Minutae of a Marriage

The day began with my wife barely containing her tears. We had to take a car to the shop, and then ride back together. Very tense, almost no talking. We pulled into the driveway, and she asked if I have shaved my legs since the initial removal. I said that it had been a few days, but yes. She burst into tears and said that she guessed that her feelings don't matter. She drove off to her therapy appointment. Within a minute, the phone rang. "You remember that a year ago, you told me you didn't want to live in a sexless marriage?" "Yeah." "You realize that that is exactly the situation you created when you shaved your legs."

She returned from her appointment with more questions. Like, what did my therapist mean when she said that we both feel trapped? In the marriage or in your body? A little of both, I guess. I can't resolve my gender issues within the marriage, and I can't leave the marriage to resolve my gender conflict. She's not buying it. Her therapist gave her two names of couples counselors. And she suggested that along with the suggested list of wants, we should also create a list of "don't wants." We'll have a lot of ammo sitting next to two very short fuses, if we ever get as far as couples counseling.

Later, in the evening, we were watching A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving with the kids. We actually found ourselves having a pleasant discussion, with laughter and warm exchanges. Suddenly, I could see the woman I fell in love with. I don't know if it was reciprocal or not. But in that moment, I wanted to be sitting with her, or better yet, laying with her.

Obviously, I still have more internal conflict about this than I realized. Could she turn on a dime like that? I don't know. If I felt loved, including the Leslie part, I could endure for a long time. It's just that most of the time, I'm not feeling that I matter at all. Selfish? Maybe. But if you can't put your marriage at the top of the list in a crisis like this, what hope is there for the future?