Have you reached the point
where you must choose,
between what you've lost
and what you stand to lose?
"High Time" Michael Penn
Now my beloved Reds are truly and completely done for the year. Can bare legs be far behind?
There are hard choices coming. I unequivocably know that I must follow through and remove the hair. I think about it all the time. I get goose bumps imagining it. Whispering in the back of my head, though, is a voice that reminds me of the unrest this will cause in the home. I've seen it firsthand and I'm not thrilled to be crossing that threshold again. Will my wife tolerate it or might she consider it the last straw? We're getting on very well currently, and this need of mine will surely ruin that. I have no desire to hurt her with this, but it seems unavoidable. She won't soften her heart about this, and I don't see myself walking away from the razor.
Which is more important, my wholeness or the health of my marriage? History tells me it really is an "either/or" question. After four months of leg shaving last winter, the missus was at the end of her rope. She couldn't bear being around my uncovered legs. I slept in lounge pants all winter. I know it's not her choice to make, but she does get to choose how she reacts to it. She's made it very clear that it's a nonstarter for her. Does being myself have to be selfish? Quite possibly.
I'm trying to hold off a bit longer, but I'm beginning to feel a bit manic. I'm accustomed to the occasional anxiety attack, and I live with gender dysphoria much of the time. Mania, though, is unusual for me. I'm feeling less inhibited, and inhibition has been a way of life for me. I don't drink because I don't like to feel out of control. Yet, that's increasingly the way I feel. I could easily set aside my inhibitions and go out for a drive around the city in a skirt and heels, male self intact above the waist. Is there a worse social choice than presenting half male, half female in public? What would a police stop result in? I don't think I would do it, but the ability to visualize it so clearly and not to fear it is not normal for me. I'm feeling a lot like I did two winters ago when GID began overtaking me, though without the depression, at least for now. I did lots of risky things then, completely disregarding clear thinking and sound judgement.
Living in limbo isn't going to work for me. Wherever these intense feelings come from, they aren't going to go away unheard and unanswered. They demand my attention. I'd like to find a way to present my needs in a way that would make it tolerable to the wife. What that would look like is anyone's guess.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
So that what mania is? Then I've had it too, and acted on it! Just look at my old blogs from 2003 (posted in August, I believe). I'm lucky I didn't get my face bashed in. I was having the time of my life though, not that I would recommend it to others.
ReplyDeleteDo what you have to, hun. You have to be a little selfish. You have to put your needs first sometimes. If you don't take care of you, then who will?
I'm here if you ever need to talk or bitch. ;)
"Which is more important, my wholeness or the health of my marriage?"
ReplyDeleteHonestly I am not sure you can have a healthy marriage without both partners feeling whole.
@ ms. shandy
ReplyDeleteWell said.
We all have to do what we deem necessary to make it through this world. Some people will understand us, others won't. But getting to the other side is what is important.
ReplyDeleteLeslie, if you are at the point of doing irrational things, then it's time to act. I think most of us understand your urges towards risky behavior. I know I've been there. There was point early on in my self-discovery, where I was so in need of an outing, that I would dress up and take walks around the inner city neighborhood I lived in, in the middle of the night. Now what is more irrational, than a woman walking alone on the streets at two or three AM? I could have easily been mugged, or confronted by the cops on suspicion of being a prostitute. Like your therapist said, "Keep your sanity. Shave you legs."
ReplyDeleteNow about that "selfish" thing. It really bugs me when I hear the charge of selfishness being used against TG's, who are trying to express themselves. It is a spurious charged leveled usually by family members, in an attempt to prevent them from having to deal with a reality that they find unpleasant. It is not selfish to desire to express the person that you truly are inside. What is truly selfish, is others expecting you to repress that expression, simply because they are uncomfortable dealing with it. You can become so unselfish in trying to protect the delicate sensibilities of others, that you become a non-person. A virtual slave, living only to please the people around you. That's not love. While it's true that love makes sacrifices, love also expects sacrifices to be made in return.
Melissa XX
Leslie, my friend, I must agree with Ms Shandy and Renee on this one. I do understand, via our own private emails, the necessity and urgency to shave your legs. For the sake of your marriage, however, it falls upon you to make your wife understand the urgency. She needs to understand how this is affecting your mental (and possibly physical) health and your marriage. I am not convinced that she can't be properly educated in such a way that she will feel empathy for your situation.
ReplyDeleteIf she is like my wife, however, she is going to wonder what is next. Shaving my legs is not an issue with me as it is with you, but I have my own issues. I feel confident that my wife would not have a problem with me shaving my legs, if I asked and explained the urgency.
The screaming that has come out of my wife's mouth more than once is "Are you going to change your sex?" I have told her "no" and have been quite vocal about that on my own blog. I honestly feel that she now believes me, which would make it easier for me to ask her now if it would bother her if I shaved my legs, etc.
I feel that I have my strong inner desire to transition stabilized and I feel comfortable telling my wife that. Do you?
Love you, girl. Hope this works out for both of you.
Calie xxx
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ReplyDeleteLeslie,
ReplyDeleteI am so laughing right now. I just did a post. And then went and read yours. No lie. Go look at mine and enjoy the pix.
Sharon.
Leslie, when you get round to it don't shave, bite the bullet and epillate. You will not have rough stubble reminding her what you have done within hours of drying your legs.
ReplyDeleteI have just spent a hot three weeks staying with my sister in law, no hair in sight on legs, arms,and body. she has known me half a lifetime and forgot that I was ever hairy! Not quite the same but shows how people accept. What doesn't she like exactly?
Good luck
Caroline X