Pretty Pity Party

The question that comes to mind tonight is simple on the surface. Can one be happy and stay in one's marriage? Of course, you say. Millions do it. But, my question is a little more specific. Can I be happy and stay in my maririage? That's trickier.

What brings this to front of my brain is my own fence straddling. My last blog entry got three comments. All said the same thing, in their own ways: Shave your legs already. The problem isn't going away, it's festering and becoming toxic. Your wife can't or won't understand how important this is to you and your mental well-being. Good advice that I should take to heart.

But there is so much water under the bridge in this marriage. I don't want to portray my wife as a monster, though I often do. My way of getting along with a very strong personality has been to disappear into the wallpaper, not call attention to myself. Like a good football defense, I bend without breaking. And I can sure bend. Some would say over backward. It's what I'm accustomed to doing, and the existence of a marriage after many fractious years is evidence that the strategy works. But keeping the marriage intact has been to my personal detriment, which is the bush that the comments keep beating around. Deep down, I know this. I'm living it, if you call this living.

I'm sitting in a corner. The only way out is to move forward, but I'm frozen in place. I'm safe here, though unhappy. Apparently safe is a higher priority than happy. And truthfully, I don't know that what I want will equal happiness. The lingering doubt is that it will only stir the pot, and make things even more unpleasant for me. I'm not to a point yet where I'm ready to risk it. But something's gotta give soon. I'm reaching a breaking point, I fear. Geez, I feel so alone tonight.