The Hunt for Pink October

I've written about October before. It's when the leaves fall, along with my meager defenses in the face of my annual dysphoric spike. At the very least, this has been the pattern the last three autumns. This year I've been left wondering.

Normally this thing builds through September and reaches critical mass in October. There was no real build in September this year. Just yesterday, I was musing that perhaps I had finally found my Plateau Of Satisfaction (POS). I've kept my fingers crossed that at some point short of transition I could find a POS, a situation where I was getting enough quality Leslie time to keep the girl fog at bay. Is this what it feels like to be balanced? Had I reached my resting point?

In a word, nope. A little back story, then the trigger. Please forgive the TMI aspects.

I have been having mild prostate issues most of the year. This has been new for me, and I thought I was dealing with it okay. At my recent physical, my doctor found an infection in my urinary tract, probably due to an inability to fully empty my bladder. So he put me on some big time antibiotics. I also brought up my concerns about hair loss, and acquired a prescription for Propecia. The doc asked me to wait to start that one till my urinary tract cleared up.

So, I've been eagerly anticipating Propecia. Maybe my hair might thicken up on top, and maybe my testosterone would be blocked somewhat, removing the sting of my dysphoria. Best case: gynecomastia! But a girl shouldn't get her hopes up too high.

Yesterday, I finally got back to the doctor for a followup, and got the green light to start. I wanted to write about taking that first pill, the closest thing to hormone therapy I've experienced.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my stuff after work. The pharmacist asked if I had any questions, and we talked a bit about it. Then she remembered to tell me that my insurance doesn't cover it. The one mg dosage is regarded as cosmetic, not medical. Oooo-kaaaay, what's the damage? Eighty four dollars, she says.

I was crestfallen, but I held it together. I told her that money woes are the reason that I'm losing my hair. Take it back, I can't justify the expense. As I shuffled out of the store, I felt the first twinges of GD. More than anything, I felt like going home and crying myself to sleep.

It's not that big a deal, really. I am going to go bald, and I'm well on my way already. I put too much stock in a potential treatment. Just more reinforcement for my pessimistic view of the world.

October started five days ago, but my pink October started today.