The comments from the previous post were few, but they made me step back and look at what transpired with a fresh outlook.
I am being fatalistic, not uncommon for me. The worst case scenario is usually the first to mind. Claire and Elly, in their individual and collective wisdom, pointed out that Mrs. Leslie has not lost hope, as evidenced by her efforts to end my depressive state through strongly encouraged exercise. Melissa points out that exercise won't make GID go away. Yet, many do lessen the symptoms through physical activity. Plus, part of my depression comes from the bit of weight I've been putting on, and exercise is half the answer to that.
Mrs. L is going out of her way to try to make me feel happier. Leaving out the question of her sincerity, she seems sympathetic to my difficulties. She is engaged with me, not acting distant, and she deserves credit for that. I, too, am acting more animated than I feel, and working hard to be a good partner and parent. Maybe I'm transferring my own emotional distance onto her. I can hardly fault her for doing no better than me.
I'm not sure any of this changes my conclusions or fatalism. What she is trying hard to preserve is the husband I am currently playing for her. I think she believes that if I am happy enough while in this role, I will be less inclined to slip back into the female role that dominates in the colder months. I readily see the selfish, cynical aspect of her actions, without giving her credit for trying to salvage our marriage. Consider her credited now.
I resolved several months ago to break my cycle of false hope, and I believe that I am maintaining that. The emotional disconnect required to protect myself may be the undoing of the relationship, but it also will allow me to step away if it comes to that.
Small wonder I'm depressed.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
I could nor comment on the last post as you were being taken on yet another lap of the old track and it saddened me to hear it.
ReplyDeleteIt is not hard to understand her desire to have her old husband restored to her and she is doing everything she can to fight for that. what she has failed to see is the blindingly obvious! Something is broken and no amount of restoration is going to give her exactly what she had before.
hardly surprised you are gaining weight, I did that through the worst periods of depression and surprise surprise gaining weight makes you more depressed!
She has absolute control over your freedom of expression and cannot see that this is what may well cause a final explosive event. If you want any reasonable future together you have to have a summit meeting, lay down all your differences and negotiate a peace treaty.
Before you know it the summer will be over and the harassment of the legs will recommence and you will have few chances to get out with like minded friends and express yourself. When was the last time you were out with friends shopping like you used to blog about, think that post is about an inch thick with dust in the archive by now.
You could both maintain your life together with compromise on both sides not just yours, what is the point of keeping you if all she does is have you in a tormented and depressed state.
Having finally broken out of the cycle myself I can report with authority that the old me was a miserable inefficient version of the new me and nothing like as good company.
Hard love, sorry.
Caroline xxx
I can't say it any better than Caroline.
ReplyDeleteMelissa XX
Many wives of trans women believe that if they reinforce and validate male qualities in their husbands, they can succeed in "getting him back". Yeah, I know, they don't get it, but you can sort of see how they might arrive at that conclusion. If you kept telling your wife you liked seeing her wearing purple, you might reasonably expect her to wear purple more often, right? Even if it wasn't her favorite color?
ReplyDeleteYou'd like 100% empathy from her. She'd like 100% maintenance of the status quo; self-preservation for herself. From these recent posts, I see she's somewhere in the middle of empathy and self-preservation; caring for your feelings and caring for her own. This doesn't make her a saint or a demon, it just makes her human.
I've read so many outpourings from spouses on both sides of the trans equation. The language is remarkably similar: "How can my partner be so selfish/ignore how I feel/not understand how important this is to me? Don't they love me any more?" What is very rare is when blame and accusations are laid aside, and the conversation becomes "I know it's selfish. I understand how you feel and how important it is to you. I do love you, but I have to take care of myself first and I can't become the person [happy-as-male/trans-accepting-lesbian] you'd like me to be."
It's all about balance. And when it's you standing on the scales, it's really hard to see which way to shift your weight so that everything balances out. Your wife may not even be aware of any imbalance.
Good luck, and feel free to call on my any time you want to ruminate further on this!
Leslie, I've read your last few posts and honestly couldn't think of how to formulate what I wanted to say. How could I say anything better than the sisters who just chimed in. Well said girls!
ReplyDeleteSis, you are on a tightrope for sure. You're looking mah-velous so far. I've always heard, don't look down or at your feet. Focus straight ahead to where you want to go. Secret is it seems; is finding where that is. Lots a luck, honey. I'm here on the ground cheering for you all the way. :P Go Leslie.. Go Leslie.. Go, Go, Go, Go Leslie!
"It's about balance"- it sure is. I couldn't put it better than the girls above- and you know I need to heed the same advice!
ReplyDeleteBTW- when will we see a music post on the other blog? It must be time for a poll!
Catching up on your posts and I'll leave my comments about your marriage to the ones I made on your previous post.
ReplyDeleteYou know I go on and on about exercise. Melissa is correct in that exercise will not make the GID go away, but it does release the endorphins and it does help promote the figure so you can fit into those tight skirts and pants (now, how would I know that?)
I remember when I lost all my weight my wife just flat out asked me if I was doing that so I would look good in women's clothes. Nope, I said, I did it to get off of the blood pressure medication and to get off of the stomach medication I was on. I lost 60 pounds and have never felt better.
In reality, had it not been for the desire to prepare myself for a possible future transition, I would probably be 300 pounds by now, rather than 190. No, I didn't lie to her...I just didn't tell her everything.
When I am depressed, I exercise and it generally helps to control the depression or at least lesson it.
Calie xx