Raise the Double Standard

I'm not feeling very good about myself today. Therapy has a way of sending me there. We're asking tough questions now. And the toughest issue is figuring out how to have an overdue talk with my wife.

My fear is that it won't be a peaceful discussion. I need that in order to function in a conversation. The thing is, my wife gets to talk with me about anything in her pretty little head. And despite my resolutions to be completely honest with her, I find that you can lead a horse to the truth, but you can't make her listen.

My therapist said today that she's seen me sliding into a bad place for several weeks now, and she was worried about me last week. I can only imagine how she feels after today's session. She's suggesting we set a deadline for the wife talk, because this is eating at me.

What do I want from her? I really just want to be able to mention my friends and their progress or problems. I'd like to talk about my friend with terminal cancer. I'd like to share my success at starting, sustaining, and nurturing friendships online. Just the mundane things that couples discuss, that I don't get to. I've been with her for 26 years now, and she still doesn't really know me. For 25 of those years, that was my doing. Now it's on her. I just want to connect with my life partner on an equal footing. That's not too much to ask.

And if I can't talk with her, I wish I could figure out a trigger for a good cry. I need to wash some of this away so I can think more clearly.