Absent for long enough now, I think I've got something to write about at last.
I went to therapy today (that's always good for a few paragraphs!). I didn't think I had much to talk about going in. Things have been a bit distant at home, but there's no overt tension between us. Dysphoria has been creeping in, and the need to dress more fully and often has come with it. I've been walking around with lipstick and lip gloss in my pocket for weeks, and using them often. And now, I am feeling depression coming around for a visit.
This morning, before my session, I was thinking hard about subject matter to share. I asked myself a question that hadn't occurred to me before. If Mrs. Leslie came to me and said that she wanted a divorce, how would I react? The answer surprised me. I waver constantly on the divorce issue, but when presented in reverse, the answer was obvious. I would quietly agree to it while clicking my heels inside my head.
I have no clue what freedom looks like, but my heart is crying for it. There have been good times, but I have wanted out for so long. I am fine with splitting, but apparently I have a problem with initiating it. Have I mentioned before that I'm a bit submissive? Conflict averse? Mild as oatmeal? Yeah, I thought I had.
Deep down, I know what I want. What I lack is the courage and fortitude to pursue it. This gives me something to work on, I suppose. In the meantime, focusing on this has made me sadder as the day wore on.
I also mentioned to my therapist how little sleep I've been getting. It's not that I can't sleep, it's that I can't make myself go to bed. My whole Leslie life is in this corner on the computer, and I keep staying up later and later, not wanting to leave it, even for blessed sleep. I am a zombie much of the day, and it is reaching critical mass. My therapist told me that I won't last long without crashing and burning. She's right, but I'm not sure how to get a handle on it. This is my most alert time of day, as feeling alive gets the adrenaline and endorphins going. Then I daydream about napping at work. Something's gotta give.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
You have been making some very significant progress. God love you sweetie! Now don't go and think that just because I said that, that I'm some kind of religious nut. I'm not! Fact is I'm an gnostic, but when I say God love you, I mean the collective love of all of humanity.
ReplyDeleteYou have to decide what's best for you. It won't be easy, but it's your decision and yours alone. You are doing great! Whatever you decide is best for you, I'll be with you 100%!
Melissa XX
Leslie,
ReplyDeleteAs Melissa said this is something that you have to decide - but I'm sure you are going to get all the support possible here.
But... Please don't do a crash and burn. I did that through over working 10 years ago (I loved the job and put too way too much in) and am still suffering the aftermath today.
Get some sleep!
Stace
Leslie, I know exactly what you mean. I'm in the same position.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the process of transitioning and things have been difficult between my wife and I for a while. She knows about Jenny but not that I'm transitioning. I've already informed my sister and will be telling my parents next week.
I keep putting off telling my wife though. Initially it was because we have two weekends coming up where my wife, son and myself are away with other members of the family. I was going to wait until they were out of the way and then tell her. This week we found out that my son had won an award at school so I'm now thinking that I'll tell them after we've been to the awards presentation which will mean it will be July before I get around to telling her.
I know that some point after that we'll have to discuss a divorce.
My friends that know what I'm doing have told me, and I think it is good advice, its all my decisions, its not going to be easy but my friends will be there for me and my family. There is no rush either and things should be done when the time is right.
I'm sure that you will make the decision that is right for you when it is the right time.
In the meantime make sure that you are taking care of yourself and like Stace said get plenty of sleep.
Hi Leslie,
ReplyDeleteConfrontation is hard. The only thing that's ever gotten me through it is what I call the "band aid" metaphor, which goes something like this: Close your eyes and rip it off quickly. We do that with band aids because we believe a fleeting moment of intense pain is better than a long period of general malaise. And because the sooner we get the hurting over, the sooner the healing starts, which means living pain-free that much sooner.
So yeah, it sounds corny, but that's actually how I've approached every hard thing in life, ever since my undergrad days. I resign myself to whatever suffering I have to do at the moment - whether it is studying for a big test or taking those first steps into the world as myself - and focus instead on that (sometimes vague, but still real) moment in the future when the pain will be behind me and life will be good.
Not that I'm recommending you go to ripping band aids right and left this very moment, or even necessarily look upon this as advice at all. I'm just saying, for me, when the only factor holding me back was the pain I personally was going to experience, I was able to get by that by reminding myself that the hardship would only be temporary. The Persian poets were on to something when they said, "this too shall pass."
I waited countless decades thinking I had better keep my secret from everyone to make life easy. Now on my coming out tour I find that people would be more surprised if I declared that I did not like strawberries!
ReplyDeleteI wasted those decades and could have been me for all that time!
Marriage is a partnership, usually equal if it is going to work, it should not be a prison. Free the Leslie ONE.
Caroline xxx
Honey, I keep reading your post and it's bringing back everything again. Very dark days indeed.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm hearing from you is you don't want a divorce, rather you yearn for freedom. I'll bet it has little to do with clothes, shoes, lipstick, or shaving. It's more about freedom to be YOU, freedom to express, freedom to live your life. Am I right?
Instead of a standoff of who is gonna say the "D" word first, perhaps a proactive move on your part declaring the freedom that every human deserves. I'll bet she expresses herself as she wishes. Every bra burning inch of her expresses the person she is. True? The way it should be for her, but you deserve the same hon.
Divorce doesn't have to precede your rightful freedom. If divorce is a by product of that freedom, it will be her choice in that. If you could live free and remain married this madness would end and you could live a contented life. True?
Now get some rest and tomorrow stand up and be counted. :)
Peace, <3 Tina
Reading the comments as a late-comer, Tina has it. Divorce isn't the issue, Leslie, or at least her freedom, is.
ReplyDeleteThere was a time, after the Mother Of All Transgender Related Rows about a year ago, that I feared Mrs. J might leave me. She didn't.
Get some sleep. Remember, dreaming-as-girl is also girl time.
Leslie,
ReplyDeleteHow I wish I could pen paragraphs upon paragraphs to provide comforting words and encouragement from afar, quite as elegantly as some of the ladies that follow your blog.
All I can think of at the moment is what Tina has already stated. You need freedom to be you, whoever that may be.
Best wishes to you and Mrs. L.
Robin