings. It's healthy and necessary for her to regain her center where she can once again cope with her own wife's acceptance, or lack thereof.
We need to stop making this about privilege and have compassion for both parties here.
Cat fight!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad Lori was here to break it up while I was at work. The things I miss earning a paycheck...
Okay, here goes. I routinely criticize my wife in this space. Despite that fact, I love her a lot. I say things here that are in my heart that I frequently can't bear to say to her face. Fair to her? Absolutely not. I don't pretend to be unbiased. It's a blog, not a newspaper. It's my space to share my joy or revel in my own self-pity.
Respect for my wife's feelings is precisely why I am in this predicament. It would be much easier emotionally to pick up and go, mourn the relationship, and start anew. Instead, I continue to take my lumps and try to figure a way to make this work. I often feel that I'm banging my heart against some mad bugger's wall.
So you kids cool it and simmer down! Can't we all just get along?
Loved LOVED the "mad bugger's wall" comment, you Floydian!
ReplyDelete@ Leslie
ReplyDeleteTake care, sweetie. Those mad bugger's walls are insidious. The bricks seem to go up slowly, but before you even realize it, they can have you completely sealed in your own private prison.
Melissa XX
Damn it, how come I miss all the good brawls, my fight-dar must be on the fritz yet again. Hope you are doing ok and know that my boney shoulders are always here if you need them.
ReplyDeleteSo to save time and summarize, Renee "blah blah blah blah blah blah," seems to be all you hear if hear an opinion different from your own. It has become as tiring as the paranoia tendencies of a crack addict (notice that I did not say you were showing paranoid tendencies because I know you love magnifying the technicalities instead of the meanings). The world is not out to get us because there are much bigger fish out there for their plates and the fear of fishhooks can be taken to the therapists office instead of trying to drive them into the backs of the people offering support for poor Leslie in her emotional clothier's wringer (which is as old fashioned as your viewpoints).
- Shinigami Liz, half-demoness & half feeling like I have said all of this before