This weekend's theme around T-Central seems to be whether crossdressers should be considered women or not. I'll not weigh in on that. I only know about myself. Well, I think I know, but I need to analyze it fully first. Come on! It'll be fun!
I've never really thought of myself as a woman. I just always hated being male. Resigned to it, but not at all happy with it. I remember consciously wishing to change at age six or seven, but I think it was there unconsciously even before that. The definition of dysphoria is dissatisfaction, which fits me very well.
I am dissatisfied with my gender role. Obviously! I bend to my wife's will far too much. Maybe you've noticed. Henpecked? Pussy whipped? Naturally submissive? Bingo! Give that girl a cherut! I am compliant, but compensate by being passive aggressive. These are not "manly" characteristics. In matters sexual, I rarely initiate. I get the male role by default when we're underway, but that doesn't stop me from fantasizing other, very different things.
The reality of my situation is that I am a crossdresser because that is the best option open to me. It would take only a small push, some status change in some area of my life, to send me over into some manner of transition. I have no problem picturing myself living full-time as a woman. I picture it a lot, to be frank.
I'm not in any hurry to trade in my bat and balls for a catcher's mitt. "Mr. Johnson" has served me well. We've had lots of great times together, in both solo and tandem acts. Yet, I wouldn't hesitate to say goodbye if an alternative appeared. I could have a great time with an innie instead of an outie. Hmm, that kind of ambivalence will never get me a letter for SRS, will it?
Deep down, I want to be a woman. That doesn't make me a woman. I suspect that I never will be. Still, I keep trying to make progress toward that lofty goal. Maybe that one next thing will be adequate to slake the thirst I have. Just a little further, and I can be satisfied, perhaps.
Phoric? Benephoric? Cisphoric? What's the opposite of dysphoric?
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
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ReplyDelete(Darn typos!)
ReplyDeleteLeslie, rest assured... wherever you fall on the gender spectrum, it's a unique color, and quite a beautiful one at that.
How about... dis-dysphoric?
One of the post ops at my last support group meeting joked, "Do you know what the difference is, between a crossdresser and a transsexual? About two years."
ReplyDeleteThe definition of what constitutes a man or a woman is so subjective. It certainly has nothing to do with what you have between your legs. Is a non-op, or a pre-op any less a woman, than a post-op? Some would say that even post-ops are not truly women. Rubbish!
I think, therefore I am, and if I think I'm a girl, then no superfluous appendages will ever make me a man. While we all want the validation of others, what really matters is what we ourselves think.
Leslie, I don't think of you as a crossdresser. I think of you as a pre-op, or non-op transsexual. Clearly, you would rather live your life as a woman. Most crossdressers have a fetish for the trappings of womanhood, but are generally content to remain men, act like men, and socialize as men, as long as they can have their occasional trips into feminine fantasy land. When the party is over, they are content to return to their lives as men.
Melissa XX
There is a clear lack of understanding between sex and gender. I won't go into that here, look up the definitions yourself, and you'll see that we're all (CD and TS'ers included) talking about the social construct of gender.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I'm happy living as a woman, being accepted as female, and having as much surgical and medical intervention I need to remove the incongruency between my brain and my body. I struggled for years whether I was CD or TS, now, there IS no struggle. I know who I am and that suits me fine.
You do have a way with words, girl. While I see your point, I did get a good laugh out of this one.
ReplyDeleteCalie xx
Leslie,
ReplyDeleteI totally understand every feeling you just described. The difference in my marriage is that my wife is even more submissive than I am. There are varying degrees of dominance among women, just like with men. It has to make you wonder why your wife married you...was it to have someone to control? Love is blind...or so I hear. My wife and I are more likely to have an argument over where to go out for dinner, than over a TG issue. Neither one of us want to decide...lol.
Your feelings are so very close to mine regarding being a man and a woman. I don't hate my male body, but I would so love to have a female one. In no way do I see you as a crossdresser. A true crossdresser would never consider giving up an outie for an innie. You want to be a woman. In my mind that sorta DOES make you a woman...though not physically. Like Melissa said, gender in not dictated by what's between your legs. If you weren't a woman inside, you wouldn't be so dysphoric and frustrated over the lack of opportunity to express who you really are.
There can be many walls to tear down in our personal TG journeys. Everyone faces different obstacles but we all seem to have the same goal and drive...to be the most complete woman we can be. Why? Because that's who we are inside. I believe that's who you are inside too. It's just that every time you tear down some little wall, a certain person builds it right back and adds a few courses of brick to the top...maybe throwing in a little more rebar or something along the way. A tough call at best...keep trying to walk around the walls, or blast through them with an M-1 tank? Hang in there. Suzi