"If wishes were cattle, I'd have a ranch" --Lucinda Williams
I've been flirting with renaming this blog. "Sad Sack Stories." "Confessions of a Mope." "Oh, Pity Woman." I don't like where I've been steering this vessel. I'm thinking that I need to change my tack.
One of my favorite films is Koyaanisqatsi. It's a Hopi word that means life out of balance. Another definition offered by the film is "way of life that calls for another way of living." And that's where I think I am.
I invariably label myself a realist, a pragmatist. Adapt to your environment. And I tend to blend in very well as a result. But I've come to realize that with my wife, I'm living in a dream world. I've been thinking a lot about Renee's comment on my previous blog, about false hope. I am putting way too much weight on my wife's acceptance of my condition. She will likely never accept me in the way I would like, and it's foolish to wish for her to do so. I have frequently given the advice that you can't change others, only yourself. And I now realize, finally, that this also applies to me.
So, the time has come to stop holding out hope of her changing, and start making some decisions about what I need to do. Work with my therapist on some realistic goals that don't hinge on my wife's attitudes. I'm not sure what that will look like, but it's time. If she comes around, then fine. But I can't drag her, I can't force her to change. Time to be authentic.
On the positive side, the missus came to me tonight in the nightie I bought for her on Valentine's Day. We are, at last, back in the marriage bed, if ya know whut I mean. I was beginning to think I should become a nun. She genuinely missed me, and I've been ready to be with her for weeks. That's a great burden lifted, for both of us. Love rocks!!
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
:)
ReplyDeletelove
chrissie
XXXX
Time heals all.
ReplyDeleteLove conquers all.
We can only hope that both of the above statements are true, eh?
I don't know about time and I don't know about love, but I can tell you that you can only disrupt life so much. The Earth still spins on its axis, the sun still comes up in the morning, and as long as those things happen, you got a shot.
ReplyDeleteThe optimistic view of the world...
ReplyDeleteThe cynical view of the world...
I guess I am the eternal optimist...at least for today...
Lol, and here I thought I was being an optimist.
ReplyDeleteI guess it's a qualified optimism because I can't really imagine a situation where Leslie and her wife can both get what they want out of this situation. But in life you don't always get what you want...that doesn't mean your life is over or that you'll never be happy again. The world is big, life is grand, and there's lots of way to be happy. Everyone just has to take it upon themselves to find them.
Your blog has me a little confused Leslie. Most of the blog talked about how you have finally realized that you cannot change your wife, and about how you need to set goals and move on...with or without her. Your realism was showing. Then, suddenly there is wedded bliss again as she reaches out for intimacy with you again. There just seems to be a great dichotomy here...lol.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I KNOW is that you need to be Leslie...whatever it takes. I don't know if you're looking to transition or not, but the stress from being held back is constant and building. Good luck gf. Be strong...be yourself...be happy. Hugs, Suzi
@ Suzi
ReplyDelete*nods*
@ Suzi
ReplyDeleteYep, that was confusing. I'm still aiming to have my cake and eat it too. Just more willing to take some losses in the quest to be authentic.
Truth is, I had most of this composed in my head, and then the last paragraph literally fell in my lap! I wasn't at all sure it belonged in the same blog, but I went for it. I think I confused everyone about the point I was making, but I'm thrilled to have started a conversation!
Well Leslie, after I posted the comment, I suddenly realized that you covered yourself in your title "Life Out of Balance." Believe me, I totally understand your desire to have both...a life as Leslie and a loving wife, whether she accepts Leslie or not. I totally hid Suzi for about 28 years of my marriage, and probably still would be if she had not found out for herself. The only thing scarier than her finding out was the possibility of having to live alone...away from the one I still loved. The double-mindedness is like a two edged sword...it cuts you no matter which way you move.
ReplyDeleteJust keep plugging away. Life is full of surprises...I speak from experience. There is nothing we as transgenders seek more than pure acceptance for who we really are. But, so much of the time, it seems like acceptance is the most elusive dream of all. Keep on dreaming...we all must. :)Suzi
Leslie I believe you are approaching this with a good frame of mind. It probably feels grim, confronting this idea that you may never have the relationship as you wish, while simultaneously getting the level of self expression you need and acceptance you want. But it will be healthy for you to think through things from that perspective and decide on your goals.
ReplyDeleteYou are in a relationship and being mindful of your wife's feeling and needs are important. But you re also an individual, not dependent on anyone else's approval, and with your own will, and your own needs.
Those elements, like so many things, do require you to find a proper balance. I hope you find it. You deserve all the hapiness in the world.
Hugs,
Shannon
The cake is a lie! (I swear that is quickly becoming one of my favorite quotes.) As long as you keep wagging your tail like a good little puppy dog anytime the wife shows a hint of attention and pats you on the head for being a "good boy" you simply won't have a chance. Not that you have to turn and bite the master like a rabid beast, but just stop asking "how high?" whenever she says "jump." That is the realist view.
ReplyDeleteFrom the blogs I have read about girls going through the transitioning thing, I don't see how it could possibly be anywhere close to easy on any level. Therefore you need to learn how to toughen up a hella lot to make it through that process. The first step is going to have to be gaining control of your current life and that includes the wife. It sounds weird to say but you are gonna have to act like more of a man in order to become a girl (of course I simply could not resist the twisted irony of saying that, and yes I know it is tasteless and disrespectful which is what hooked me.) Joking aside, there really is some truth to that statement although most people would probably use the term "assertive" instead but that is just because they are "politically correct sissies" who can't respect that a chick can be rough and tough. Hang in there and if ya do need real advice I do offer that service free of the typical "soul charge" most of my demonic sisters require (only because I don't have use for souls being only a mere half-demoness).