It seems we've been over this ground before, but like The Three Stooges lost in the woods, we keep coming back to the same place.
Saturday, the missus and I snapped at each other several times. Overreactions every time. The whole family has been sick, and patience was thin. She suggested that we go out after her shift was done. I nearly declined, as I was tired of reciprocal shouting.
We got a table, and the first conversation I offered was met with utter disdain, like she was listening to the ravings of an idiot. The talk got quite heated several times. At one point, she complained that I wasn't holding up my end of the conversation. I told her that was because I was pissed at her, and didn't really feel like talking to her.
Anyway, it came down to her saying that she's tired of pretending that everything's okay, and that she has no feelings for me. But later she tells me that she wants to get me something expensive for my birthday. Why, I think. If you don't like me all that much, why do you want to go through these motions? I'd be much happier if she bought me a $10 pair of clip earrings, and put in a box that said "To Leslie". Or why not just skip gifts completely, and sock away the money for a divorce lawyer?
On my birthday, she brought home soup and a sandwich from Panera, and a small cake. Just for show for the kids? Maybe, I don't know anymore. It could have been fatigue talking Saturday, or being tired might have allowed her to speak her truth. Time will tell.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Dear Leslie-Ann.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support on my blog. I've read yours for a while now and know that things are also tricky for you. I pary they work out for you, and if I can give you nay support, I shall. You can always e-mail me via my blog.
When people row, I suppose it's human nature that, even though we know that saying something will make a situation worse, we sometimes still go ahead and say it. :(
It's like our judgement is impaired in some way and I've found that when I did that sort of thing in the past, it was often because I was feeling tired or ill. I know E is the same.
I found that the REAL rows between E and myself stopped once I'd made the decision (and it was only mine to make) to transition. I became almost serene.
We don't really row now; it's just that the ways we have of handling the issue often need talking out, and we get upset because the subject per se can be very painful to each of us, even though we do not speak harshly to each other.
We keep trying to find our way through the woods, and we've both realised that our best chance of making it out is to hold hands.
luv
chrissie,
xxxx
I know it can be frustrating in a relationship when someone is sending such mixed signals.
ReplyDeleteSometimes when someone wants to leave, they look for an opportunity to start an altercation, because it's easier to say what you need to say when you are angry.
But on the other hand, sometimes people just get frustrated and want to spread the pain by lashing out. Then they say the most hurtful thing that comes to mind, whether its true, or just a shadow of a lesser thought. Perhaps the uncertainties and worries of being in a relationship with a t-girl just have her so low that she wishes she could honestly say she has no emotional attachment left. So voicing that makes her feel like she is in a position of strength.
Alternatively, your fighting back and showing some independence could have her feeling like she is losing control and influence with you. As if perhaps, you no longer care. And so maybe she is only scrambling for equal ground.
Another possibility is that all the stresses from so many fronts left her momentarily wishing it could all just be over. I talk sometimes about how mood colors everything. When something gets you down, everything else looks worse. Challenges that seemed possible seem suddenly impossible. You look worse in the mirror. Every worry seems bigger and more important than when you are in a good mood. Maybe the fighting temporarily colored her impression. And then perhaps, the suggestion of a costly gift was the closest she could come to an apology when she realized that is not how she felt at all.
I think more openness in your communication might improve things. Right now she is guessing hard at what is going through your head. And you are doing the same. Maybe instead of guessing it would be best just to ask her straight up if she meant what she said.
I would not be confrontational about it. But if I were in that situation I would set the stage for a constructive talk about her feelings. Come to her, and let her see your emotion and concern. Keep the mood somber, not antagonistic. Tell her that what she said hurt, and that you need to know whether she meant it. Make it very clear that you do not want to fight, but that you just want to know what is on her mind.
I'm sorry if I sound out of touch with reality here. And I know that the potential is there for her to react with verbal abuse. But it takes two to argue. So don't get baited in. It could be a painful conversation. But would it hurt as much as wondering?
Leslie, this might sound like I am over-simplifying things, but just give her a big hug and a kiss. Tell her that YOU are sorry you have made her feel this way. Perhaps that will open the door for her to also think about the way things have been. She still needs to work this out in her head. She needs to know YOU still love her. Just give her time. Yes, I know you have, but give it a little more time...
ReplyDeleteYou might be surprised. She may return the hug, kiss, and maybe even apologize to you.