The Need to Communicate

First, a quick update. Back on my birthday, my wife wrote me a note, dutifully transcribed in the "Happy Birthday?" entry. Despite a promise to my therapist to discuss the note's content with my wife, I have not done so. Things have been going well between us, and I hate to mess with a good thing. But I've had a burning urge to talk to her about it the last week, really about all that's going on in my other life. So I mentioned the note this morning. She barely remembers writing it. She said she'd rather go on pretending that we have an understanding. All I want to say to her is that I intend to continue being husband, lover, provider, and father to our kids, but that I need to give more attention to my female side as well. I must achieve a workable balance, but it's my problem, and I think it can be done. I think this needs to be said, and I still intend to do so.

This brings me to the reason for this entry. I have been feeling a burning need to connect to people online. 360 is a mess, but it has been hugely fulfilling to have friends to shares fears and dreams with. This week I've been actively looking for people with issues similar to my own, girls whose stories resonate with me.

In my guy life, I am very reserved and shy. I always say that you learn a whole lot more listening than talking. I think Leslie would do well to heed this advice as well. I feel like I've been rattling around in my own head for eight months, more concerned with my inner life. I want to reach out now and learn from others' lives. You can only stare at your own reflection for so long before boredom sets in. I'm good company, but I need to expand my horizons a bit.

I've done so many things since October, things I never envisioned... Joining a support group. Seeing a woman in the mirror after thirty years. Appearing as Leslie in front of living, breathing people. Wig shopping! But more than any of those, I have surprised myself in creating a page glorifying my exploits, and embracing writing (on the internet, no less) as a means toward my emotional fulfillment. I hated writing in my school years. The things I could've accomplished if I'd found my muse then.

So, comments, with this stupid avatar floating nearby, are coming soon to a blog near you.