Standoff

"A very acidic tongue waggled in her head" --Squeeze--

I think we're approaching the end game now. Sunday night she handed me a seven-page note that said many unkind things. Passive-aggressive, selfish, untrustworthy. She is extremely pissed off, and is now talking openly about divorce. At this point, I'm not sure that's a bad thing.

A large part of her note was devoted to how I had violated our agreement, regarding no crossdressing in public. She thinks "it's a large, public change to your outward appearance." And her counselor agreed, so I guess she's found a kindred spirit. Unless I'm running around in a skirt or hot pants, I'm not sure how the public would be aware of my hair status. Perhaps she considers herself as part of the public. I thought of our marriage as a private relationship.

She asked me if I wanted to talk about what she had written, but I declined. I told her I'd rather write a response. And I was just as scathing. Maybe not the best decision I've made, but I had reached the snapping point. I wrote six pages about circumventing her "permission", about revisiting that dark place and opting to do something proactively, about all the years I didn't do the things I needed to do to feel whole and real. I argued that a feminist like herself should be able to understand me taking control of my own body. I burned the remaining bridges, or at least re-ignited the wreckage she left.

We are still sharing a bed, but it's very clear that I am not free to touch her. She's calm now, and talks nicely enough on everyday household things. But she said today, after her counseling session, that the two of us are definitely not on the same page. If I want to continue down this road, the marriage will be over.

I've finally crossed her invisible line now. I do not want to undo the hair, the nails, the eyebrows, the underdressing. She wants to deny me my humanity, and I think that is likely my invisible line.