I had therapy last week. I believe that I am now prepared to go the divorce route if it comes to that. I am fine with staying as well, but I guess I have an ultimatum if I need it. It all feels like emotional blackmail, even just speculating about it. Still, as a dedicated realist, I have visualized the worst case scenario and believe that I have what it takes to confront it. We have been kind of distant the last week, with one exception.
Saturday, Mrs. Leslie surprised me with a romantic candlelight dinner! Given our present tensions, I was not expecting such an effort. She made broccoli garlic fettucine with a nice salad, a Cafe Grande for me and a bottle of wine for her. And brownies! A great meal, but I was left wondering about the why. Did she sense that I am pulling away? Did her therapist suggest it? Does she really want to keep me? I sometimes get the sense that I'm being strung along. My boy has one more year of private school, and I have wondered if I will be cut loose after that. Cynical? Paranoid? Correct on both counts.
My underdressing is escalating. Even with the warmer weather, my usual pantyhose are being supplemented with frequent camisoles and occasional bras. Oh, and lipstick when I can manage it. I think it speaks to my unsettled mind, and the constant stress of playing at being happily married (and male). I hope to spend some time cropping body hair Friday and perhaps epilating around my ankles. I take my sanity where I can get it. I'm back to wearing skirts at the computer at night, and the leg hair just looks ghastly. A trim is in order.
At work today, two co-workers began to talk with me about encounters with trans folks. Lucky me! They relayed someone else's tale of an "it" at an Indigo Girls concert, that left the guy guessing all night. There were other stories as well. I just had to quietly take it in. I'm very fond of one of these fellows, and part of me wants to give him a pass, chalk it up to stupidity. Just guys bonding by dehumanizing strangers. Yet, it makes me wonder about transitioning in my current workplace--not that I have plans, but, again, visualization. If people I know and like are going to respond this way, what of the ones I don't really know or don't like?
Last week, my order from Payless arrived. I took advantage of BOGO and a 20% off coupon for my birth month of April. How could I say no to a perfect storm like that? I am wearing the 
wedge seen to the left as I type. I think I have finally found the black sandal that I have been seeking in this pair of shoes. In addition, I got the black patent slings seen at right. These are a wee bit tight, but I have a thing for slings, and I will learn to deal with it. I modeled the wedge for my therapist last time, and I will make a point to take the slings next week. A girl cannot have too many pairs of black shoes.That's all the news that fits. Maybe I'll have that difficult discussion with my wife one of these days.
Yes dear, silences are worrying. And just because you are paranoid doesn't mean that people are NOT out to get you. I don't know your whole situation at work, but I wouldn't necessarily put a lot of credence in just that one conversation. As you said, guys will say a lot just to bolster their self-image as one of the guys. And it may or may not reflect their real feelings. People fear and put down those things they do not understand or that are outside their realm of familiarity. But often attitudes change when it is not some ephemeral "they" but rather a real person that's the topic of conversation. I'm not saying everything is going to be cool, hunky-dory, just that I wouldn't base the possible conditions at work based on that one story.
ReplyDeleteToo right, there is always room for more black shoes!
ReplyDeleteYour colleagues, difficult. I have a friend I've come out to who a while back I heard making insensitive remarks. Since he knows about me though he's been very good about it all, leading me to suspect that it was just laddishness rather than a deep-seated hatred. Would your colleagues been talking in the same vein had they seen a very fat woman with prominent teeth, for instance?
Mrs. L: I would take the candlelit dinner as a good sign. Is there any way in which you can reciprocate with something similar?
Nice wrap up Leslie.
ReplyDeleteSometimes a nice dinner is just a nice dinner you know. Don't let things stay too long under the microscope. Don't let the beauty of the moment disappear under the weight of analysis.
Interesting discussion with the co-workers. I think a lot of this sort of talk is of the "whistling past the graveyard" variety. All but a few guys harbor a little doubt about whether they are manly enough. Talking, publicy, in a demeaning way about those who choose to feed their inherent feminity is a way of saying, with a witness "I am ok, right, I am a manly guy?, right...?"
You got me thinking though about the 100 such conversations I have heard, and in some cases I am sure, weakly participated in for the sake of some charade. Hmmm.
On a happy note though: Black shoes. Never. Enough. Black. Shoes.
xxoo - Petra
@ all-- You're right about the tranny comments at work. I'm sure they would display more couth and decorum if confronted by someone they knew.
ReplyDelete@ Jenny and Petra-- I'm very puzzled by the dinner, and I'm reticent to dive back into being vulnerable with her right after I've successfully distanced myself emotionally. I guess I have to, if I am to give the marriage another chance. Half-assed won't do. Still, it feels like I'm jumping back into the cycle again.
Not surprisingly, I have a dissenting opinion about the work-friends and their conversation.
ReplyDeleteFirst, they may or may not even have the requisite language to maintain civil discourse on this topic. Lack of education about trans issues means we're not all on the same page in terms of what vocabulary is appropriate, or even what certain words mean. And we're the ones who are going to do the bulk of the education on that front, I'm afraid.
More to the point, their comments are symptomatic of the sort of thing cis women have been struggling against forever. Conversations like the one described here aren't mere "laddishness"; they are the not-so-subtle way in which (white heterosexual gender-normative) men disseminate and reinforce their cultural superiority over all others. Feminists long ago recognized the folly of the "boys will be boys" argument...trust me, this stuff isn't harmless antics. Yes, they might be nicer to a trans person if they were to meet them in public, but the truth is, they most likely do view transsexuals as freaks and monsters...that is how society at large views us and there's no reason to believe that without some sort of intervention, these guys would somehow be more enlightened than the pop culture they're regularly exposed to. And again, it's going to have to be our job to intervene and call them on it...we have few enough allies to expect it of anyone else.
Not that I would have done anything different in Leslie's position. Pre-transition, I was subjected to these kinds of conversations all the time, and I didn't rise up and confront the perpetrators about their privileged idiocy. But two years the other side of transition, when my concerns are no longer about how my family and friends will react but rather where I'm going to work, where I'm going to pee, and whether I'll get killed walking home at night, what the rank-and-file public *really* thinks starts to become very, very important.
Admonishment received and taken on board. I've issued stern bollockings to boorish tw@ts myself.
ReplyDeleteHowever the question posed here was not simply "Is this bad". Of course it is. Just as their having similar conversations about my example hugely overweight woman with prominent teeth would be. Leslie's question as I read it was "will these specific workmates cause me problems", to which the answer is "Even decent blokes arse about sometimes", meaning that if they are decent but merely ignorant then once that ignorance is corrected they won't be a problem
- 1 in 4 women will suffer some sort of abuse in their lifetimes.
ReplyDelete- For trans women, that number is significantly higher.
- Nearly all of that violence will be perpetrated by men.
- I work with survivors of violence. I am myself a survivor of violence.
So while I wasn't trying to admonish, I also can't not step up and say something nowadays when I see or hear about men (or anyone, really) behaving in a way that dehumanizes others. My response was not to Leslie but to the overall "let's give them the benefit of the doubt" tone going on here.
You know, the tone of my comments here bothers me. I apologize for sounding pedantic. Really that wasn't my goal, I promise!
ReplyDelete