I want to address some things said by Liz and Renee in their most recent comments.
Liz was concerned that Mrs. Leslie or myself would be confronting our dughter's new TG assistant. Nothing is further from our minds. We are not playing a parlor game of "Find the Tranny," though under other circumstances that could be fun for one of us. I would describe my wife as concerned about our daughter. She just wants reassurance that this woman is safe, something that would be true of any worker. In our discussions, she has never failed to use the proper pronouns, so I'm not seeing any overt disrespect, except perhaps some mention of clothing choices. That could happen with any woman. Yes, there is some latent prejudice, and that is unfortunate, but she has never dealt with anyone from this walk of life, except me.
I got to meet the assistant today, and yes, there is no doubt that she is TG. That said, she presents very well, and I imagine she passes well much of the time. She, Mrs. Leslie, and I talked for several minutes. My wife was very friendly with her, and did not treat her any differently than anyone else. That was encouraging. The assignment is only for two weeks, so I doubt they'll become BFFs, but Mrs. L is having her take my daughter around town to therapy and shopping as any worker would.
The unexpected part for me was my reaction. She was tall and thin and pretty, and I was overcome by envy and dysphoria. This young woman had the courage to go out and live my dream, and she is rocking it. I looked at her and couldn't imagine myself succeeding on that level. I've met a limited number of full-timers, but always in the big closet of the support group. This was someone working as her true self in the real world, and I was not free to hop around shouting, "Me, too!", or ask her questions. That was difficult for me, and I hope my attempts at "normal" conversation didn't come off as false or weird or forced. I was trying to maintain my role, when every part of me wanted to bond in sisterhood.
Anyway, all indications are that this woman will be successful. She has a better sense of direction, and reaching her by phone or text seems to be no problem, both big improvements over the previous worker. I think this will be very good for Mrs. Leslie, and for me.
A wood and two roads
11 hours ago
Hey Leslie, welcome to my world; the world of envy and dysphoria when confronted daily by all of YOU out there, my sisters who are all at so many different parts of their journey and are mostly so much younger and gorgeous, and so much braver than I was.
ReplyDeleteDo not beat yourself up (not that I really think you will, you smart lady you) and take it slow. Maybe there will be a way to engage this worker in some relaxed conversation at some point. Everyone likes being told how well they have done their job. Here's hoping you will feel that way at the end of two weeks.
Hugs,
Halle
I'm so with you on the GD hit when socialising with other TG or TS people. Last Saturday going for a meal with my local group, for example, made me feel extremely drab.
ReplyDeleteIs there no way you can introduce "that" conversation topic once you get to know her a bit better?
As much as you might want to have "the conversation" with her, it might be best to keep your relationship with this woman on a strictly business level. I can't imagine a way of bringing up the subject of your GID, without first indicating that you know she is trans, and that might have a negative impact on her confidence as a woman.
ReplyDeleteIt's good that she is only going to be your daughter's assistant for a couple of weeks, as her presence might be a constant source of frustration for you.
Melissa XX
I think you are handling this superbly. Gotta agree with Melissa, keep it business, no need in outing her. Maybe down the road, you'll have the opportunity for that heart to heart chat.
ReplyDeleteI have to credit your wife so very much. She is really handling this professionally. Any of us would approach a stranger with our children with reasonable concern. Allowing her to take your daughter places shows a level of trust and respect. These are good things. :)
Peace,
<3 Tina
Hola.
ReplyDeletePhewww, this stuff is still altogether provocative for me. I'll try to see if I can articulate this without being a boor.
I certainly didn't mean to cast aspersion on your wife's intent. Clearly, you would always have a conversation about any person in your home who was caring for your daughter. My point is that prejudice against trans people is endemic (or "latent", as you called it), and that's bad. I mean, you had a conversation about this person that included a consideration of how her genitalia would affect her ability perform her job; that's not a conversation you would have had about any other candidate for this job. My employer had the same conversation more than once, sometimes with me in the room, so I get it...this stuff is deeply entrenched. It seems like an obvious and even necessary conversation to people, which is ironic since genitalia are totally in-obvious and mostly unnecessary except to the person they belong to. We take a big first step towards equality when we can bring the latent, endemic prejudices to the surface where people can see them for that what they are (and a big first step towards that is convincing people that other peoples' privates are none of their business).
In that vein, I'd like to venture that your wife has dealt with plenty of people from this "walk of life" before. A little more than 50% of the population is actively walking that same lifepath, in fact. If your new assistant is indeed trans, the things that distinguish her from other women are wholly immaterial to the relationship she has with anyone in your household; she is a woman like any other woman, and you all have a lifetime of experience dealing with women...she has no special needs and requires no special treatment.
And in *that* vein, I agree 1,000,000% with Melissa, and would even go so far as to make her point more strongly, if possible. Unless she outs herself, and maybe not even then, I would not bring up anything trans related with her. It may be hard, and it doesn't do you much good, but I can tell you from experience, when you're out and working and doing the fulltime thing, every day you can go home without hearing the term "trans" is a good day...a normal day...the kinds of days you always hoped for and always relish.
Okay, I know some of this sounds boorish and I'm going to be troubled about how it reads after I hit the publish button! Forgive me, I know this is hard for you, and complicated. But some of this stuff touches on deeper community issues and I always feel the need to step back and look at it from that perspective.
Best always,
Renee