Saturday night, Mrs. Leslie suggested that we take a walk. She uses walking as an aerobic workout sometimes. I'd already done an aerobics tape with her earlier in the day. She is trying to work me out of my funk with some exercise. It makes certain muscles ache, but my head did feel better.
We went walking around 1am. The streets were silent. As we walked, she soon brought up my depression, and asked if I would tell her what has been bothering me. I told her that since she surprised me in the spring with the fact that she wasn't feeling connected to me, I am no longer trusting my ability to gauge her feelings for me. I asked her if she is feeling connected, or if she is going through the motions in an attempt to feel connected.
I don't think she wanted this question. First, a drawn out "I don't know." Then, "I don't hate you." I put my arm around her shoulder, and said, "Thanks, honey, I don't hate you, too." "There have been times that I have hated you." "Yeah, I know that."
The good news: She doesn't hate me. The bad news: That leaves a lot to be desired. If she isn't feeling connected to me now, when I'm presenting in the way she prefers (male and hirsute), what chance do we have when October comes around and the dysphoria starts redlining? The only thing that gets me through the summer months is knowing that I'll be able to break out the epilator and find myself again in the autumn.
How much of my current depression is my subconscious recognizing my wife's distance, something I've been ignoring to preserve myself? I'm not getting the warm fuzzies about the way this is going.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Leslie,
ReplyDeleteMaybe she is trying to make an effort to repair damage that has been done, forgiveness can be a good thing; maybe that's around the corner. At least you're talking with one another. I've been in your heels too many times also.
A hug to you' Elly
Hi Leslie, sorry to be tough, and as ever ignore these comments if they are wide of the mark- you know yourself better than I do; but
ReplyDelete"going through the motions to be connected" Isn't that a sign of someone who is connected and of someone who cares?
Likewise, "Trying to work you out of a funk". A partner who couldn't care would just ignore your distance, move on, walk alone and leave you to your internal issues.
I agree with eleanor, in that your wife is trying to connect, and I guess sees a future with you.
But is that what you want? Are you looking for the giant ultimatum from outside yourself?
Would it all be easier if she'd said "I hate you-let's split up!"?
....but you know my track record on relationship skills disqualifies me from giving sound advice- I have the emotional range of a teaspoon, but just a thought.
I think what your wife is trying to do, is keep your marriage in tact, using chewing gum and bailing wire.
ReplyDeleteLong walks at 1:00AM, may generate some endorphins and make you feel better temporarily, but no amount of exercise will ever cure your GID. It will just keep coming back, again and again. Your wife remains in denial about that. She wants to preserve what she has, even at the expense of keeping you in gender limbo.
Nothing will change, unless you make it change. By the way, I think your instincts are good, and you should learn to trust them more than you do.
Melissa XX
I dunno, just based on what you've written here, it seems like she's further along in her understanding than she has been in the past. But I agree with Melissa, neither of you ever seem to have sufficient momentum to effect change.
ReplyDeleteYou do seem to want change. In the past, you've wanted more freedom to be yourself, even being willing to contemplate divorce. Today, you seem to want not just togetherness with your wife, but love (or something more than "not hate" at any rate).
I don't say this expecting an answer or anything, you don't owe us anything like that. There was a time though when I thought the emotional distance would be a good thing for the two of you...maybe it's not. I dunno.
It would seem to me that your wife wants to keep the marriage together but she has also shown a controlling side per your past posts. I have often wondered if she is just trying to keep the family together...for whatever reason - finances, a husband for the children, can't deal with your autistic child by herself, or whatever, all legitimate thoughts on her part.
ReplyDeleteBut, I have also wondered if, when the children have left the nest (assuming your autistic child can) she will want to bolt out of the relationship.
Harsh thoughts, I suppose, but I am not you and I can only "read" her via the thoughts you express here, Leslie.
As someone who believes deeply in keeping families together, I do want to say that this is so but within reason. Your wife must see, by now, that your depression has been the result of gender dysphoria and, as a result, she MUST soften her strong stand on the matter of leg hair, etc.
Calie xx