"It doesn't matter to you. It matters to me."
"So Cruel" U2
The progress was an illusion. I thought that tolerance was the new watchword, that inroads had been made. Nope. Nothing much has changed.
The missus was up when I came in from work, 1:30am Friday (well, technically Saturday). This is never a good sign. Just like last week on our walk, it was clear that talking was the primary motivator for the unusual behavior. She wore me down with minutiae about her struggles with the school district, me patiently listening, and thinking that I want to be winding down now, not tensed up.
After roughly an hour, the other shoe finally dropped. What did your counselor say about your dysphoria? Should I be expecting anything shocking? ("Anything shocking" is her euphemism for shaving my legs.) Um...I don't think so. (Backpedalling already. Grow a spine, Leslie!) Well, your expression when you say that tells me that you're holding something back. I don't know.
You get the gist. I wasn't prepared for a talk, and it showed. She proceeded to share with me that she's noticed that I'm doing a lot of things that she hates. She's kept silent about them, but she sees them and thinks I'm taking huge risks. For instance, keeping my toenails polished with an almost clear color might be questioned by the kids. She didn't go into the rest of her mental list, but I got the idea that it was extensive.
This was all discussed very quietly in even tones. She was proud not to have brought these things up for so long, to allow me my space. There is so much I need to say about that.
I thought that she was starting to get it. I knew she was seeing things, like an eyelash curler out on the bathroom sink, or the toenail polish, or the pantyhose hanging on the back of the bathroom door. I figured her silence meant that she was coming to grips with the accoutrements of my sartorial quirks. I saw the middle ground, so long sought, coming into focus. We could learn to live with this. Alas, no. She still hates all of it. Her words. Calmly spoken, but hers.
I have had the rug pulled out from under me. I don't know if we can make this work. If she will not come to understand that this need of mine won't be cured by changing or upping an anti-depressant (yes, she strongly advocated this), there may not be much future for us. If every aspect of my feminine self seems weird and unnatural to her, if I have to climb back into the box, I cannot stay for long. If I have to suppress this thing in me, it will begin to ooze out in the worst possible ways, perhaps costing me my job or my family. I've seen it overtake me before, and I was lucky to get past it with only marital discord and weight loss.
If she hates the Leslie in me, doesn't she just hate me?
What really bothers me is that I have been a markedly better husband the last year. I have taken a greater, more active interest in my family. I've done much better on gifting occasions, giving with more thought and less hurry. I have been demonstrably affectionate with her, in ways that I have never been, and I meant it. She was being less hostile about my inner female, and didn't mean it. Not a great trade. Give more, get nothing but false hope.
This will all have to be addressed, of course. I'm much too raw to attempt it now. Now, I'm just unburdening my heart here. Thanks for listening.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
So sorry Leslie, that was a cruel trick to catch you when you were low and tell you that she had been dishonest with you. She has clearly completely failed to understand just how important this is for us and that it is not our choice to have to deal with it just say it would not be a choice to have to deal with a heart problem or cancer if she had it! She would hardly be impressed if you treated her then as she is treating you now. I like the suggestion made by someone that grooming is a personal choice so tell her that from now on all he grooming choices have to be approved by you before implementation!
ReplyDeleteThis cold war phase is a very poor turn especially as we enter the time of year when nobody would know that you had declared war on body hair!
Not the best advice in the world, but Melissa will be along any moment now with much better suggestions!
Wish you luck.
Caroline XX
Oh God, Leslie! My heart is absolutely breaking for you! When, oh when are you going to stand up to to her? My God sweetie, she is your wife, not your mistress! If she can't come to grips with your GID, and fully support you, then you both have some serious issues to discuss with your therapist. Sorry to lay it on the line like that, but I do care so much about you!
ReplyDeleteMelissa XX
Perhaps my dear now would be a good time to find a neutral counsellor. Someone who the other does not suspect (right out of the gates in any event) of having a bias.
ReplyDeleteYes, there is expense involved in the effort, but all paths open to you just now involve massive expenses. On the one hand, the expense of not expressing, and on the other, the expense of a house divided.
It seems as though the Missus believes that her path does not incur costs, or that she will somehow not feel their weight. She needs help coming to a better realization. Certainly providing that help is within your gift, and a required part of your covenants of marriage.
You cannot be wrong always or forever, and there are limits of course, limits you are fairly close to. Talk therapy with no baggage in the counsellors chair might break down barriers if not to acceptance, than at least to pulling the wifely head out of the sand...
supportively, hopefully yours...
Leslie, I feel absolutely horrible for you. I'm sorry this is happening...again.
ReplyDeleteTruth is, you could be the best, most affectionate husband in the world, and this would likely still be a dealbreaker for her. People want what they want. Still, her increased tolerance, reluctant though it may have been, seems more a testament to her affection for you than any kind of spite or venom. Sacrifice is a measure of love, and it wouldn't be a sacrifice if she was entirely happy about it all.
The question is whether you're both better off making all of these sacrifices. Only the two of you know how happy or unhappy these things make you. No one is right or wrong here. But I don't really think she hates you.
Marriage counseling might be an option. Such counselors are trained to help couples negotiate compromises. You'd both have to be willing, and there are no guarantees or magical solutions, but right now the two of you (and your independent therapists) seem like ships in the night on this.
Finally, I don't think you should use the "I'd stick by you if it was cancer" defense. Identity issues and fatal diseases are apples and oranges. And I don't think it does you, or any transgendered person, or any loved ones of said transgendered persons, any good to think of it in the same way you would cancer.
Anyway, enough from me. Good luck...I'm sending good vibes your way.
Show her this blog you've written, and let her know that this 'birth defect' is not going to go away, you medicated or not.
ReplyDeleteMe being someone who never let things drag on, I'd push all my chips in the pot and see if she was willing to still play the game or fold. (I know, not a game, much is at stake) Being transgender is a definate, if she can't understand that, no amount of time will change her mind. Sorry this so blunt, I'm a bit dysphoric today.
Hugs,
Stephanie
Oh dear, there is so much I want to say but am afraid to say it. You're already in a vulnerable place, and the last thing I want to do is sound judgmental or harsh.
ReplyDeleteThe answer awaits you both, but it's there on the other side of this. There is more pain to endure, more heartache, and more to understand for the both of you. Though I know you and are different in our primary transition needs, the issues with the spouses (or is plural "spice?" - kidding) remain the same.
They will always love you, but this was a deal they never signed up for. The shock to their safe, comfortable world is indescribable, even with your efforts to be the better husband over the course of the year. I'm with the others about her getting and finding some support, a counselor or anyone who she can vent to. At the same time, it's important that you have the space and freedom in the relationship to be able to speak honestly about your feelings. This whole dysphoria thing is so high, so wide, and so low, you must go through the door (sorry, sounds like "Rocka my soul in the bosom of Abraham.")
I'm rambling and probably sound incoherent. I apologize. I think you know I truly empathize with your struggles. It ain't over yet, but I believe your perseverance will bring you through a place you need to be in your life. I truly wish there was another way.
Hugs,
Lori
I beg to differ with Renee on the life threatening illness/identity disorder issue. They most certainly are analogical. How many tortured souls have taken their own lives, because they were in deep despair over their GID?
ReplyDeleteThere has been enough information on transsexualism in the media over the last two decades, that anyone claiming ignorance of the subject
is defying credulity. Anyone, who hasn't spent the last twenty years under tub, knows that we do not choose this, and that no matter how hard we try to fight it, we cannot defeat it.
I see this as a character issue. It is perfectly understandable that one's spouse may not be able to handle being married to someone they have found out is TG, but that does not give them an excuse to inflict further pain on their mate, by insisting that they endure GID hell, just to keep them comfortable. When people marry, they vow to support each other. It may well be that gender issues, will mark the end of a marriage, but that is no reason to withdraw loving support for the person who after all, dedicated their life to loving you. If living with a TG spouse is too uncomfortable for you, then separate, but continue to love, respect, and offer your full and unequivocal support to them. As far as I'm concerned, anything less, shows a lack of character.
Melissa
@ Melissa
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but this isn't right.
Being transgender is a struggle, and it can involve severe depression. But it's not like cancer. The struggles are different. Subscribing to this idea suggests an endemic sort of victim pathology all too common in our community.
Not surprisingly, I'm not a fan of the suicide argument either. Yes, the suicide rate is higher among transgender people, but it's not a death sentence or anything even close. Furthermore, playing the suicide card every time someone suggests that perhaps your transgender issues are also an issue for them is classic denial and minimization. It's saying "my feelings are more important than yours because I was going to kill myself", which trumps every possible feeling a person could have that doesn't line up with how you think they should feel. It's classic denial and minimization, and it's a tactic used by abusers, not by people who love each other.
I could go on, but I already wrote about this at length at my own blog. The bottom line is that spouses identities are usually too tightly wound around each other for either to be able to give the kind of support the other needs.
My post about spouses and support.
@ Melissa & Renee: Awright, ladies, break it up! I'm not worth fighting over!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, Melissa, Renee is right. I don't want to compare GID to cancer. If I HAD to compare it, I'd use something congenital like autism, but I wouldn't go there either. I yam what I yam.
That said, I love you both for your passion and your intellect. Thanks for the input! Renee's linked piece is good reading for anyone in a TG-tinged relationship.
Carry on, sisters.
I read this a bit late in the game, but I'll second (or third, fourth or fifth) the notion that marriage counseling is an excellent idea. Hopefully you won't get a therapist who looks at you like you have two heads when you tell her who you really are. I know, very unprofessional... but they are out there!
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best of luck with your wife. The situation you're in is definitely a complicated one. I wish for wisdom and clear-headedness to prevail, from both of you. :)
Leslie, I'm so sorry that I'm writing this late. Somehow this was not showing on my reading list and I only found out when Sylvia made me aware of it today.
ReplyDeleteReading this, I am trying to understand what her intentions were, opening up lines of communication, even endorsing you as far as lending jewelry. I doubt she was trying to mislead you, because there would be absolutely nothing to gain.
I think perhaps, she really was trying to become tolerant, and in the end, just could not come to terms with it. This is from the outside looking in, and looking in only through the glimpses contained in your blog. But really it is the only way I can make sense of it at all.
I think something, or some combination of things has convinced her she can't handle it and needs to take a firm stand.
As for where to go form here, I wish I had advice. You are both going through traumatic things. Being transgender and unable to express yourself is devastating. But marrying a man, only to find out later that perhaps you are actually married to a woman wouldnot be easy either. I feel for you both.
I think everyone involved is going to have to bend as far as they are willing, and hope its enough to make things work. Obviously though, she is a strong personality and is going to try to press you into most of the bending...if you let her.