Duh! A Realization

I think I've figured out what was bothering me, making me want to cry. I think the fact that I haven't had an opportunity to be Leslie, from hair to heels, since April 5th, has caught up with me. Every little reminder that I wasn't getting to realize my true self was triggering a deep sadness.

I thought that figuring out the cause of my recent emotional instability would unleash the flood. Instead, it calmed me. I know the problem and I'll try to find a solution. Like, I don't know, maybe dressing! Not this half-assed stuff I've been settling for lately, underdressing just to stay in touch with the real me.

At the last minute, I managed to go to my support meeting Saturday. I went in drab, at least in part because of the oppressive heat. I shared my real first name during introductions, since I was in boy-mode. Tara had suggested recently that it was safe to open up more to the group, so I did. I was very gratified that everyone continued to call me Leslie, despite my outward appearance. Coming in drab now, after establishing my female look with the group, was probably seen as more courageous than my first stammering, ashen appearance in February. I even got my first hugs from group members. I really feel a sense of belonging there.

I'll save the tears for another time.