Fear and Self-Loathing

"I know it takes a mess of courage to go against the grain"
"I Keep Faith" Billy Bragg

I've come to the realization that my life has largely been defined by fear, and likely will continue to be. Fear drives most of my major decisions. Fear of crossing people. Fear of offending. Fear of change. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Abject fear of most females since fifth grade.

Granted, this has been the bravest year of my life. I've done unfathomable things. I've appeared before others in female garb. I've bared my soul on the internet, albeit anonymously. I recently went to a wig shop in boy-mode, and will soon be purchasing hair that will help diminish my masculine face and enormous man-head. I did these things because I couldn't go on not doing them.

Leslie took over in the smoke-filled back rooms of my mind some time ago, making the decisions. But the same timid, sardonic ass continues to man the front desk 95% of the time. And he's not great at following through on orders from the CEO. Should've been fired long ago. Poor communication skills with the public. Apathetic. Talks back to the boss. He needs to go. But he's holding out for a pension.

At present, I'm fighting a little internal battle. My therapist asked, am I living for myself or for my wife? Clearly for the latter at this point. But why? Am I not deserving of happiness? Am I too timid to stand up for my needs and wants? Shouldn't I just give an ultimatum, that I require certain things to make life more than tolerable? Probably...

I've been invited to go out with the girls after the June support meeting. I think that sparked this confidence crisis. Part of me desperately wants to have fun as Leslie. I've never felt so at ease as when I've been living as Leslie. But the fears are even stronger than the desires. Fears of being ridiculed, or outed, or beaten. Irrational, I suppose, but very real to me, very visceral. This is my parents' legacy: always expect the worst.

Okay, the pity party is over. At least the public part of it.