Emotions, my emotions anyway, continue to puzzle me. I'm getting better at reading others, but I'm strangely disconnected from what I feel all too often.
I was just reading some comments and emails, and things just came together suddenly. Maybe this is what feminine intuition feels like. My epiphany is that I think the missus is going to go for "The Ultimatum" when leg shaving time comes around. Her recent behavior, shifting from seemingly tolerant to hates all of it, strikes me as a purposeful distancing from me. I suspect she's pulling away emotionally in preparation for a physical parting. No proof, mind you, but it feels like it's there nonetheless.
The subject of what she hates about my Leslieness has not come up again since our talk last week. She has been deeply involved in both her part-time job and her fight with the school system. I can't go into details, but she is broadening her attack into new and exciting areas. By which I mean, she's an ornery cuss with a big chip on her shoulder. Don't cross her, she'll make you sorry. I wonder how much of this stuff is her hostility toward my issues being directed at other targets. That only makes sense if I'm the center of the universe, I suppose. Not everything is about me.
It's just a sinking feeling that came on quite suddenly, but the pieces are there. I just don't know if I'm combining them with the right formula. Several explanations are possible and I've just latched onto the worst one. Paranoia will destroy ya, the Kinks sang. On the other hand, it allows me to prepare for the worst. Said like a true pessimist.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Well, I do love the title, but that is all I love about this post...
ReplyDeleteDon't get me wrong, girlfriend, but when I hear of trouble in a marriage, it somehow deeply affects me. I just hate to hear this stuff but I understand why you write it...believe me, I understand.
Many have told me that marriages do not break up just due to TG issues. The issues are a;ways deeper than that. A solid marriage should be able to adjust - both the TG and the SO - with compromise on both sides.
It is sounding, based on this post, like the issues are much deeper than just removing some hair from the legs as a way of expressing your femme side half a year.
My wife and I have had our blowups over my TG issues, but they always end up in kissing, hugging, and....well, you know. My issues go well beyond some hair on the legs. I don't think my wife would have an issue with it, since my compromise is to remain her husband and to be able to satisfy her in the manner she desired it to be at the time we formed our union.
Removing hair from the legs seems just so miniscule compared to removing the physical appearance and/or functionality of a particular appendage...and that is my compromise that I try to live with daily.
Trying to be gentle...
Calie xxx
The late talk show host, Tom Snyder used to say, "Just because you're paranoid, that doesn't mean that someone isn't really out to get you." lol
ReplyDeleteParanoia sucks, and all too often for transgendered people, paranoia can come from an inability to openly express your personal aesthetics and emotions. I'm with your therapist, Leslie. Do whatever you think is necessary to protect your mental health, and tell your wife, she can like it or lump it.
Melissa XX
I've been a card-carrying member of the Paranoia Club for as long as I can remember. The way things are going right now, I would be using bugs and hidden cameras if I could afford them! Then again, I know that it's my problem (well... sometimes, ha ha!), and that's a major invasion of someone's privacy.
ReplyDelete"Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst." This really smart woman said this to me recently. Maybe you know her. ;)
You really have a difficult wife to understand. She seems to jerk you one way then the other. She offers slack, then reels it all in and sets the hook. I don't know what to tell you. It seems you've given in to every whim of hers for so long, I often wonder how much longer you will be able to deal with it like you are. Good luck and keep trying. :)Suzi
ReplyDelete