I am so tired of writing about this issue, but no amount of writing makes it go away. You, dear reader, may well be tired of it too. Only your hairdresser knows for sure. Read on at your own peril.
Finally feeling better after my support group meeting. I didn't feel like gender dysphoria was crushing me. I thought I might have some relief for a few days.
Today, Labor Day, we had some family over for my boy's birthday. We had the kid party last week, this one a quiet one for adults. We started the day cleaning like piranhas on a cow carcass, but less gentle. We don't do a lot of hosting, mostly out of embarrassment. Cesspool would be a step up for us. Panic allowed us to make some real headway on the environs. We can keep social services away for another month now.
It was a pleasant gathering, unusually well organized and executed by us. Got everything put back in its place afterward. The missus said she'd like to take a walk tonight after the kids were in bed. Fine by me, I need the exercise and like the company.
We walked a couple miles, and talked at length. Why is your knee bothering you? Well, I wore heels for three hours Saturday night. You'll be sorry when you have to have laparoscopy. That kind of banter, nothing heavy. I welcome that.
Then she asked, finally, about my recent bout with dysphoria. I had mentioned it more than once in the previous week, but no conversation had resulted. She was ready now. She wondered if I had talked to my therapist about it, what she had to say. I haven't seen her since it got bad. I'll be going Thursday. Is this about you wanting to shave your legs like last fall? Well, I am thinking about it but it's not the only thing. You know, that really worked out well for you last year.
My heart sank. I thought maybe this year would be different. I've been thinking that I'd go with an epilator this time, so that stubble would be less of an issue for both of us. I guess it will be the least of the issues. Last year, after several blowups on the subject, I just decided to go for it and face the consequences. It was very nearly a dealbreaker. I was starting to consider apartments, and distancing myself emotionally from her. Of course, she found and read my blog at about that same time. A very ugly period.
We got through it. By Christmas, I was as happy as I've ever been at that time of year. She was muddling along. She made an attempt to continue being intimate, even though she wasn't enthusiastic. By March, my self imposed deadline to stop shaving, we had gone about six weeks without "relations". So, that happy slice of life is what she was referring to.
Here's the deal. I desperately want to be able to wear clothing that bares my (bare) legs to the world. It likely dates back to my childhood. My mother wore dresses and skirts five days a week. She worked for insurance companies, and in the 60's and 70's, that was the dress code. Hemlines, hosiery, and heels are my gold standard. Less than that feels like less than full expression of myself. The infrequency of my dressing makes the need for complete immersion all the more critical to me. Cold weather is my best chance for fulfillment.
Sadly, it appears that a middle ground, a more understanding compromise, is not forthcoming. It's a tribute to my naivete that I keep building up my hopes each time the tide comes in and destroys what I've put together.
I'm tired of having to write this piece. I should be past this by now. She should be past this by now. Didn't I keep my word that I'd grow it back last spring? Nope, not good enough. Let's go through the old meat grinder again this year and see if we can survive it again.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
So sorry to hear this since I have managed to get through this phase. Ironically when I met my wife I had very little body hair but over the years it increased oppressively, so it was not the body my wife fell for which she now wanted to preserve! Now she love the hairlessness, it was the smooth bits she always liked to stroke before! Not much help but shows how complicated it all is. I am no longer an object of desire, price to pay.
ReplyDeleteCaroline XX
Leslie Ann,
ReplyDeleteI hope you can resolve this issue. I just hate to see you suffer. A more assertive attitude on your part wouldn't hurt. After all, you are not a child, and your wife is not you mother. You have a right to be yourself. You may think you are protecting your marriage by suppressing your emotional needs, and acquiescing to your wife's desires, but at what cost? What good is a marriage where one partner, in a desperate attempt to placate the other, is left increasingly unhappy?
OK......I'm done playing marriage counselor. Now onto more important thngs.
Here are some things you should know about using an epilator:
#1 the first time you use one, it will HURT LIKE HELL. Might even produce a few tears. At that point, you will question your decision to use it, and your willingness to continue. (for me, the physical pain of ripping my hair out by the root, was outweighed by the emotional pain of being a hairy beast. I just had to suffer through it, no matter how much it hurt.) I am now very glad I did. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels, to have silky smooth skin, that's free of hair and stubble.
#2 It will hurt less, if you shave first, and then let the hair grow out to about 1/8 to 1/4 of an inch. it will still hurt like hot singeing hell, but not like unmitigated fiery, burning, roasting alive hell. LOL!
#3 The courser the hair, the more firmly it seems to be rooted. You may even draw a drop or two of blood, when epilating areas of course hair.
#4 Hair grows in cylcles. Just because you are free of hair today, that doesn't mean you will be free of hair a few days later. Until you get ahead of the growth cycle, new hairs will keep emerging on a frequent basis, and you will have to epilate several times a week. Eventually, that frequency will decrease to once every few weeks.
#5 Constant epilation will weaken the hair follicles, and the hair will become finer, and possibly stop growing altogether. After years of epilation, at leat 3/4 of the hair on my legs has been permanently eliminated. I have virtual no hair at all from my knees on down, and very sparse growth on my thighs.
#6 Although a minor one, ingrown hairs will be a problem, especially in the regions where the hair is coursest, like the lower abdomen, and upper thigh areas. It will help immensely if you use an exfoliating body wash like Caress, and vigorously scrub your skin with a loofa on a daily basis. This will have the added benefit of giving your skin a very silky feel and making it glow with reflected light. With continued use of the epilator, the hair will become finer, and ingrowns will become less of a problem.
#7 If you get an epilator, get a good one. Cheap ones are not as effective and they won't last. For around $100, you can get a two speed Emjoi Emagine, with two rotating heads of tweezers, that will allow you get the job done faster than one with a single head.
After years of epilating, I can't understand why anyone who doesn't absolutely have to, would put up with the nicks, irritation, and next day stubble of shaving.
Melissa XX
Back in the mid-90's, I shaved my legs for the first time, without notice to my girlfriend at the time. I was in the doghouse on and off, until it had grown back to almost as long (yuck) as it was before. We had to break up and then re-connect as friends for her to finally accept me for me. I'm very sorry that your wife is not understanding. I wish you the best of luck in your "negotiations."
ReplyDeleteLeslie, I am sorry to hear that, you have my support. I'm never tired of reading what you write, because it is a true expression of your feelings, don't ever feel guilty about that
ReplyDelete- Jessica
Your frustration is palpable. Only you can figure out how to get through to your wife though. She seems to have a more domineering personality than you do. I would say stick with any and all attempts to communicate your feelings and needs. She, obviously, is not that concerned with either...at least most of the time. I can remember a time, a year or so ago, when she was a lot more aggressively negative. Can you imagine walking with her and discussing your dysphoria a year ago? Some things have changed. I believe the changes have occurred because you have been patient and have built her trust in you and your love for her. Progress has been very slow and intermittent, but not non-existent. Keep building that trust and press the communication issues. How can she deny you that? When communication becomes impossible, then your actions will change more drastically. I hope you stick with the "program" and savor those opportunities you have to express yourself. Good luck hon. :)Suzi
ReplyDeleteI have very little new to offer, especially since Melissa beat me to all the good epilator points. She also makes the other point that was on the tip of my tongue the whole time I was reading. It might be time to start being a bit more assertive. She is trying to preempt your right to manage your on personal hygiene, and I have always thought thats too far.
ReplyDeleteIf this is a critical issue to you, and it seems to be, I think it might be good to consider explaining the importance of it, and taking control of your own body. I think I said this last year, but I think its just like a man trying to tell his wife how long her hair is "supposed" to be. Its just way over the line.